If You Wear Cargo Shorts/Pants Everyone Around You Thinks You’re A Tremendous Tool
So yesterday I had a post about MJ getting kicked off a golf course for wearing Cargo Shorts and much to my shock and horror there were actually a good amount of people who said Cargo Shorts aren’t that bad and that they wear them all the time. I thought we were better than this stoolies? I thought we were trendsetters, the guy at the party that chicks look at and say “Whoa, look at that funny/fashionable guy with small hands, I want to suck his cock”. Well guess what, that isn’t happening with Cargo shorts. Fact.
Now I’m not saying No one should wear cargo shorts. That would be ridiculous. But regular, self respecting men between the ages of 16 and 40 should never in a million years wear Cargo shorts. Here’s the list of people that can wear cargo shorts and get away with it. Also take everything I say here and multiply it by 1 billion for cargo pants. Cargo pants are fucking psycho.
1. Young Children – 12 and under, totally fine especially considering the fact that their mom is dressing them anyway. Its cargo shorts by default. When I was growing up whatever Old Navy/Gap had was what I was wearing. My mom was on autopilot. If it was on display at one of those two stores it was in my closet.
2. Black Men with 6 NBA Championships – Pretty self explanatory. Unless you’re Michael, Scottie or Robert Horry (minus Scottie and Robert Horry) you shouldn’t be wearing Cargo Shorts.
3. Homeless People – All that change needs to go somewhere. If you’re homeless its not that you can wear cargo pants/shorts its that you should wear cargo pants/shorts. In the homeless world you’re an outsider if you don’t.
4. People in the Military/People who do Safaris for a living/Fisherman – Now this is where regular people get lost on the Cargo short debate. But Big Cat, its functional to have extra pockets. No it isn’t. Unless you’re carrying around Lures or K-Packs or extra bullets for your machine gun you don’t need 8 pockets on your pants. You’re a man. You need to carry your wallet, your keys and your phone. Everything else is an accessory and unnecessary. If you want to wear Cargo Shorts go be weird and hunt Rhinos in Africa.
5. Dennis The Menace or any member of the Littler Rascals – If you’re Dennis the Menace you can wear cargo shorts to keep all your packets of gum/fireworks/slingshots etc in. If you’re not Dennis the Menace, don’t wear cargo shorts.
6. Unattractive Lesbians – Unattractive Lesbians can wear cargo shorts because Unattractive Lesbians can wear whatever they want to wear. I don’t fuck with Unattractive Lesbians. I value my life far too much to do something stupid like that.
7. Fathers who have given up on life – When I was a kid my dad used to wear cargo pants. You know why? Because his life fucking sucked. He had 3 kids always bothering him and hassling him and not letting him live in peace. He did it because he had to carry around things for his dickhead children that couldn’t be responsible enough to carry things for themselves. And you know what, as soon as we all grew up he stopped wearing Cargo Pants. It was like he was openly admitting that the Cargo Pants/Parenting period of his life were his darkest times. He just went into survival mode. Nothing else mattered. I get that.
8. People at airports – This is a tricky one. I would never wear cargo shorts at an airport but I understand why people do. The airport is one of those weird places where there are no rules/norms on what you can and can not wear. Everyone is miserable. Everyone hates each other. Fashion and not looking like an asshole doesn’t count in the confines of the airport. Its sort of like stepping into the Brakus’s Coliseum in Best of the Best 2. No rules. Survival of the fittest.
That’s it. Do you fall under any of these categories? If the answer is yes then go right ahead, wear Cargo Shorts and 8,000 pockets all day everyday, but if you don’t, just realize you’re being judged by everyone in society. And for anyone who is saying, Oh Big Cat, you’re such a fucking snob, how dare you, just realize that yes I am a snob with some things but that’s a good thing. If you can never be a snob that means you’re poor and pathetic and have nothing to be snobby about.
i give up on life, rock the cargos
its pretty questionable to write a huge blog about typical shorts people wear. questionable.
Been saying this for years, no one has gotten laid rockin cargo short since nam…. except MJ.
Tremendous Blog. A+
No one has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since nam.
enjoy your skinny jeans and fanny pack……i’ll stick with cargo shorts
no one has gotten anything wearing cargo shorts…except a loss of respect. A+
what the fuck are they talking about?
If I am playing golf in the summer, everyone wears cargo shorts.
What should I wear, those douchebag tight plaid shorts?
