Would You Let Someone Pee On You Every Single Morning For $300 A Day?
So I saw this hypothetical on Reddit the other day (Big Cat you stole this from Reddit, wah wah wah, internet justice, no one should ever steal anything from anyone else!) and I wasn’t going to post about this until I realized that I literally can not get it out of my mind. That and the fact that there is probably no better demographic to break down a scenario of a guy waking you up by peeing in your face than the Barstool Sports comment section. This is like a stoolies wheelhouse right now. Like Pedro Cerrano facing a guy who can only throw fastballs directly down the middle. Fuck guns, fuck politics, lets talk about getting paid to be peed on every single morning.
So here are the rules….
An anonymous billionaire is privately funding this. You will never meet them. They are not filming or recording any aspect of this; they simply enjoy knowing they have this kind of power.
Each day you are woken up by a man peeing on you. This man has been hired by the billionaire to pee on you. They are regularly checked by doctors to make sure they are healthy and infection-free. Regardless, urine is sterile. Stinky, but harmless.
As soon as the pee hits your face (and oh yes, he’ll aim for the face) you can jump out of bed and go to the shower. While you are showering the man who pees on you will switch your mattress, put on new sheets and leave $300 in cash on your dining room table.
The above situation will happen every single day for the rest of your life until one evening you decide you do not want to be peed on the next morning and cancel. Then it can never start again. Ever.
-You may have as much or as little interaction with the man who pees as you want
-The man who pees will act as an alarm clock/wake-up call. You can tell him to begin peeing at 6:30am and that’s exactly when he will start.
-If you share the bed with someone he will be aiming for you. Splashback onto the sleeping partner is a possibility.
-If you go on vacation he travels as well. He will typically stay in the hotel room next to yours.
Now as bad as this sounds, and it does sound bad, I think I would still have to take this deal. 300 dollars a day is over 100,000 a year cash. For my unrefined tastes that’s basically like being a millionaire. The question is how long could you take this for? Would it be like water boarding where its fine for a month and then you eventually start going crazy? Never sleep because you’re afraid of being peed on? Flinch whenever you hear water running? Just basically go insane slowly but surely because some dude is giving you a golden shower every single morning? Or would it go the other way? Where pee encompasses your life. Start going to Golden Shower fetish conventions in Las Vegas. You end up like Tiger Woods where you can only orgasm if you first pee on someone? And what about trying to date a chick? Like yeah chick’s love rich guys, but do they love rich guys that get their mouth peed in every single morning no matter what? That’s not like being 10 lbs overweight or having bad teeth. Being pissed on your face is definitely a big deal.
Also, and I know this may come across as racist but technically you cant be racist when you’re talking about a hypothetical. Oh no, I’m “hypothetically” racist, whatever, But the guy who pees on you DEFINITELY matters. Like if you told me it was going to be some weird Indian dude pissing curry powder into my face every morning I’d say absolutely not. Even a French guy would be a firm no for me. Pride matters. I can’t have some pussy ass Frenchman demeaning me like that every single day. Where I come from being from the USA means something. So I basically need a white, English, butler, who wears a tux, takes his peeing on my face very seriously and is an all around gentleman about the entire situation. Basically Alfred from Batman. If Alfred Pennyworth is the one peeing on me I think I could handle the pee alarm clock for at least the next 20 years of my life.
PS
I will be perfectly honest, the cleaning the sheets thing is HUGE. Having to put sheets back on your bed may be secretly one of the worst things in life.
Double PS
This is why being rich is the coolest thing anyone can do with their life. If I was a billionaire I would 100% offer this deal to one of my poor stupid friends.
What do stoolies think? Vote 1 for Big Cat you’ve finally lost your mind what the fuck is wrong with you and 10 for Sign me up and let Alfred golden shower me every morning for the rest of my life for all I care
(372 votes, average: 9.09 out of 10)
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I would do that shit in a heartbeat, easily.
why not, i do it to myself everyday anyways
You should ask for $300 a day to not write these ridiculous blogs. I would chip in.
Can I tap naps without getting peed on?
the thing I can’t get out of my head is, would I end up missing getting peed on when it stopped?
78,000 a year? No brainer.
Over a hundred grand a year for a little pee-pee in the morning, and a free maid service? Dumbest fucking hypothetical in the world. Real question: jizz mustache every morning for $500 bucks a day?
Can I pee on Neil every day if I pay $300?
Do you get weekends off?
Alot of this depends what time he is going to piss on me? If he is doing it at 5:45 every morning and I never get to sleep in this is a much tougher sell.
@thatshitcray nice math you asswipe
Big Kat, did you just write a fucking essay? This is the epitome of TL;DR
That is fucked up
I sleep with my mouth open so I would have to pass. Unless it includes a new, unopened bottle of water to use as a chaser
$109,500 a year cash for a pee alarm clock where I can just instantly get out of bed and have it be done with? Absolutely. I wouldn’t work a minute for the rest of my life and still live comfortably making over $100K a year. I wouldn’t need a job with a pension for retirement, because I’d keep getting blasted in the face until I died an old man.
nice math skills thatshitcray…only off by tens of thousands
If it was $1000 a day I’d consider it. $300 a day is not enough. Go piss on BigCat, anonymous Billionaire man.
Fooliest – that’s 78K after taxes. Getting peed on’s gotta be a job, right?
bring in r. kelly, and tell him to stay away from the eyes.
@sherm clearly it states 300 dollars cash is left on the table. thats nontaxable income, just like drug money or prostitution
yep, just so long as the pisser doesnt eat asparagus
I would do it for $600 a day, and wake up time is not til 10 AM.
@thatshitcray is assuming this is a 5 day/week deal but it clearly says every day.
Would kind of make it tough to crash at some random chick’s place or pass out on your buddy’s couch.
How do I get the job of the guy peeing on the other dude? Are there other benefits besides free airfare and travel? What about health and dental? Too many questions…
Proper butler is a must…spot on
Can I wear scuba gear as pajamas
thatshitcray is taking off the weekends. i’d let that idiot pee on me for free if i was gonna get nice fresh sheets every day instead of every 16 months when i change them
Interesting….the stoolies are a poor people.
what a world we live in when in fact I may consider getting the $300.00 a day to be peed on by a dude, but then again I would pay $300.00 a day to pissed on by a hot chick every morning.
I think thatshitcray was calculating his income after taxes.
A new piss tax on the middle class was on the table during the latest fiscal cliff discussions in case you guys didn’t see. So Obama and his liberal clowns would just tax the shit out of and redistribute it to the low-life democratic base anyways.
Sweet deal. I’ll for sure make six figures and never work a day in my life. I’d rather someone piss on my face for 30 seconds then work a miserable job for 30 years.
make it a chick and I’ll do it for 10 dollars and a poke in the eye.
The real question is whether or not you get to pick the time. If its at 6:30 EVERY morning, absolutely not. Inevitably, many saturday mornings, I’d be way too hungover to move before 11. So in essence, I would just lie there getting pissed on and then sleep in it for another 4 hours. Can’t have that. However, if it were like an alarm clock I got to set. I’m in.
Tax Free? Affirmative.
PS – how much does the Pisser get paid?