Super Bowl Sunday, probably the best Sunday of the year. Eating, drinking, football, parties, the whole 9. EXCEPT, these people that will undoubtedly be at your party. Avoid these people like the plague and you should be good. Oh and I lied, there are actually 6 but I made it a top 5 because it sounds better. Its called artistic license, learn it.

 

6. Guy Who Doesn’t Understand Football

Always one of these. The Super Bowl is the one time of the year where everyone, no matter what race, age, religion, gender, is sitting in front of a tv watching sports. So undoubtedly there will be a guy at your party that knows NOTHING about football. Which is fine. But to choose the Super Bowl as the day you want to learn more about the game and ask questions like “What is that yellow line” and “Which one’s the linebacker” is not ok. Here’s a tip. If you’re that guy, just shut the fuck up and watch the game. Nod your head, cheer when everyone else cheers and don’t say a word otherwise.

 

5. Girl with the Dip

Have you tried my dip? What’d you think about my dip? Did everyone like my dip? It took me 4 hours to make that dip, tell me what you think? I can give the recipe for the dip if you want? Why isn’t anyone eating my dip? The wings are good but my dip is great.

It starts innocently enough. The dip is sitting with the rest of the food. By the second quarter its on the coffee table, by the 3rd its being passed around, and by the 4th you’re sitting with a bowl of spinach artichoke cream cheese dip in your lap  as a some amateur chef asks you for your 10 point taste test review. Fuck off bitch, if I don’t eat your dip it means I  think it sucks. Pick up on a social cue for once otherwise everyone is going to talk shit about you when you go off to the bathroom.

 

4. First Time Gambling Guy/Guy Who Doesn’t Understand Squares

He put 20 dollars on the Ravens +4 with his boss at work. He doesn’t understand what +4 means and will make that abundantly clear when he asks you if he’s winning his bet at various points throughout the game. He then will buy some squares. He doesn’t understand how squares work either. You will waste 20 minutes of your life explaining it to it to him. The Ravens will cover, he will win squares, and will then tell everyone how fun gambling is and ask out loud if gambling is so easy why doesn’t everyone do it? This will happen. It always does.

3. Guy who gambled on too many prop bets

Will Alicia Keyes show cleavage? How many times will they mention Jack Harbaugh’s name? What color tie is Jim Nantz going to wear? Will Frank Gore have a rushing attempt that goes for exactly 12 yards? On and on it goes. This guy is the worst. He has no idea what he bet on and keeps asking everyone if they remember specific plays that NO ONE would ever care to remember. And yes, I am this guy. I suck to watch the Super Bowl with. At least I’m self aware though right?

 

2. Guy who doesn’t watch any of the game and then celebrates/roots the hardest.

Hasn’t watched a second of the game. Probably been talking to your girlfriend by that gross Spinach dip, then in the 4th quarter he’s standing over you screaming and yelling at the TV. Oh and make no mistake, he will 100% be rooting for the opposite of whatever your bet is, why? Because he has a cousin who is engaged to a guy who went to John Hopkins, so they’re basically from Baltimore.

 

1. Commercial Girl

Here’s the thing. I actually like watching the commercials. Most people do. But you know what sucks. When that one chick at the party tells everyone to shut up during EVERY commercial break because she interned at some ad firm last summer and is a huge mad men fan and wants to see what the most controversial ad is so she can post it to her tumblr. Fuck that chick. Watch the commericals, don’t watch the commercials, I don’t care, just don’t tell me to be quiet because you want to hear exactly how Danica Patrick said Go-Daddy during the 3rd quarter or whether or not the Pepsi can had too many sweat beads on it.

 

Honorable Mentions

-Serious Discussion guy – Concussions guys, concussions. Also race, because why wouldn’t we want to talk about race in America during the Super Bowl.

-Rooting for the opposite team as everyone else just to be an asshole guy.

-Guy who makes you pause the game so he can take a picture of the PR person he is internet stalking

-Guy who accidentally hits the remote and changes the channel at a crucial part of the game

-Guy who brings his girlfriend and does PDA during the game.

-Guy who doesn’t offer the host any cash or doesn’t chip in, in anyway. Fuck this guy.

 

Leave any that I may have missed in the comments.