You kids today are so fucking gay with your skinny jeans, and ridiculous graphic t-shirts. Yeah, real tough with a sparkly snakeand chinese writing t-shirt. Do you feel pretty? Or douchebags who just cover themselves in oversized team jerseys. Yeah, you look cool in your Rondo jersey that goes down to your knees.
cargo pants hell no, cargo shorts yes. Great blog nonetheless.
i’m pretty sure its in the constitution that if you see someone wearing cargo shorts paired with socks and sandals, and a chain wallet, you are legally allowed to murder that person
Tornotool if people wear sparkly snake shirts and Chinese graphic tees than those are the only people gayer than you and your cargo shorts.
@tornopen you mad bro? Rondo wasn’t even born yet when you were probably rocking your Cargo Shorts and Mullet in the 80s
What else is there to wear besides cargo shorts? jean shorts? fuck no.
I love cargo shorts, and I’m not taking fashion advice from a fatso who recently posted a pic of his bumpkin shirt about to explode.
fanny packs are the shit, fuck you pawts
Cargos are the shit – In what other article of clothing can you carry 4 beers in complete comfort?
I thought this site was for the common man, by the common man. What about construction workers?
Very insulting.
Was a 12 year old – Cargo shorts
Was a teen – Cargo shorts
Love to Fish – Cargo shorts
Now a Dad – Cargo shorts
And when I’m a dusty, musty 80 year old I’ll wear cargo shorts to carry my drooping balls in. Cargo shorts for days!!!!!!
That all being said – this blog had my howling. Well done Hobbit Hands, well done
This anti cargo shorts crusade is played the fuck out. What’s next big cat, a nickelback sucks blog?
what about camo cargo shorts?
“camo shorts go with anything i wanna weeeeaaaarrrrrr” – wiz
Hilarious post. Lesbians are spot on
Cargo shorts and cargo pants aren’t the same thing. If you can’t wear cargo shorts what the fuck are you supposed to wear in the summertime? Jorts? Or gym shorts? No thanks, I’m not at the gym and I’m not black.
@ tornopen: you sound like a fucking idiot. Golf course is one of the last places you should be wearing cargo shorts unless you golf at some shitty par 3 course that only has 9 holes (which i guess would explain why “everyone” wears them their). And in what world does not wearing cargo shorts mean graphic t shirts. If anything people that wear affliction shirts DO wear cargo shorts. And who the fuck are these oversized jersey people?? Where does this go on and how does it relate to not dressing like a child or a Dad who threw in the towel?
they are goddamn pockets. Jesus.
“Fathers who have given up on life” Isn’t that redundant?
Fat people love cargo pants.
Well I guess I’m a tool for not wanting to wear shorts that are tight and squeeze the shit out of my sack.
I love how you say chicks won’t suck your dick if you wear cargo shorts and then feature a dude wearing cargo shorts with a smoke show wife. You just made the perfect argument for me sticking with my cargo shorts.
if you work a job outside with your hands that requires tools, cargo shorts are a must
animal man, you serious? That’s that cunt who had 8 kids and made a show out of it. She is so far from a smokeshow.
I’m with tornopen on this one. Seriously what else do you wear when its 95 degrees out, regular khaki shorts or worse the $75 plaid Polo shorts because you are going sailing? I don’t know how they do things in Chicago but if I am doing anything in the summer two pockets is not enough. You got the wallet in one, phone in the other. Where do you put your keys, tin of Kodiak, pack of Backwoods, flask? Walking the shit factory of a dog I have need at least 2 plastic bags at all times as well. Is this really what the world is coming to? For gods sake
and I dont care if he is MJ – he has enough money to pay someone to set him up with a pair of pants that fit him
Better than wearing fucking jorts. Cargo shorts are the shit, you can fit so much shit in your pockets and they’re comfortable. Don’t understand why so many people hate them.
@cargo short defenders: you realize the only options aren’t cargo shorts and “sack squeezing shorts”/skinny jeans/basketball shorts, right? They make regular shorts that have pockets for your wallet, phone and keys. They don’t, however, have room for your stupidity.
Cargo shorts fine most places but not a good look on the golf course. Clean it up. Get a pair of proper golf shorts. Also, there are options besides jorts and ballhuggers. You know, regular shorts without the pockets on the side.
Cargo pants are an abomination. Khaki shorts come in many colors, plaid shorts are cool, lax shorts are fine, and long jeans/khakis are all viable alternatives. I don’t get people who cannot imagine wearing anything but Cargo shorts.
