CBS Chicago - A woman assaulted on the CTA Blue Line in Oak Park last week told police another passenger struck her in the face with a sock filled with human excrement. “He had a sock full of his poop on me,” said the 21-year-old college student. “It was everywhere; on my face, my hair, my clothes.” She said she screamed and tried to follow him, along with another witness, but the attacker escaped up the Austin Boulevard exit and ran northbound on Austin. “The guy got on with me at [the] Oak Park [station],” the victim said, requesting anonymity. “I wasn’t really paying attention.” She sat down and started texting on her phone. “Next stop [at Austin], he throws something in my face.”

I’m so baffled by this story. I feel like a scientist trying to trace back the origins of time and history and just getting stuck at the Big Bang with no trace of evidence to tell me what came before that. How did we get here? How did this happen? Why is there a man traveling on the trains with a sock full of feces and smacking people in the face with it? Why is he carrying around a sock full of shit in the first place? Just question after unanswered question piling up on top of one another. It’s maddening.

Almost as bad as sitting here baffled by this whole thing is being the girl who it actually happened to. Jeez that must have been so embarrassing. Everything’s going fine, you’re texting your friends and listening to some music and BAM. Shit sock clobbers you right to the face. I imagine that would be a total day ruiner. Like Oh great now I have to go home and shower again and change out of these clothes WTF. Awful.

PS – I’d say that’s enough posts about excrement for Barstool Chicago today.