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NYT – The Russian government is apparently blocking a shipment of 5,000 containers of Chobani yogurt — now sitting in limbo in cold storage near Newark Liberty International Airport — that had been bound for the United States Olympic team. The blockade has prompted protests from yogurt-promoting politicians in New York and in Washington, who express outrage that American athletes could be deprived of a protein-rich food that had been part of their training regimen. 

The Russian government says the American-made yogurt cannot enter Russia because the Americans have not submitted the proper paperwork. The United States says the certification required by the Russians would be impossible to attain. The yogurt makers are growing exasperated. “I’d like to think that yogurt could have diplomatic immunity,” said Peter McGuinness, the chief marketing and brand officer for Chobani. The Obama administration has intervened, seeking to clear the way for the delivery.

No resolution is in sight. Whether American athletes will have access to any other brands of yogurt could not be determined on Wednesday. Yevgeniy Khorishko, a spokesman for the Russian Embassy in Washington, said American officials had been told about the necessary paperwork, but had not complied. Mr. Khorishko said there would be no special treatment just because the yogurt was bound for American lips. “We are a lawful country,” he said. “You should follow the rules.”

 

That’s it. Dust off the air raid sirens and start practicing your duck and cover. I’m pretty sure this is gonna fire up the Cold War again. How bout the balls on Russia getting high and mighty with their paperwork and laws? We are a lawful country… You should follow the rules. Bull fucking shit, Russia. Tell me exactly how the Winter Olympics ended up in Putin’s favorite summer vacation spot with stray dogs and acid water. Not a lick of IOC bribery or lawbreaking involved in any of those transactions, I’m sure.

Obviously nobody in the US knows how to do business with these Russian customs agents. Complete the necessary paperwork? Phone call from Obama? That’s not how you get things done in bears on unicycle country. It’s basically insulting the Russians. Send me over with a case of Stoli and $20k in small, nonconsecutive bills and I guarantee that paperwork problem goes dasvidaniya. Otherwise just sack up and air drop John Stamos in a Captain America costume on a pallet of Dannon Oikos. Olympic athletes need their protein. Lord knows where they get dairy in Russia. Probably Putin’s manboobs.

 

P.S. Yogurt Power Rankings: Based entirely on when I see them how much I want to eat them instantly. Not quality of yogurt/ingredients.

5) Go-gurt

Don’t know why I dislike go-gurt so much. Something about it irks me. Probably because you absolutely can’t eat it on the go which is the whole point of its advertising. You put it in your mouth and suck the whole tube down. That’s how go-gurt works. Who saves go-gurt for later? Psychopaths. That’s who. Carrying it around like a lunatic. Can’t put it down because it’ll just splooge all over the place. No thanks go-gurt. I’ll find a spoon.

5) Chobani

Chobani’s decent. Any healthy yogurt with fruit chunks in it tends to gross me out though. Now that they’re trying to send a shipment illegally into Russia I might give them another once over though.

4) Dannon Oikos

Uncle Jessie

3) Yoplait

Delicious. Cheap. You don’t look like a pretentious yogurt snob while you eat it. Helps you poop. Love it.

2) Danimals

NOTHING better than cracking open those sprinkles and dumping them into a Danimals yogurt cup. Nostalgia bomb city. Fuck bubble wrap. Fuck fresh out the dryer boxers. Give me Danimal sprinkles or give me death.

1) Trix

Boom. Two flavors. One cup. No chunky fruit shit. Trix is the King Kong of yogurts.

 

And for you yogurt snobs out there, I’ve heard Stonyfield is good but I’ve never tried it. If you wouldn’t eat a Trix yogurt at any given moment if it’s put in front of you, then we have nothing to talk about. I’d eat it at a lobster dinner if they brought it buy. Nice little palette cleanser between surf and turf.