Tins go in the back khaki pocket in the summer.
Stunning how many gdi’s there are on barstool. If you wear cargo shorts you are a fucking loser. The northeast really has to catch up with the rest of America
im going to take advice on what shorts to wear from a guy who goes grocery shopping sans cart/basket and just carries all his shit in his arms up and down the isles? i think not.
Cargos are the best when golfing. With amount of golf balls I hit in the woods I need all the pockets I can get.
@aboveaverageage, exactly what I was thinking. Its not cargo shorts or jorts. That’s not the debate.
what a fucking hipster
For ANYTHING not professional dress, cargo shorts are good. Anyone rocking purple starfish shorts (could never quite figure out the fixation with something that was a word for the human asshole) can’t come down any clothing, let alone cargo shorts.
everytime i go to 6 flags i rock my cargo shorts, once a year but having those buttons for my valuables on roller coasters is a must
the only pair of shorts i wear are my cargo shorts, and i own plenty of other pairs of shorts…so fuck you
What do you mean what else would you wear? Wear cargo shorts without the fucking cargo pockets you retards aka regular khaki or dark shorts. Very simple.
Frayed jorts are legit.
have fun in your jorts big cat.
nobody has gotten a bj in cargo shorts since nam
Hey guys, They make shorts other than cargo and Jorts
@urlacherchi Oh shit, true. I couldn’t see her face with the huge sunglasses and let’s be honest, all I did was stare at her tits.
if any of you really think cargo shorts are bad fashion, chances are pretty good, you like to suck a dick (not that there is anything wrong with that, free country).
Wearing cargo shorts/pants to take the kids hiking or make a Costco run (yes, that’s what married fathers do, we go to Costco), or sit around the soccer field with other parents is cool. Wearing cargo pants to your niece’s baptism or friend’s wedding is white thrash.
And before you all shit on the married fathers who are sitting in their little white collar cubicle jobs, go fuck yourself.
What do you think your college degree in MIS/CS leads you to? Stable job to support a family. Bar hopping with friends get real old once you hit 30. Frat boys don’t live forever.
What do you think all your little titty princess girlfriends want? They want to carry your babies and sit around and watch Homeland & Dexter with you on Sunday nights.
I am sure Big Cat and his boys are so cool rolling around chasing Chicago heffers sucking dick in a cubs jersey.
Surprised there were no “No ones gotten a hand job in cargos since nam” quote. Also cargo shorts are equivalent to the zip pants that can be shorts or pants
Tornopen you just said there’s nothing wrong with sucking dick and you wear cargo shorts. You’re a fag.
Falcon Boy – not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not but I said that as one of the first comments.
@pj18 — i just don’t want to come off as some homophobic asshole.
Tornopen, big cat specifically said fathers should wear cargo shorts. Settle down cheech, now one judges you, we know your life sucks
ass in pic #4 made it move, hope that’s a woman
pj18 — probably wears skinny jeans to the beach, and shops at vintage clothing stores, wool sweaters and some ironic hipster douchebag shirt.
Considering Big Cat dresses like Turtle from Entourage (except with cheap walmart knockoffs)…. his opinion on this is shit.
As soon as you start giving a fuck about what other men are wearing, you might as well shoot yourself or embrace your gayness.
Reading these comments made me realize how out of touch with reality so many people are. I wear cargo shorts because what else can I wear, skinny jeans or jean shorts? Chinese graphic ts? I wear cargo shorts when I golf what else should I wear?
Who fucking wears cargo shorts golfing? Have you idiots never heard of khaki shorts? You don’t need to wear skinny shorts or cargos, they are pretty standard and normal. Wearing cargos right now is the same as the people from 10 years ago still wearing long jean shorts. It has past.
Here’s a look I bet a lot of you pull off: polo shirt, cargo shorts, and birkenstocks or doc martens, right?
Obviously a polarizing issue for the stoolies. We need a vote
Fratholic you need to take a gun and blow your head off. You’d be doing our country a great honor
Claiming the northeast is behind on anything besides college football is the most delusion statement ever written on the stool
I rock the cargo shorts at least once a week living in Arizona and I really don’t give a shit who thinks I’m a tool. Comfortable, practical and the 100% opposite of those metrosexual skinny jeans gay guys wear. Only guys like above_the_clouds would take up rating guys… not hot chicks, but GUYS.. on what they wear. Dude is as queer as a football bat. Relax there Joan Rivers, I have regular shorts too. Go back to your recorded season 1 of Project Runway and stop worrying about what actual men are doing.
