Source - Chances are that if you know who Jasmine Waltz is without having to Google her, then you’re either a fan of “celebrity” sex tapes or you’re way too involved with David Arquette’s private life. But I won’t blame you for the latter, because he is, after all, a former WCW Champion, so he deserves our respect. I assume, though, that you wouldn’t know Waltz from a Megan Fox impersonator at your cousin’s awesome bachelor party, so here’s a rundown of her résumé:

Quick backstory on Jasmine Waltz. She is an aspiring actress and has dated, hooked up with, or has been linked to David Arquette, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, Ryan Seacrest, Jesse McCartney, Doug Reinhardt and Vinny from “The Jersey Shore.” And those are just the easily Google-able guys, there are probably more secret hook-ups.

 

I’m starting to love post-swimming Michael Phelps. When he was doing his thing at the past couple Olympics him and his goofy mug of a face were always talking on TV about his training and how he eats 30,000 calories for breakfast and 400 fucking pancakes a day for lunch and whatever else. Like cool story dude, you can eat a lot. No one cares. Just jump in the fucking pool and smash world records so I can keep parading around in my American flag and telling everyone how awesome we are at being a country.

But once he was done competing he did a total 180. Basically came out and said he hates training, hates swimming, doesn’t want to see water ever again. Started partying with sluts in Vegas. Became a pro poker player even though by all accounts he’s terrible and keeps losing hundreds of thousands of dollars. And now he’s with professional star fucker Jasmine Waltz who will literally bang anything even remotely famous to the point that she hooked up with fucking Vinny from “Jersey Shore”. Clearly just trying to advance her career and Phelps doesn’t care one iota. Just taking anything and everything and living it up like you should when you’re a 27 year old gajillionaire. Rid himself of all PC public relations bullshit and starting fucking chicks and blowing his infinity stacks of money in Vegas. And he’ll probably just keep doing this until he’s dead. Can’t wait until they try to do a puff piece on that when 2016 rolls around.