Puppy Bowl IX lineup was announced yesterday (Full Lineup here). I don’t care if you don’t watch the puppy bowl on Super Bowl Sunday (I usually don’t). I don’t care if you hate dogs (you should die). I don’t care if you’re in a bad mood and just want to hate anything (Shut up its Friday). The Puppy Bowl is awesome and anyone who disagrees is a terrorist.

So lets go, Top 5 puppies (Note, not just based on looks, I need winners and a well rounded team). I also did my bottom 5 because you can’t have a top without a bottom, totally didn’t mean that in the way it came out.

Alright lets go

TOP 5 Puppies


Name: Bessie Breed(s): Catahoula Leopard Dog mix
Sex: Female Age: 13 weeks
Fun Fact: A funny girl who always keeps people pinned

Middle Linebacker. Quick, agile, keeps people pinned. Love it. You can build a franchise on Bessie. Just no murdering people, ratting out your friends then paying everyone hush money so you can keep playing for the Baltimore Ravens ok?

 

Name: Cash Breed(s): Pit Bull
Sex: Male Age: 15 weeks
Fun Fact: Loves belly rubs

Real high on Cash. First of all you need a Pit Bull on your team, just have to have to one. Second of all, Cash is just a regular guy. Rub his belly and he’ll be happy. Easy as that. Simple pleasures. Probably a Stoolie.

Name: ShadowBreed(s): Catahoula/Labrador Retriever mix
Sex: MaleAge: 9 weeks
Fun Fact: He is a really soft super snuggler

Need a black guy on my team. Why? Well for one Black people are better athletes. But more importanly, when some Asian family adopts Shadow for their sunday night dinner everyone will remember that I picked a black guy so I don’t racially stereotype.

Name: FitzBreed(s): Catahoula mix
Sex: Male Age: 10 weeks
Fun Fact: Loves to pull his brother’s tail

Agressiveness, need that, also when I look into Fitz’s eyes I want to cry and an angel get’s its wings. That’s gotta count for something.

 

Name: PearlBreed(s): Australian Catahoula/Labrador Retriever mix
Sex: FemaleAge: 9 weeks
Fun Fact: A gorgeous blonde

My all American boy, starting QB. And yeah I know Pearl is actually a girl but come on, all dogs are boys, everyone knows that. Also, blondes always have more fun.

 

First Guy Off The Bench

Name: JuniperBreed(s)
Sex: Female Age: 12 weeks
Fun Fact: Is both a lover AND a fighter

 

PERFECT 6th man off the bench. Sort of like JR Smith. Stoner. Probably pretty moody. A lover AND a Fighter

 

Bottom 5 (technically 6). The World Needs Ditch Diggers Too


Name: Blitz Breed(s): Terrier mix
Sex: Female Age: 11 weeks
Fun Fact: Rode a plane, subway, AND a taxi in 24 hours

You rode an airplane, subway AND a taxi? Shut up. No way. Wait, just kidding, who gives a fuck, I do that all the time, its called traveling. Do something impressive then come talk to me, blitz.

Also, your haircut stinks.

Name: Biscuit Breed(s): Puerto Rican Sato
Sex: Female Age: 12 weeks
Fun Fact: Her mom is Julia Roberts so she is destined for greatness

Julia Roberts is your mom? Bullshit. That’s such a fucking lie. Which actually shouldn’t surprise me because you’re Puerto Rican. Never trust a Puerto Rican unless you’re trying to impregnate a teenager or start a musical street gang.


Name: Trinka Breed(s): Schnauzer/Beagle mix
Sex: Female Age: 10 weeks
Fun Fact: Loves sleeping in hotel room beds

Loves sleeping in hotel beds? Oh ok Trinka you stuck up bitch. I know these type of chicks, they tell you they’re not high maintenance then next thing you know you’re buying chanel, taking trips to Paris, and getting new friends because your college buddies are crude, drink beer, and still wear baseball hats. No thanks Trinka. Not looking for the headache

 

Name: AltheaBreed(s): Australian Shepherd/Catahoula Mix
Sex: FemaleAge: 9 weeks
Fun Fact: Loves to play and snuggle

Hey Althea, KFC called, he wants his eyes back.

Name: EliasBreed(s): Pit Bull
Sex: MaleAge: 12 weeks
Fun Fact: Was born in a Los Angeles animal shelter

That’s your fun fact Elias? That you were born in a shelter. Jesus, could you be more of a downer bro? Life doesn’t always have to be gloom and doom. Rather kill myself than hang out with Elias, then again if you hang out with Elias he’ll probably make you kill yourself anyway because Elias is totally the type of dog that listens to emo and cuts himself. Cheer up bro.


Name: Simba Breed(s): Japanese Chin
Sex: MaleAge: 8 weeks
Fun Fact: Very playful and confident with other dogs

8 Weeks? More like 8,000 Weeks. Bro your basically an old, grumpy, Japanese man already. Not to mention we’d never get along because 1) I’m not racist like you and 2) I’m not a doctor that went to Stanford, so we both know this isn’t going to work.

 

Alright there it is Puppy Bowl IX. Super pumped, until Elias tells me his mom has AIDS and his dad got hit by a car.

 

PS
Just took this picture, clear MVP if you ask me

Name: Stella Born:South Side of Chicago in a Dumpster

Fun Fact: Likes chewing on socks, chasing squirrels, and tiny handed bloggers