Look, I’m not going to hate on elections. Democracy is what makes America the best country ever. We actually get to vote. No other country in the world gets to do that. But, with that said, if you fall into one of these categories today you probably need to kill yourself.

1. Guy who won’t tell you who he is voting for -

Chappelle was right, the things we share with other people to then not share who we’re voting for is patently ridicolous. But for me its more than that. Today is the one day of the year that I have to talk about politics with strangers and people I bump into. Its like the day before the Super Bowl, or the day before a big storm. Its no different than saying, “hey who do you like in the big game?” or “How about that snow we’re about to get”. I’m not talking to you about politics because I want to. I’m doing it because I have to. Because that’s what people do today. So don’t be a pretentious asshole and say “its private” or “I voted for the president”. Fuck you man. Our conversation is going to last for 15 seconds. See if you can last FIFTEEN seconds without being a total douchebag.

2. Sticker Person -

Google images really came through with the perfect “Sticker People”

“I Voted”. Thanks Dude! I jerked off today, you don’t see me wearing a sticker saying “I Masturbated!”. These people are the same people that wear their marathon medals around town. No different. They want credit for doing something a monkey could do. Like you remember the World Cup a couple years ago when they had that Squid picking games? That proves it right there. A squid could vote. A fucking squid. You’re not special. You don’t need a sticker. You don’t need a pat on the back. Just vote and be done with it. If you feel the need to wear a sticker around all day you probably have a small penis.

See Also the “I Voted” people on Facebook. They’re just new age sticker people.

3. I’m Moving to Canada

These people might be the worst. “If so and so doesn’t win I’m moving to Canada”. No you’re not you fucking drama queen. If so and so wins nothing in your day to day life is changing. Literally NOTHING. So stop looking for attention by telling everyone how awful candidate X is. Its all the same. You’re staying exactly where you are. No one is moving to Canada because Canada is fucking weird. You know it, I know it, and the whole world knows it, so just shut up and deal with losing like a man (ie get drunk and say racist things or make fun of mormons depending on what side wins).

Honorable Mentions

Every vote counts person – Every vote counts you guys! Shut up Puff Daddy. No it doesn’t. I live in Illinois. half of the state could fall into Lake Michigan and my vote still wouldn’t mean shit.

Sign Holders – I was totally going to vote for Obama until I saw that guy standing in front of the polling place with a Romney Sign. Way to go man. You killed it!

“Good Luck” People – Rare bird but they’re out there. Hey I’m going to Vote. “Oh Good Luck”. Seriously? What the fuck do I need luck for? I’m not playing the lottery or taking a test. I’m filling in a bubble next to a name. Its my own decision. Luck is literally the last thing that comes into play.

“You Can’t Complain For The Next 4 Years If You Don’t Vote” – Fuck that. I am voting today but if I weren’t voting I’d still complain every single day for the next 4 years because that’s what people do, they complain. Shit sucks. Life is miserable. We complain. Because I did or did not vote has nothing to do with it. I’ll stop complaining about things when I’m dead and not a minute sooner.

Vote NO on Question #1,283 – Always one of these. The one guy who is absolutely adamant on some obscure issue. “Stop greyhound racing after 6 pm on Holidays, Vote No on Question 54″. “Limit the use of Lawn Mowers on Saturdays, Vote Yes on Question 283″. Shut up dude. Who cares. If you’re not allowed to do something because of some silly city ordinance just do it anyway. No one will stop you. Last I checked this is America.