So yesterday I had a post about MJ getting kicked off a golf course for wearing Cargo Shorts and much to my shock and horror there were actually a good amount of people who said Cargo Shorts aren’t that bad and that they wear them all the time. I thought we were better than this stoolies? I thought we were trendsetters, the guy at the party that chicks look at and say “Whoa, look at that funny/fashionable guy with small hands, I want to suck his cock”. Well guess what, that isn’t happening with Cargo shorts. Fact.
Now I’m not saying No one should wear cargo shorts. That would be ridiculous. But regular, self respecting men between the ages of 16 and 40 should never in a million years wear Cargo shorts. Here’s the list of people that can wear cargo shorts and get away with it. Also take everything I say here and multiply it by 1 billion for cargo pants. Cargo pants are fucking psycho.
1. Young Children – 12 and under, totally fine especially considering the fact that their mom is dressing them anyway. Its cargo shorts by default. When I was growing up whatever Old Navy/Gap had was what I was wearing. My mom was on autopilot. If it was on display at one of those two stores it was in my closet.
2. Black Men with 6 NBA Championships – Pretty self explanatory. Unless you’re Michael, Scottie or Robert Horry (minus Scottie and Robert Horry) you shouldn’t be wearing Cargo Shorts.
3. Homeless People – All that change needs to go somewhere. If you’re homeless its not that you can wear cargo pants/shorts its that you should wear cargo pants/shorts. In the homeless world you’re an outsider if you don’t.
4. People in the Military/People who do Safaris for a living/Fisherman – Now this is where regular people get lost on the Cargo short debate. But Big Cat, its functional to have extra pockets. No it isn’t. Unless you’re carrying around Lures or K-Packs or extra bullets for your machine gun you don’t need 8 pockets on your pants. You’re a man. You need to carry your wallet, your keys and your phone. Everything else is an accessory and unnecessary. If you want to wear Cargo Shorts go be weird and hunt Rhinos in Africa.
5. Dennis The Menace or any member of the Littler Rascals – If you’re Dennis the Menace you can wear cargo shorts to keep all your packets of gum/fireworks/slingshots etc in. If you’re not Dennis the Menace, don’t wear cargo shorts.
6. Unattractive Lesbians – Unattractive Lesbians can wear cargo shorts because Unattractive Lesbians can wear whatever they want to wear. I don’t fuck with Unattractive Lesbians. I value my life far too much to do something stupid like that.
7. Fathers who have given up on life – When I was a kid my dad used to wear cargo pants. You know why? Because his life fucking sucked. He had 3 kids always bothering him and hassling him and not letting him live in peace. He did it because he had to carry around things for his dickhead children that couldn’t be responsible enough to carry things for themselves. And you know what, as soon as we all grew up he stopped wearing Cargo Pants. It was like he was openly admitting that the Cargo Pants/Parenting period of his life were his darkest times. He just went into survival mode. Nothing else mattered. I get that.
8. People at airports – This is a tricky one. I would never wear cargo shorts at an airport but I understand why people do. The airport is one of those weird places where there are no rules/norms on what you can and can not wear. Everyone is miserable. Everyone hates each other. Fashion and not looking like an asshole doesn’t count in the confines of the airport. Its sort of like stepping into the Brakus’s Coliseum in Best of the Best 2. No rules. Survival of the fittest.
That’s it. Do you fall under any of these categories? If the answer is yes then go right ahead, wear Cargo Shorts and 8,000 pockets all day everyday, but if you don’t, just realize you’re being judged by everyone in society. And for anyone who is saying, Oh Big Cat, you’re such a fucking snob, how dare you, just realize that yes I am a snob with some things but that’s a good thing. If you can never be a snob that means you’re poor and pathetic and have nothing to be snobby about.