CliftonA naked Garfield man was arrested today after allegedly pointing a gun at a supermarket employee. Clifton police were called to the Pathmark on Ackerman Avenue at around 4 a.m. after the employee reported being threatened. When they arrived, he told him that he was sitting in his car when a naked man approached him and held a gun to his head before saying “I am God.” The employee drove away, and was not injured. According to The Record, police later found 23-year-old Christopher Duran along Ackerman Avenue. He was still naked at the time, though his clothes and a handgun were found nearby. He was charged with aggravated assault, lewdness and weapons possession, and was remanded to the Passaic County Jail.

Hey you’d be pissed off too if you were God Almighty and you found yourself naked at 4 a.m. in the middle of nowhere New Jersey. That sounds fucking awful. All the omnipotence in the world isn’t going to make that situation any better. Best option is to get your hands on a loaded 9 mm as soon as possible and shoot your way out or just end it all in the front seat of your Buick and take the express train back home.

PS – Weird hypothetical question, but say God was on Earth and he did commit suicide. He’d go to Hell right? Or would he forgive himself and go back to Heaven? That’d be kind of hypocritical I think. I need some Christians on this shit asap.

PPS – Infinity percent chance God drives a Buick.