Kate Upton

Nicole Vogelsong

Amber Zito

Total Number of Votes: 9386

The obvious wild card here is Nicole Vogelsong. Lots of Stoolies love her. Seems like a down home bitch who can make you laugh or chill or fuck your brains out. Rides and dies with Ryan Vogelsong harder than any chick I’ve ever seen in my life. All great attributes.

But as great as she seems when she’s getting champagne cum blasted in the clubhouse and whooping it up in the stands cracking jokes, if you saw her for one minute on The Franchise you know this is an instant kill. Instant. I’m talking head shot from the woods and you walk up and put one more in the brain for good measure. Bitch doesn’t know how to shut up for the life of her. Can’t handle that for the rest of your life, one night, one minute, none of it. Sorry babe, you’re fucking dead.

Which brings us to a repeat of last night’s Zito vs Verlander showdown. Honestly I think the decision’s easy. Kate Upton is my ideal woman and you can’t marry your ideal woman. Can’t wake up one day and see Kate Upton eating a cinnabon at 8:30 in the morning with saggy tits and a double chin laughing about how she never used that stair-master I bought her 4 years ago. Can’t do it. I’d rather take my chances chillaxing with Cali girl and bonafide all-world smokebomber Amber Zito for the rest of my life and when things grow stale with her I’ll lock myself in the bathroom and masturbate to the images ingrained in my brain of the 45 seconds I had fucking Kate or killing Nicole and die a happy man.

Marry - Amber Zito

Fuck – Kate Upton

Kill - Nicole Vogelsong

PS – Last night Big Cat literally tried to convince me he invented “chillax” in 2001. Dead serious he thought he came up with it.