LEWISTON, Idaho (AP) – Police in Lewiston say someone passed a counterfeit $1 bill at the Big R, a denomination that is rarely faked.
Police Lt. Budd Hurd says the bill looks real, but the paper is heavier than normal, which is what tipped off a store clerk Monday.
The bill had apparently been washed to soften its appearance and make it look older and used. Hurd says a forgery pen indicated the bill was a fake.
Hurd told the Lewiston Tribune he’s only seen a counterfeit $1 once in his career, and it was made by a junior high school student to pay off a bully.
You know when you were a kid and your teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up? Some kids said they wanted to be an astronaut, others said they wanted to play baseball. Well you know what I said? That when I grow up I want to be the pre-eminent 2 dollar bill counterfeiter in America.
Now I know what you’re saying. That’s stupid Big Cat, if you’re going to counterfeit why not counterfeit something larger, why be like this idiot from Idaho passing around 1 dollar bills? Well that’s exactly it. You have to zig when everyone expects you to zag. Think about it. Anytime anyone ever gets a 2 dollar bill in their hands they are in absolute awe. Don’t even notice the person handing it to them. I could walk up to your house right this second, ring your doorbell, hand you a 2 dollar bill, fuck your wife, pet your dog and drink all your beer and you wouldn’t have the first clue what hit you because all you would be focused on is that sweet crisp Thomas J in your little palm. And no one ever spends a 2 dollar bill. My paper trail would die with every 2 I hand out. Once you have a TJ you hold on to that shit forever. I had one when I was a kid for like 8 years. Why? Oh I don’t know, maybe because a 2 dollar bill is literally priceless.
And here’s the best part. Do you even know what a 2 dollar bill looks like? I sure as fuck don’t. So counterfeiting it will be child’s play. Look at this proto-type I whipped up in literally 5 minutes. Spot on. Even added a couple holograms for extra security.
Try to tell me if someone hands you this 2 dollar bill you aren’t taking it. Can’t do it. Its too fucking good. That shit is real and spectacular. Before you know it everyone in Chicago will be saying to themselves “There goes Big Cat, the man with a trillion 2 dollar bills”. Sometimes I’m so smart I amaze myself.
New twitter handle. Follow me @BarstoolBigCat