So I saw this hypothetical on Reddit the other day (Big Cat you stole this from Reddit, wah wah wah, internet justice, no one should ever steal anything from anyone else!) and I wasn’t going to post about this until I realized that I literally can not get it out of my mind. That and the fact that there is probably no better demographic to break down a scenario of a guy waking you up by peeing in your face than the Barstool Sports comment section.  This is like a stoolies wheelhouse right now. Like Pedro Cerrano facing a guy who can only throw fastballs directly down the middle. Fuck guns, fuck politics, lets talk about getting paid to be peed on every single morning.

So here are the rules….

An anonymous billionaire is privately funding this. You will never meet them. They are not filming or recording any aspect of this; they simply enjoy knowing they have this kind of power.

Each day you are woken up by a man peeing on you. This man has been hired by the billionaire to pee on you. They are regularly checked by doctors to make sure they are healthy and infection-free. Regardless, urine is sterile. Stinky, but harmless.

As soon as the pee hits your face (and oh yes, he’ll aim for the face) you can jump out of bed and go to the shower. While you are showering the man who pees on you will switch your mattress, put on new sheets and leave $300 in cash on your dining room table.

The above situation will happen every single day for the rest of your life until one evening you decide you do not want to be peed on the next morning and cancel. Then it can never start again. Ever.

-You may have as much or as little interaction with the man who pees as you want

-The man who pees will act as an alarm clock/wake-up call. You can tell him to begin peeing at 6:30am and that’s exactly when he will start.

-If you share the bed with someone he will be aiming for you. Splashback onto the sleeping partner is a possibility.

-If you go on vacation he travels as well. He will typically stay in the hotel room next to yours.

Now as bad as this sounds, and it does sound bad, I think I would still have to take this deal. 300 dollars a day is over 100,000 a year cash. For my unrefined tastes that’s basically like being a millionaire. The question is how long could you take this for? Would it be like water boarding where its fine for a month and then you eventually start going crazy? Never sleep because you’re afraid of being peed on? Flinch whenever you hear water running? Just basically go insane slowly but surely because some dude is giving you a golden shower every single morning?  Or would it go the other way? Where pee encompasses your life. Start going to Golden Shower fetish conventions in Las Vegas. You end up like Tiger Woods where you can only orgasm if you first pee on someone? And what about trying to date a chick? Like yeah chick’s love rich guys, but do they love rich guys that get their mouth peed in every single morning no matter what? That’s not like being 10 lbs overweight or having bad teeth. Being pissed on your face is definitely a big deal.

Also, and I know this may come across as racist but technically you cant be racist when you’re talking about a hypothetical. Oh no, I’m “hypothetically” racist, whatever, But the guy who pees on you DEFINITELY matters. Like if you told me it was going to be some weird Indian dude pissing curry powder into my face every morning I’d say absolutely not. Even a French guy would be a firm no for me. Pride matters. I can’t have some pussy ass Frenchman demeaning me like that every single day. Where I come from being from the USA means something.  So I basically need a white, English, butler, who wears a tux, takes his peeing on my face very seriously and is an all around gentleman about the entire situation. Basically Alfred from Batman. If Alfred Pennyworth is the one peeing on me I think I could handle the pee alarm clock for at least the next 20 years of my life.

PS
I will be perfectly honest, the cleaning the sheets thing is HUGE. Having to put sheets back on your bed may be secretly one of the worst things in life.

Double PS
This is why being rich is the coolest thing anyone can do with their life. If I was a billionaire I would 100% offer this deal to one of my poor stupid friends.

What do stoolies think? Vote 1 for Big Cat you’ve finally lost your mind what the fuck is wrong with you and 10 for Sign me up and let Alfred golden shower me every morning for the rest of my life for all I care

1 Stars2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (372 votes, average: 9.09 out of 10)
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