Madison Dude Gets Busted Stealing 75 Chopsticks From Chinese Restaurant Which Raises The Question, Are Chopsticks The Most Useless Thing On The Planet?
Source - A Madison man had no problem with a police request to search him for weapons, because since when are chopsticks considered weapons? But there they were, all 75 of them, stuffed into the right pants leg of the suspect, who was being questioned after reportedly causing a scene at a restaurant near the UW-Madison campus. Michael Arms, 60, no permanent address, was cited for unlawful trespass after allegedly taking the Asian eating utensils from Hong Kong Cafe, 2 S. Mills St., Madison police said in a news release.
“The owner said the suspect was asked numerous times to leave since he was just hanging out and not dining,” said police spokesman Joel DeSpain. “He eventually sat down on the dining room floor in the middle of the restaurant, asking ‘Why are you hating on me?’”
I honestly can’t wrap my head around anything this guy did. Stealing 75 chopsticks is easily the dumbest robbery I’ve ever heard of. I mean right off that bat stealing 75 of them is mathematically retarded. Chopsticks are supposed to be paired so 75 makes zero sense. But secondly, chopsticks are fucking useless. There is no need to use them under any circumstance whatsoever. Eating fried rice with chopsticks is the food equivalent of bashing yourself over the head repeatedly with the Bible to learn about religion. And you know what’s better than stealing 75 chopsticks? Stealing one, single fork. That’s infinitely better and more useful than a billion chopsticks. Choosing chopsticks over a fork to eat your food is like being sober but choosing to fail at fucking a girl with whiskey dick instead of actually fucking her with an erection. It’s blasphemy. You might as well just gather broken branches off a tree and try to eat your food with that because that’s essentially what a chopstick is.