I wrote this blog a year ago. Has anything changed about Shark Week? No. Because people are pussies. So I’m going to keep floating my idea out there every year during Shark Week until someone pays attention.

I love sharks. I actually was into sharks before they got popular but I have to admit, I fucking hate Shark Week. I haven’t always hated shark week but now it seems like all Shark Week is is recycled videos and a bunch of fake hype. Like how many times do I have to see the Jaws Myth Buster Episode or a Great White Shark jump out of a wave, or a Hammerhead eat a foam noodle and have everyone be wowed by its strength. I don’t care how fast a shark swims or how much tons per square inch its bite produces, If I wanted to learn I’d read a book and have zero friends. I want to see sharks do sweet shit. I don’t want to sound jaded or anything but if Shark Week is going to win me back I sort of need some people to die. And I know that sounds like some fucked up Roman Coliseum type of shit, to actually watch people die at the hands of a bunch of ravenous sharks but I don’t care. If I’m being perfectly honest that’s exactly what I need. Its the type of next level shit that is missing in my life.

So here’s my plan to save Shark Week. Remember that game you used to play in 3rd grade called Sharks and Minnows where everyone tried to run from one side of the field to the other without getting tagged by the “sharks”. Well that’s what I need, except instead of a field its a pool and instead of a bunch of 3rd graders its live sharks. I’m talking the works. Hammerheads, Great Whites, Mako’s, Blues, we’ll even throw in those little gay ones that sit on the bottom of the ocean and eat sand all day just so the PC police won’t complain.

5 contestants swim back and forth until only 1 person is left alive. Winner gets 10 million dollars*. Simple and easy. I’m going to call it “The REAL Shark Tank” that way we can hopefully get some sloppy seconds off the ABC Shark Tank show with Mark Cuban. It will kind of be like when Kramer gets all the phone calls for Movie-Fone. Tell me that show wouldn’t knock the socks off of present day Shark Week. Tell me you wouldn’t pay cold hard cash for that show on Pay Per View. I know you would and you know you would. Embrace it. The Real Shark Tank TM is not what this world wants, its what this world needs.

*paid in counterfeit 2 dollar bills