So this was an article on Red Eye, some guy wishing for a cold winter in Chicago because it makes us “tough” or something. And I’ve actually heard people say this before. That a cold winter means we appreciate the summer more. Fuck That. I don’t need to freeze my dick off to appreciate anything. This sentiment sucks, and people who share it suck even more. Bold mine, italics his.

(Source) A Chicago winter without cold weather and snow is like Betty White at a Ke$ha show: It’s barren, awkward and out of place.

Killer pop culture analogy Bill Simmons. Now we know you’re “Plugged In” to society, thanks.

I miss snow. I walk past megawatt-level holiday light displays every day, and the dull reflection of an LED snowman off a damp patch of brownish-green grass is depressing. No one dreams of a Brownish-Green Christmas. And that’s why I’m rooting for Snowmageddon 2: Gas-Powered Snowblower Boogaloo. Lake effect me. Lake effect me hard.

Listen guy, there are two types of people that love snow. Children and women. Do you know what those two groups of people have in common? They have never picked up a fucking shovel in their LIFE. Seriously, shut the fuck up with the whole, snow is beautiful, its so pretty and majestic. We don’t live in the mountains bro. Snow is cool for approximately 1.5 seconds then it becomes the heavy gray mud I have to move around just so I can get my car out of the alley.

Chicagoans need to hunker down for a couple of months; it’s an essential part of the shared experience. Without a terrible weather to suffer through, we won’t appreciate spring. You know the awesomeness of that first 50-degree day in March? T-shirt and shorts weather! But it won’t matter if it’s 49 degrees all January—you’ll just be another dude or chick showing way too much pale skin.

Spring? In March? So you’ve clearly never actually lived in Chicago for “spring”. There is no such thing as spring in Chicago. It goes, snow and cold, one day of crazy wind, then boom, 90 degrees. We don’t have seasons. Its hot then it gets cold then it gets hot again. You want season go live in Vermont and look at foliage while you sip maple syrup.

And bullshit that I won’t appreciate nice weather. Find me one person who stays in when its nice outside because it didn’t snow that one day in late January. That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. No one says that. No one appreciates awesome days less because it wasn’t cold enough in the winter. Honestly, if that person actually exists he needs to be smashed in the face with an Iron.

Zach Stafford is from Tennessee, so I understand why he loves the idea of 70-degree December days. That’s not the Chicago Way. I bet he’s never built a snow fort, stacked a perfect pyramid of perfectly spherical snowballs and just waited for the precise signal to unleash parabolic arcs of frozen fury on stupid Billy Johnson.

Snowballs! Snow Forts! Billy Johnson! I remember being a kid too. It was pretty sweet. Especially the whole never having to work and getting to spend all my free time playing with snow while my father had a heart attack trying to shovel the driveway thing. I’d love to go back to being a kid. I’d also love to be a pimp from Oakland or a Cowboy from Arizona but its not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, count chocula.

It’s an old Chicago saying, but it’s true: The only thing that keeps Chicago from being an overpopulated mess is our winters. Weeds out the weak, you see? And without 20-inch blizzards, 60-below wind chills and entire weeks with high temps in the single digits … we’d become New York. Do you want that? Hell, no. Welcome the snow. Embrace your heritage. Man and woman up. RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on 720 WGN Radio. @alexquigley

Really? The only thing that keeps Chicago from being overpopulated is the winter? You sure it isn’t the HUNDREDS of murders? You sure it isn’t sales tax of 10.5%? Or the fact that the city is totally bankrupt?

If it was warm in the winter we would not become New York, you know why? Because we’re not snobs that think living in New York City makes us more important than everyone else. New Yorkers are New Yorkers not because of the weather. They’re New Yorkers because they have an inferiority complex and constant FOMO. Just because we don’t constantly say how our city is the best in the world doesn’t mean we don’t think that. Honestly, shut up dude. Snow doesn’t make you tough or hard. It just makes everyone miserable and hate each other.