New Years, some people love it, some people absolutely hate it but wherever you land on the New Years spectrum you will undoubtedly have one or all of these people at your New Years party tonight.


1. Girl who Loves New Years

Everyone knows this chick. Dresses up like she’s going to the Oscars. New dress. Spent the day in the salon. Got her nails done. Why? Because New Years is the greatest night of the year for this person. She wants all the boys to dress in tuxes, get a limo, go to a super expensive party, basically everything everyone hates about New Years. And at the actual party you better not say New Years sucks around this person because she will cut your fucking balls off. New Years is her World Series/Super Bowl/St Patty’s Day/July 4th all rolled into one. Don’t fuck with her, or she’ll put a Steve Madden heel through your eyeball.


2. First kiss Guy

Did you guys know finding a first kiss when the clock strikes midnight is a tradition? Oh you did? Because you’re not a fucking moron? Right, well this guy think he’s found some novel hilarious never before heard pick up line. He asks every girl to be his first kiss and every girl loathes his existence. He’s the definition of a squid. Don’t be this guy. This guy never ends up getting a kiss because he’s a fucking loser.


3. Single ChickĀ 

This is the girl that is recently single, probably just got dumped and is absolutely miserable about being alone on New Years. But she won’t admit that. No, what this girl does is pretend she totally doesn’t give a fuck. She’s ready to RAGE. She’s ready to be single and hook up with so many hawt guys!!! Translation, this is the chick who starts taking shots at 8 pm, is crying by 10 pm, puking by 11, and texting her ex-boyfriend by midnight saying how much she misses him.

4. Girl who planned the New Years Party

Whether its a house party or bar party at this point you’ve probably gotten roughly 1,000 emails from this chick. “Buy your tickets now before they go up $50″. “Everyone remember you can’t wear sneakers”. “Tickets are $150 but that includes a champagne toast at Midnight”. Over and over again. Always about the Champagne toast though. Like spending an outrageous amount of money for a New Years party is suddenly ok because someone hands you a solo cup of Mums at midnight. Fuck that. Champagne sucks. And so does this chick. She is the same chick that watched the “Wedding Planner” and now thinks she’s J-Lo and can be a professional party planner starting with her totally awesome New Years Eve Extravaganza.


5. Guy who HATES New Years

Other side of the spectrum. The guy at the party who continually reminds everyone that New Years is overrated. Calls it amateur night. Complains that whatever party you’re at is terrible. Look, I hate New Years too, its always overrated and always disappointing but I also don’t stand around a party and say that out loud. People who do that are assholes. They try to be “alternative” and “edgy” by not liking things that are mainstream when in reality they’re just dickheads that can’t have a good time. Treat New Years like any other night and be done with it. Complaining about it being overrated just makes everyone hate you.



So there it is. The 5 people you’ll see at your New Years party. If you’re one of these 5 you should probably fix it, if you’re not you’re doing New Years correctly. Either way, I’ll see you guys next year.