Got a little sand on your perfectly-toned butt? No problem. Just ring that little bell and your loyal butt-washing attendant will be right over … carrying a gleaming silver pail filled with Fiji water just to de-sand your perky cheeks.

Remember when you were growing up and your parents said, you can be anything if you put your mind to it. Well first of all, they should have said, you can be anything if you never drink/smoke/try to have a social life or do anything remotely fun, because honestly, if I never had a sip of alcohol in my life I’m 90% sure I would have cured cancer and walked on the moon. That was my ceiling, and I blew it. Whatever though, that’s besides the point.

The point is I would always answer that I wanted to be a professional athlete. Then when I realized I was just another white guy who couldn’t jump or run fast I changed the answer to a lawyer or a business man. Then when I realized I was just another white guy that hated reading and studying and loved sitting around doing nothing I changed my answer to guy who makes jokes on the internet and writes a daily post called Guess That Ass.

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I guess my point in all this is this. If I had known all along that Victoria Secret butt washer was a real profession I would never have even considered anything else. I would have had a one track mind. Probably wouldn’t have even gone to college. Just spent those 4 years walking around with a bucket of water, splashing people in the butthole, perfecting my skills. Because if there’s one thing I know its that I would have been phenomenal at washing perfect asses, like all time great, transcendent talent, and like the old saying goes, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.