I just played Pebble Beach and The Wynn in Vegas…nobody was wearing cargo shorts…they’re actually not even allowed
cargo shorts are allowed when golfing. you can hold all your extra balls (that you will inevitably need after you shank yours into the woods) tees and ball markers while still hanging onto your phone, keys, and wallet comfortably.
Fact: over the pants hand jobs are about as far as one can go wearing cargos. If anyone achieves anything more they’re hookin up with grade A dirt legs.
If you need to hold extra balls in cargo shorts while golfing then you need to quit golf. Keep extra balls in the bag and one extra in your pocket. Phone, tin and wallet can go in the bag too, so that logic is completely flawed. If you wear cargo shorts to golf, you automatically suck at golf and life.
If your trying to impress, cant wear the cargo shorts, gotta clean that shit up. If youre just pounding some beers, and not trying to look good (like if your not at a bar or something), cargo shorts are the way to go. Comfortable as hell and ultimate capacity for holding beers. Can’t go wrong there
Big Cat giving fashion advice is like Neil giving you MMA training tips.
HEY! QUIT TAKING THE HANDJOB LINE FROM SUPERBAD. YOU AREN’T ORIGINAL OR FUNNY.
Cargo shorts are for peasants
what other kind of shorts are out there? seriously. i usually wear a bathing suit all summer or cargos. im confused.
All of you people defending cargo shorts are a bunch of mouth-breathing retards. Do you have any idea how fucking moronic you look wearing them? What does anybody actually need gigantic pockets on the sides of your shorts for? Are you keeping your pet lizard in there? Or is it your can of axe body spray? I never thought I’d read so many comments from people showcasing such stupidity, “what other kinds of shorts are there?” I don’t know, how about 90% of the shorts they make, you know, the ones without the stupid looking pockets on them. Whatever, I guess its hard for me to understand the appeal of cargo shorts, I didn’t go to public school.
Clubber doesn’t strike me as the type to ever wear cargo shorts
I’ve been to Chicago several times…I’ll get my fashion advice elsewhere.
The guys who wear cargo shorts ARE the same guys wearing those sparkly affliction t-shirts.
Preach Melvin, preach. Fuck cargo shorts and public schools.
People arguing that the only alternative to cargo shorts are jorts or skinny jeans befuddles me. Anything wrong with regular khaki shorts? of various colors? like with normal pockets and not the extra pockets on the outer legs? I haven’t had cargo shorts since I was 10 and won’t go back because they make more male clothes than just “cargo shorts, jorts, and skinny jeans.”
actual golf courses dont allow cargos. and those who say carry extra balls etc. you have a bag for a reason. why do you want shit shifting around mid thigh in your golf swing. that said running errands in summer cargos/ khakis/ ball shorts; clean is all that matters
@melvinbratton — how moronic do you look with those plaid gay ass fucking shorts?
As a man you need somewhere to put your tin
Yeah Tornopen since you’re a fag and wear cargo shorts because apparently no other shorts exist other than jorts that means I wear skinny jeans to the beach. Good one.
@fratoholic.. first off kill yourself for calling yourself a “Frat-o-Holic” and second off you and your homosexual pastel shorts and boat shoes can suck a cock
Must be some northeast closet homo thing to not wear cargo shorts. As the man in Arizona and California stated, they are year round in certain areas. Florida they are everywhere.
And yes, we have “real” golf courses down here.
Do the extra pockets really bother your metrosexual selves that much? Fucking laughable bunch of women on here.
I believe that the regular style of shorts is known as Bermuda. They can of course be khaki or plaid or ball-hugging or loose fitting. Whatever way you go, cargos and jorts are a no-no for post-college non-rednecks. Let’s hear it for Bermuda shorts!
“I DIDN’T GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL” is the funniest comment I’ve read on here.
Guys legitimately commenting on another guy’s wardrobe is really really strange.
these comments have made me lose a lot of respect for the stoolies. you just can’t rock cargo shorts, cannot do it. and this dad, tornopen, talking about how it’s gay to go hit bars with your boys in khakis and trying to slay smokes, what the fuck? that’s what we call “the dream.” kids and a wife = cargo nightmare. smokes and booze= khaki dream.
Cargo shorts are for poor GDIs plain and simple
leave the cargos off the golf course
these bitches would see past the cargos http://womenofnoshavenovember.tumblr.com/