The 5 Most Annoying New Years Resolutions Everyone Says They’ll Do
Early January, the time when everyone talks about New Years Resolutions and how much better 2013 is going to be. Well sorry guys, but I’m here to tell you 1)2013 will be the same as 2012 and 2) Your New Years Resolution is bullshit so stop telling people what you’re going to change because no one gives a fuck.
Now for the Top 5 New Years Resolutions everyone says they’re going to do but no one ever does, in reverse order of annoyance.
5. Enjoy the “Little Things In Life”
“Lets remember to enjoy the small things in life you guys!” “In 2013 I’m going to stop and smell the Roses!”. “I saw a butterfly come out of its cocoon today, makes you appreciate how wonderful life is #Life #LittleThings #Butterflys”
Look, I’m not saying appreciating the little things in life isn’t important. Of course its important to have perspective, but if you’re someone that constantly has to remind yourself of this then you’re a moron. You’re probably also a person that says shit like “Dance like no one is watching” and “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, just stupid cliches that mean absolutely nothing but make you feel good about yourself because you have a small brain. People who tell you to enjoy the little things in life are basically just telling you that you’re a selfish privileged prick. Umm Newsflahs, You don’t think I know that? I’m a white male in America. You literally can not do better than that. You don’t have to remind me of it, I realize it every fucking day I wake up and remember that I’m me.
4. Read More
Reading is such a pain in the dick. Sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like if my parents never taught me how to read. It would be phenomenal. Just live my illiterate life and never have to actually look at any words. My New Years Resolution is to read less, always.
3. Stop Drinking/Smoking/Eating Unhealthy
This one drives me nuts because you know its a fucking lie. Everyone just came off the Holidays. Just gained 10 pounds. They look pale, they feel fat, and all of a sudden decided that this is the year they’re going to put the plug in the jug. It starts out with “I’m not drinking beer or eating red meat”. Then its “I’m only drinking lite beer and the occasional steak”. Then you’re right back to the exact same place you were before the holidays. I just never understood why anyone would wilfully give up drinking and eating during the absolute worst weather months of the year. If anything you should be drinking more. Just get through January and February in one drunk fat slob phase and re-assess your life once March Madness is over. Just because the year changed doesn’t mean its a good time to get healthy. Being healthy or pseudo healthy is for the summer when people can openly judge you. Why would I drink less beer when everyone is wearing a sweatshirt and a huge coat? Makes zero sense.
2. Become a better person
I just find this one hilarious. I’m going to be so much better in 2013. Better brother, better friend, better son. Whatever. Being a nice person is overrated. I tried to be nice once and then I realized the world sucks and that I hate almost everyone so I kicked a bum in the face, littered in the ocean and stole a kid’s bike. Slept like a baby that night. Better isn’t always better. Better is usually worse.
1. Get in shape
Now clearly by the tone of this blog you would think I am going to make fun of people for trying to get in shape. Wrong. I have a long history of promoting physical fitness. This resolution sucks for a very different reason. For all the people complaining about how packed the gyms are with all these new people and how they can’t even get to the bench or squat anymore. THOSE people fucking suck. “Spring Break and New Years, can never get an open rack”. “All these fat people should go home, let the real gym rats lift”. “Have to go to the gym at midnight now to avoid all the people, FML”. Shut up assholes. We get it. You lifted before New Years and now the influx of people bother you. No one gives a fuck. Waiting an extra 30 seconds on a machine is not the end of the world and no one cares if your gym is out of protein powder. Its winter. Have a beer and stop being an uptight asshole.
So there it is. If you have one of these 5 resolutions stop fooling yourself, or at least stop telling us about it because honestly, no one gives a fuck.
PS
Want to know how to do a New Years Resolution? Pick something you can actually accomplish. My resolution this year was to drink more Apple Juice. So fucking delicious and I’m pretty sure I only had it once in 2012. Just totally forgot it existed. Well guess what, I’ve already had 3 bottles of it this year so technically my resolution is completed. January 3rd and I’ve already changed for the “better”. Impressive, I know.
The gym people are the fucking worst, especially in college right before Spring Break.
Fuck the self righteous whores 75% of them are the ones who wno’t be there in a month
Not a resolution but how about people think that because its a new year everything has changed. “I had a shitty 2012 but I’m going to ______ in 2013!” Yea, we made it around the sun so all of your life’s problems from yesterday are reset. Good luck with that.
Great post, but big cat, apple juice has a lot of sugar bro, don’t go too crazy on that stuff. Also, you’re a child if you actually drink it
@Pointbreak, could not agree more.
i cringe at the db’s who air out all the bad stuff that happened to them in 2012 (dad’s cancer, my “surgery” (prompting/asking people to ask you “what surgery”?, lost my job, etc), but are destined for a better 2013. i wonder if they know it makes them look pathetic.
thats why i go to the rich, mostly white gym. so far ive had no problems
People I hate today on facebook:
1. People complaining the gym is packed because ya know, they always go 5x a week
2. People complaining it is cold. Fuck you, it’s January in Boston. Grow a pair.
3. People who put up pictures of sick dying cancer kids and tell me to “like” it if I think they are beautiful. They are not beautiful, they are dying of cancer, and are bald and pale from failed chemo treatments. yes, it is sad, but let’s not exploit them so some douchebag can get alerts on her Facebook status alerts everytime someone likes it.
4. Anyone who posts pictures of their cats or dogs, and are childless. It’s sad really, you’re made it to 48 years old, your ovaries fell out before Obama took office, and now you think you pair of shetland pony dogs are actually “my children”. Pets are not kids. Kids grow up and are able to fetch you a beer out of the fridge during a Patriots game, and eventually stop shitting themselves.
A buddy of mine gave up porn for his resolution in 2012, and his girlfriend thinks he actually completed it.
My resolution last year was to take the full year off from Vegas…a lot harder than you think
not drinking or banging rails for at least 24 hours from now..
Can’t fucking stand people on Facebook and their new years resolutions and how their “year” was and think that everyone wants to fucking see that. I’m with ya Big Cat, I’ve tried to be nice and it just flat out sucks.
WHITE MOTHERFUCKERS TRYNA FUNCTION HILARIOUS. DO DRUGS MAKE ME RICH.
“Its winter. Have a beer and stop being an uptight asshole.”
Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t say the same thing about summer, or spring, or football season. Shut the fuck up Big Cat.
Right now the gym is like church on Easter. A lot of strange faces.
mine was get a new fucking remote from shitty time warner… done!
My new year’s resolution is to get more pussy and do more drugs than I did in 2012. Already off to a good start.
All those fucking girls are just bitching because they dont have an empty treadmill buffer anymore. If it bothers you so much, sack up and run outside, don’t just passive aggressively bitch at the other chicks in the gym. Such a girl move. I’ve never heard a dude seriously complain about there being too many people on free weights/machines, because its only a minute of waiting.