So on yesterday’s GTA I made a comment about how Miranda Kerr doesn’t use a case for her IPhone and how that turned me on because I do the same thing. Well much to my surprise people actually thought that was crazy. And I’m not going to lie, I expected far more out of the Stoolies. I expect women and old people to do this but men from 18-35 should never under any circumstance use a case on their phone.

You think Steve Jobs made the Iphone for someone to put a case on it? You think I want to cover up that cool chrome/metallic look? You think I want to hide the reflective apple? You think I want everyone to think I own a nokia or a samsung like some gross poor person? Fuck no. I need to feel my phone. Skin on metal. When I drop my phone I want it to hurt. That split second when your phone slips out of your hand and you know there is nothing you can do about it? That’s the most exhilarating moment in my life. Its like putting a bet down on the roulette wheel waiting for the ball to drop. Pure, unadulterated,  Adrenaline. Why would I give that up? If you had a choice to use a condom or not would you wrap up? What about if someone offered you a fork to eat a slice of pizza? Would you take it? Fuck no. Putting a case on your phone is subtraction by addition.

And I know people are going to say this is me being a hardo. That its the same line of thinking as not using a shopping cart, or being awesome at crossfit, but its not. This is about being a man and taking care of your possessions. About having consequences when you fuck up. You think its a coincidence that every single girl on planet earth uses a cell phone case? Its chick mentality. Whoops my phone slipped. Oh my god I dropped my phone, how silly! I left my phone in a cab for the 2,382th time last night LOL. Fuck that. My phone and I have an intimate relationship. You know that kid in college who was clearly fed everything on a silver spoon growing up? Scared of minorities. No life experience. Never changed a flat tire. Soft baby hands. That’s what a phone that’s been in a case is like. Just a soft bitch. The world is a shitty place. Life sucks. Why have your phone think any different?

So go ahead and put a case on your phone, just know I’m judging you as a person. You’re weak and irresponsible. And that’s not just me talking, that’s the whole world.

PS
Barstool Cell phone case poll is as follows.

Cell Phone Case aka “The Big Vaginas”

-Mo

-Neil

-KFC

No Cell Phone Case aka “The Real Men” aka “The Bad 2 The Bone Crew”

-Pres

-Big Cat

-Feitelberg

-Kmarko

Vote 1 for “I’m a pussy and need to put a case on my phone” and 10 for “I would never use a case and would like to formally submit an application for membership in the exclusive Bad 2 The Bone Crew”

1 Stars2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (1,865 votes, average: 5.32 out of 10)
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