Huff Po - Sweden’s ICEHOTEL opened to intrepid visitors earlier this month, giving visitors from around the world the chance to channel their inner Eskimo. The hotel, located 200 km north of the Arctic Circle in Jukkasjärvi, is constructed from the environment around it. ”We’re completely dependent on the weather, we have a schedule to adhere to but it varies from year to year,” Icehotel representative Beatrice Karlsson told Agence France-Presse. This is the 23rd time the hotel has been built. The hotel encompasses 65 hotel rooms, a lobby and reception area, a main hall and an ice bar. As the hotel opens in phases, an ice chapel (for weddings, of course) will be opened later.

The first phase of the hotel opens in December, and the whole structure is completed by early January. More than just a hotel, the structure is considered “an ephemeral art project” by its creators. A handful of the suites were designed by artists selected from more than 100 applicants from around the world. The canvas is fleeting, as it only lasts until warmer temperatures come. Interested in a stay at the ICEHOTEL? Double and twin rooms, as well as hotel chalets for three to five people (in a Scandinavian design) are available. Outer wear, gloves, shoes, breakfast buffet, morning sauna are included. Rates vary, but a stay on Christmas will run about $480 for the night. The hotel also welcomes day visitors. Don’t worry about being too cold though; in the hotel it never gets colder than 23 to 18 degrees fahrenheit, despite the outdoor temperature sometimes being as low as -22 degrees.

Hey sounds great. Personally I was tired of staying in hotels on vacation with pools and beaches and broads walking around in bikinis with places to lounge and get shitfaced off some expensive cocktail I’ve never heard of. Much rather take a fucking snowmobile up to the arctic circle and freeze to death on some glorified ice sculptures. And for only $480 a night!

I guess the one upside to this is you don’t have to worry about your bed sheets looking like a CSI crime scene from past guests. Because rest assured nobody has ever banged in the Ice Hotel. I don’t even think it’s logistically possible. Like shrinkage aside, one wrong move and your dick and balls will be superglued to your ice bed like Harry getting his tongue stuck on the ski lift in Dumb and Dumber. You’ll just have to hibernate in your ice room like a Neanderthal until spring comes along and you can unhinge your yarbles without opening up a kangaroo patch down there. Thanks but no thanks Sweden, I’ll stick to the Keys where I can creep on co-eds and drink myself into a coma for 6 straight days.