So on Last weekend I went out for a friend’s girlfriend’s birthday party and unbeknownst to me it was the single biggest hipster bar on the face of the earth. I’m talking skinny jeans, jazz music, people in fedoras, specialty drinks from homegrown moonshine, the works. And of course to top off my own hipster hell the place had ZERO screens in the entire bar. Not one single screen. Not a TV, not a jukebox, not an ATM, not even a cash register. A screenless world. Fucking terrible. Well little did I know this screenless hipster shithole would actually work in my favor. Because with no screens I was forced to update the Pacquio/Marquez fight on my phone like some stupid Credit Card commercial where the husband pretends to not be watching the game at dinner while the wife gets pissed at him. And it sucked. Except for the moment the news came across that Pacquio got knocked out and I got to be the guy who instantly announced it to the entire bar. And I realized something, Breaking News, no matter what it is might be the greatest feeling in the entire world.

Ever have a friend break up, or a big trade go down, or a famous celebrity unexpectedly die and you get to tell someone, anyone, the news? Rock Hard. I’m talking sexually aroused.  Greatest simple joy in the world. Just to see on their face the genuine shock at the news. To get that feeling like, I just knew something you didn’t, I’m so much smarter than you. And you know why its even better now than ever before? Because news is NEVER broken by word of mouth anymore.

With Facebook and Twitter and Iphones everyone gets the news instantly. Getting to honestly break news to people is a lost art. And that sucks because breaking News is the best. And I know this sounds fucked up but bad news is secretly even better. I remember over the summer I was at Wrigley on the Saturday when Neil Armstrong died and I told my entire section (like 8 total people but still an entire section). And it was fucking awesome. I was like Dan Rathers or something. Answering where he died and how he died, even got to throw in a few dead Neil Armstrong jokes before anyone else could get to them. Seriously, I get why newscasters are newscasters now. Breaking news is addicting. Its one of life’s simplest pleasures. Honestly, if you told me I could have sex with Ashley Greene for an entire year or be able to walk door to door across America telling people we killed Osama Bin Laden I would take Osama in a second. Just something so primal and awesome about breaking news. Its basically telling a secret to the whole world. I’m honestly getting excited just thinking about it right now, that’s how sweet breaking news is.


I like breaking news so much I often times break fake news just to get that high. Like over Thanksgiving I told my entire family that Jeff Garlin died of a heart attack. Such a good News Breaker. Everyone was so bummed and sad that he died. I’m pretty sure it completely ruined my dad’s day.  Felt fucking incredible.