Huff Po Chicago - Potential jurors in the William Beavers tax evasion trial will field questions about IRS audits and their feelings about gambling as the selection process gets underway with a U.S. District judge Monday. The Cook County Commissioner, who has referred to himself as “The Hog With The Big Nuts,” faces allegations that hesiphoned off thousands of dollars in campaign money to pay for gambling debts racked up at the Horseshoe Casinoand other personal expenses, reports Fox Chicago. In all, Beavers, 77, allegedly diverted $226,000 in campaign funds then failed to report it as income on his tax returns, according to Fox.
I have zero interest in what this trial is going to be about. The second I hear phrases like “tax evasion” and “IRS audits” it’s like turning the music off in Weekend at Bernie’s and I just collapse into a ball on the ground stone dead. Just impossible to give a fuck about that boring stuff. The only thing that matters here is a) jail or b) freedom for William Beavers aka “The Hog With The Big Nuts”. On the one hand, if you’re free, you get to continue life as a 77 year old black man with tons of money and possibly the greatest nickname in the world. You get to stomp out of that courthouse and say something cool like “Ain’t nobody done fuck with the Hog with the Big Nuts!” and probably instantly get your dick sucked by some broad because that’s what charismatic black dudes do. They get loud and boisterous and then some chick blows them.
Of course on the other hand if you walk into jail with that name you’re going to get ripped apart like the goat in Jurassic Park. Dude won’t spend 20 minutes in the clink before his bloody limbs are torn and thrown all over the shower room. Walking into prison well-known as the Hog with the Big Nuts is like dumping a passed out altar boy on the front steps of a NAMBLA meeting. It’ll be a fucking feeding frenzy. The whole thing is like the biggest risk/reward in human history. Hope they air this on CNBC like the OJ trial or something.