Of course Rick Reilly wrote an out of touch column about how offensive this ad was. Of course he did, because he’s Rick Reilly. Lets get right into it. Oh and if you don’t like reading long blogs go ahead and skip it. No hurt feelings. I’m not going to stop ripping Reilly anytime soon. The voice of the common man can’t stand for garbage like this. Reilly doesn’t speak for any of us.

 

 

(Full “column”) Sometimes you wonder where Tiger Woods gets his public-relations advice. Gary Busey?

Rick Reilly gets all his pop culture news from Celebrity Apprentice, I’m sure of it.

 

After a 2009 sex scandal that would make Magic Mike blush, it seemed as if Woods was finally coming around. Back to No. 1 in the world. Got himself a girlfriend he could bring home to mom. People even were starting to feel a little sorry for him.

Wait, forget I said that last thing, he also goes to year old movies. Magic Mike. Fucking Reilly. Too funny bro. Say what you want about the guy but don’t say he isn’t always on the cutting edge of pop culture.

And then he allows Nike to release an ad that spits goo in the eye of anybody who was on the fence. It ran on social media after Woods won in Orlando last week. It was a picture of him with the caption: “Winning Takes Care of Everything.”

The only problem is, it’s a big whopping jelly-filled lie.Winning doesn’t take care of everything.

Yes it does. Winning always takes care of everything. People who disagree are losers. That’s just a fact. In the words of John Mason “Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen”. Well guess what, Tiger has fucked basically every prom queen in America.

There are some stains winning can’t scrub clean. Like the worst sex scandal in pro sports history. Like talking about being sorry but never walking it. Like pretending you’re going to curb your temper and your filthy mouth on the golf course and then doing nothing of the kind.

Here’s a tip. If you care about a professional athlete not being “sorry” enough, or not swearing during intense competition then you’re a fucking asshole. Who gives a fuck. Honestly. Does anyone care if Tiger is sorry besides Rick Reilly? The answer is no. No one does. Because unless you’re 10 years old or Rick Reilly you realize that 99% of professional athletes are dickheads anyway.

(Last week, Woods texted Rory McIlroy: “Get your finger out of your a– and win this week.” Remind me: What charm school did he attend again?)

Remind me what man in America doesn’t bust his friends balls over text?

Life is life and lies are lies. Playing golf well doesn’t buy you forgiveness or redemption or peace. The road to heaven isn’t paved with giant novelty checks.

Reilly has a point here. It’s paved with people correctly crediting their sources on twitter. Hey Reilly, people don’t forget.

 

Ask Lance Armstrong if winning takes care of everything. Ask Pete Rose. Ask Joe Paterno’s family.

Because a guy who liked to fuck prostitutes is the same as a guy who hid a pedophile scandal from the police. That makes sense, fuckface.

 

If winning took care of everything, why is the winning prison softball team still in prison?

Rick Reilly is like the substitute teacher growing up. You know the guy that when you asked “Can I go to the bathroom” they would reply “I don’t know, can you?”. Taking everything to its absolute literal meaning. Yes Rick, you’re right. A group of felons that win in a prison softball game do not get to go free because they won. You really nailed us on that one bro. I guess winning doesn’t take care of EVERYTHING.

I have one rule on Tiger Woods: Admire the game, not the man. The game is the greatest I’ve ever seen. But the man is rude and vulgar and has a screw-you-I’m-Tiger-Woods policy that’s not the least bit becoming. The arrogance it takes to allow this ad to run is Reason No. 7,393.

Translation – Tiger Woods won’t be my friend and give me special interviews so I hate him.

If you’re Elin Nordegren, his ex-wife, and you see that line, “Winning Takes Care of Everything,” don’t you throw your laptop across the room? He cheated on her with a parade of porn stars, Vegas escorts and even a daughter of a neighbor. I’m thinking another win at Bay Hill isn’t going to take care of much for her.

No you don’t. You know why? ONE HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION DOLLARS. That’s why.

The problem isn’t “winning takes care of everything.” The problem is that Woods clearly believes it does.

Again, so does everyone in America that doesn’t pretend to be the moral police every time they need to write a column.

 And if you think he didn’t OK it, you don’t understand who Tiger Woods is. He’s a detail demon down to the tips of his shoelaces. If he rents your house for a tournament, he allegedly has all of your furniture taken out and duplicates of his own brought in, so he feels at home. You think he’s going to let a national ad go out without seeing it first?

That furniture move is straight up gangster. Now I just like Tiger even more.

Further, you don’t think that Nike — which stuck by him when every other national corporation dumped him after the sex scandal broke — didn’t have this cued up? You don’t think they said: “OK, big guy. You’re back to No. 1. Now it’s payback.” And it worked. It’s been a perfect storm of attention for Nike. People either hate it or they love it, but they’re clicking on it like crazy. It’s cocky. It’s smug. And it’s a solid 8-iron over the line. Remember, Nike’s done this before. They’re the people that brought you Charles Barkley’s “I am Not a Role Model” and the 1996 Olympic anthem “You Don’t Win Silver, You Lose Gold.”

You mean a for profit company tried to make an ad trying to get attention and make a profit? Oh my god. How dare they! Hey asshole, this isn’t the Catholic Church or some charity. Nike is in the business of selling things. If they can sell more things with this ad, kudos to them for being smarter than everyone else.

Oh, they knew what they were doing. And they meant every level you can read into it. Tiger and the creatives and the suits must’ve looked at all the options, ignored the pesky moral implications and said, “Just do it.”

HA! Just Do It. Get it guys? Just Do It. Every time I try to hate Reilly he drops a hilarious joke right in my face.

This is Tiger’s “I’m back and I never changed and you have to like me anyway.” This is his deodorant and he’s quite sure we’ll all shrug and agree.

Can you imagine how little he thinks of us?

And there it is. Reilly putting a perfect bow on this piece of trash column. “Can you imagine how little he thinks of us?”. That sentence right there sums up why Reilly is so insufferable. What kind of egomaniac says that? Can you imagine how little Tiger Woods thinks of us. No I can’t, because honestly I’ve never once thought, I wonder what Tiger Woods thinks of me or any fan. Its all fake. Athletes give canned responses. The media spins shit out of control  to write columns. We keep watching and buying products and round and round we go. To think for one second that you are important enough to cross Tiger Wood’s mind means you’re delusional. Get off your high horse Reilly. Writing garbage like this is why everyone hates you.