[Source] - Panic has hit a small Serbian village after the local council issued a public health warning that a VAMPIRE was on the loose. A world away from the usual council warnings about icy roads, the council has warned that the vampire is looking for victims after his legendary home was destroyed. An old ruined watermill on the Rogacica river at Zarozje village is said to have once housed the vampire Sava Savanovic – who is said to have drunk the blood of anyone who dared visit. The local Jagodic family bought it up years later and turned it into a tourist attraction after being too scared to use it for anything else. However, their terror led to the building collapsing over a lack of building work for fear of disturbing the vampire and they are now worried that Sava has been disturbed and is on the hunt. 

Local mayor Miodrag Vujetic said: “People are worried, everybody knows the legend of this vampire and the thought that he is now homeless and looking for somewhere else and possibly other victims is terrifying people. ”We are all frightened.” Locals are in doubt that the vampire legend is true and the council has advised terrified residents to put garlic up outside their home to ward off the ghoul. The mayor added: “We have also reminded them to put a Holy cross in every room in the house.”

Yesterday I visited 4 different houses to see various relatives throughout the day. Fucking 4. Halfway through the day I almost pulled a turkey out of the oven and Auschwitz’d myself. Nothing is worse than overdosing on family on Thanksgiving.

Except of course if you live in Serbia and a vampire is running around killing the townspeople because you destroyed his the only thing he cares about in the world. Hey guys it’s fucking Thanksgiving. Leave the guy alone. He’s a vampire. Dude’s got no friends. Just wants to not have everyone call him a freak for one goddamn day. Maybe re-enforce the foundation of his house so it doesn’t collapse and he’s not homeless and he doesn’t have justification for killing all of you. Fucking Serbians.

PS – If you live in Serbia and you don’t have a Holy Cross in every room of your house like this Mayor suggests you kinda deserve to die. Save yourselves idiots.