So with the apocalypse looming everyone on the internet is going to have their Top 5 list of things they would bring into their bunker. Dumb shit like Board Games, and Tomato cans, a million condoms, and Water. Whatever. If you’re smart, and you know how the post apocalypse world works, you know that its all about surviving life after the Asteroid/Solar Flare/Nuclear Holocaust, OUTSIDE of your bunker. You think I’m going to sit in a fucking hole in the ground for the rest of my life? Hell no. I’m building a bunker specifically so that I can take over the world the minute the dust settles. So here it is. Big Cat’s Top 5 things to bring into your Mayan Apocalypse Bunker. See everyone on the other side where my name is King Big Cat.
1. The Wheel (doesn’t matter the type, just a wheel) - Ever heard the saying, “lets not reinvent the wheel’. Well you think that’s just a saying? Fuck no. Inventing the wheel was hard as fuck. Cavemen lived forever with misshapen oblong rocks, walking around like morons while they broke their back trying to get things from point A to point B without the help of a wheel. You think I want to go back there? Absolutely not. Once you have the wheel everything else will fall into place. Wheel to Wheel is infinitely more difficult than Wheel to Computers and Cars. I will stay perpetually one step ahead of the rest of the world because I had the wheel first, nbd but kbd.
2. Weapon – So here is where most people would get Bazookas, or Uzi’s, or Rocket Launchers. Oh cool guys, you also going to get a lifetime supply of ammo? What happens when you’ve used all your rockets and you’re only king of half the world? What then? Well that’s why my “Weapon” is going to be Axel from Twisted Metal. Dude is so fucking hardcore. Look at him. Unlimited weapon. Ripped to shreds. Doubles as a car. Literally everything about Axel says Post Apocalypse. This fictional character has been training all his life to be my right hand man in my made up hypothetical scenario. All I need is a set of pegs and we’re good to roll.
Bonus Point – Axel increases my street cred by about 1,000
3. Cargo Shorts – So obviously I’m on the record saying Cargo Shorts are for losers and poor people. But guess what. That’s in the real world. If an asteroid hits the earth tomorrow and we go back to the Ice age well then yeah, I’ll wear some fucking cargo shorts. They’re backwards thinking so naturally they make sense when our entire society goes backwards. I’m basically mirroring myself after Dennis Hopper in Water World. I’m a rogue pirate trying to take over the new world. Pretty sure he rocked Cargo Shorts and if he didn’t he did in my mind so that’s all that matters.
So in summation, Regular world – Cargo shorts bad
Nuclear Holocaust where everything is destroyed and we have to start society from scratch – Cargo shorts, ok.
4. WWF World Champion Belt - Let me ask you this. When the world is a barren wasteland and everyone is trying to figure out who will lead them back to normal society do you honestly think the guy walking around with an authentic WWF World Champion Wrestling Belt won’t be the obvious choice? Exactly. Guy with the wrestling belt is the toughest guy in the room, everyone knows that.
5. Women – Choosing more than one woman may be cheating a little but I don’t give a fuck. Its my bunker I make the rules. Besides, I need multiple women so one can be pregnant while the other two look hot. That’s simple math. So with variety being the spice of life I’m going with Ashley Greene (my real life internet girlfriend), Jessica Biel (always had a thing for Biel), Chyna (For Axel to bang out, also never a bad thing to have an extra dude in the group) and my last has to be a blonde which is WAY harder than I thought it would be. Finalists (all of their upsides are that they’re absurdly hot so I just listed downsides)
Kate Upton – Downside, she’ll eat all the food and we’ll all starve to death.
Erin Heatherton – Downside, doesn’t like small hands. Strawberry blonde is 1 chromosome away from having a Ginger baby. Disgusting.
Jennifer Aniston – Downside, feel like she would get the other chicks to all hate me, girl power and all that shit, not worth the hassle. Also, old and I’ve never watched Friends so that would be super awkward.
Bar Rafaeli – Downside, Pres has tainted her for basically everyone. Same goes for Paulina Gretzky
Sarah Jean Underwood – Seems like a total bitch.
Candice Swanepoel – I think she may be too tall. Can’t have my kids end up in that crazy tall/weird category.
Brooklyn Decker – After a long and hard internal debate Ive decided on Brooklyn Decker. Super hot. Seems sort of cool and Andy Rodick doesn’t scare me in the least.
So there are my women. Ashley Green, Biel, Brooklyn Decker, and Chyna (For Axel)
Best bunker of all time or best bunker of all time? Leave your women/bunker in the comments, just don’t say Minion from twisted Metal 2 because everyone knows that was cheating.