Patrick Kane Is Living In Switzerland With His Mom And Staying Completely Out Of Trouble, Also Hell Just Froze Over
(Source) Were it not for his car, Patrick Kane would get around town here without ever tipping anyone off that he is an NHL star for the Chicago Blackhawks. But once the locals see his ride, they know. In Biel, it just smacks of hockey player—mainly because it’s a Skoda station wagon with the Biel hockey team’s logo plastered across the side. Patrick Kane has notched 15 points in his 14 games with EHC Biel of the Swiss league. So when he steps out of it, people realize that he must be one of Biel’s two NHL refugees, Kane or the Boston Bruins’ Tyler Seguin. The fans just don’t know which is which. “They want to talk to you and ask if you’re Kane or Seguin,” Kane said last week.
They are just two of the 26 NHL players who came to Switzerland this fall while they wait for the lockout to end. The owners and the NHL Players Association have been deadlocked since Sept. 16. On Monday the league canceled games through Dec. 30. What sets the 24-year-old Kane apart from the other players, aside from his status as a former NHL Rookie of the Year and Stanley Cup winner, is that when he came to Europe, he imported a support network: his mom. “And when I got here, I was like, ‘There’s just no way,’” Donna Kane said. “I cook for him every day. There’s only like five stations on television. There’s not much really to do. It’s kind of lonely.” For a month now, Kane and his mother have lived in a modern three-bedroom on the edge of the forest about five minutes from the rink. It’s the first time she has lived with her son since he left home for junior hockey at the age of 14. And the apartment is so Spartan that one of the bedrooms remains totally empty. Between them, the Kanes brought only his hockey bag, some sticks and three suitcases: one’s for him, one’s for her and the third is essentially America in a Bag. Among its contents are cereal bars, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, a raft of bestselling novels and, of course, a book about Tim Tebow.
Do you know what I learned today? That Patrick Kane has finally figured it out. He’s finally figured out how to play the game. Have your mom move in, pretend you’re reformed, and you can bang all the sluts and get as blacked out as you want without anyone (*Cough, Deadspin, Cough*) hassling you. Because if you actually think Kane is having blockbuster night with his mom every night of the week, just reading books and going to sleep at 10 pm then you’re a moron of the highest order. He’s probably partying his dick off every waking minute. But now the illusion is there, and I for one couldn’t be happier. The less heat on Kane the better. Honestly, this is the smartest thing he could ever do. Yeah it took him a while to get there but I’m happy he’s finally made it. Play pretend to the world and keep living an awesome life drinking every night and fucking every thing in sight. Good Work Kaner. Feel like we’ve grown up here.
Couple weeks ago I said if I could pick any Chicago Athlete to trade places with it would be Toews and everyone thought I was crazy for not picking Kane. But that’s the thing. Patrick Kane trips on a sidewalk and its front page news. People are always going to be up his dick whenever he does anything even remotely questionable. That’s why he now has to live with his mom.