Early January, the time when everyone talks about New Years Resolutions and how much better 2013 is going to be. Well sorry guys, but I’m here to tell you 1)2013 will be the same as 2012 and 2) Your New Years Resolution is bullshit so stop telling people what you’re going to change because no one gives a fuck.

Now for the Top 5 New Years Resolutions everyone says they’re going to do but no one ever does, in reverse order of annoyance.

5. Enjoy the “Little Things In Life”

“Lets remember to enjoy the small things in life you guys!” “In 2013 I’m going to stop and smell the Roses!”. “I saw a butterfly come out of its cocoon today, makes you appreciate how wonderful life is #Life #LittleThings #Butterflys”

Look, I’m not saying appreciating the little things in life isn’t important. Of course its important to have perspective, but if you’re someone that constantly has to remind yourself of this then you’re a moron. You’re probably also a personĀ  that says shit like “Dance like no one is watching” and “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, just stupid cliches that mean absolutely nothing but make you feel good about yourself because you have a small brain. People who tell you to enjoy the little things in life are basically just telling you that you’re a selfish privileged prick. Umm Newsflahs, You don’t think I know that? I’m a white male in America. You literally can not do better than that. You don’t have to remind me of it, I realize it every fucking day I wake up and remember that I’m me.

4. Read More

Reading is such a pain in the dick. Sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like if my parents never taught me how to read. It would be phenomenal. Just live my illiterate life and never have to actually look at any words. My New Years Resolution is to read less, always.

3. Stop Drinking/Smoking/Eating Unhealthy

This one drives me nuts because you know its a fucking lie. Everyone just came off the Holidays. Just gained 10 pounds. They look pale, they feel fat, andĀ  all of a sudden decided that this is the year they’re going to put the plug in the jug. It starts out with “I’m not drinking beer or eating red meat”. Then its “I’m only drinking lite beer and the occasional steak”. Then you’re right back to the exact same place you were before the holidays. I just never understood why anyone would wilfully give up drinking and eating during the absolute worst weather months of the year. If anything you should be drinking more. Just get through January and February in one drunk fat slob phase and re-assess your life once March Madness is over. Just because the year changed doesn’t mean its a good time to get healthy. Being healthy or pseudo healthy is for the summer when people can openly judge you. Why would I drink less beer when everyone is wearing a sweatshirt and a huge coat? Makes zero sense.

2. Become a better person

I just find this one hilarious. I’m going to be so much better in 2013. Better brother, better friend, better son. Whatever. Being a nice person is overrated. I tried to be nice once and then I realized the world sucks and that I hate almost everyone so I kicked a bum in the face, littered in the ocean and stole a kid’s bike. Slept like a baby that night. Better isn’t always better. Better is usually worse.

1. Get in shape

Now clearly by the tone of this blog you would think I am going to make fun of people for trying to get in shape. Wrong. I have a long history of promoting physical fitness. This resolution sucks for a very different reason. For all the people complaining about how packed the gyms are with all these new people and how they can’t even get to the bench or squat anymore. THOSE people fucking suck. “Spring Break and New Years, can never get an open rack”. “All these fat people should go home, let the real gym rats lift”. “Have to go to the gym at midnight now to avoid all the people, FML”. Shut up assholes. We get it. You lifted before New Years and now the influx of people bother you. No one gives a fuck. Waiting an extra 30 seconds on a machine is not the end of the world and no one cares if your gym is out of protein powder. Its winter. Have a beer and stop being an uptight asshole.

So there it is. If you have one of these 5 resolutions stop fooling yourself, or at least stop telling us about it because honestly, no one gives a fuck.

PS
Want to know how to do a New Years Resolution? Pick something you can actually accomplish. My resolution this year was to drink more Apple Juice. So fucking delicious and I’m pretty sure I only had it once in 2012. Just totally forgot it existed. Well guess what, I’ve already had 3 bottles of it this year so technically my resolution is completed. January 3rd and I’ve already changed for the “better”. Impressive, I know.