You sly motherfucker, bending over so we can’t tell how tall you are.

So last night someone asked me when the last time I saw Adam Schefter standing up on ESPN was. Weird question. Until I realized that I don’t think I have ever seen Adam Schefter stand up on television. The guy is ALWAYS sitting. And you know what, It didn’t bother me until now. But now it bothers me, a lot. How tall is Adam Schefter? Is he secretly a midge? Does Adam Schefter get to park in handicap parking spaces because his legs are so short that its technically a disabilty? Does he live in a tree and bake delicious cookies all day? These are the questions I now have and I need answers.

Now before everyone says, just check google idiot, Google says he’s 5’6”, don’t waste your time, blah blah blah. Let me explain the psychology of a man’s height.

Group 1 – 5 Feet and under – These people are actually dwarves, or midgets, or small people, or whatever the acceptable politically correct term is these days. I don’t make fun of these people because I’m not ruling out that some of them are actual wizards (obviously a joke)

Group 2 – 5’0”-5’3” - These guys have it the worst. Almost every girl is taller than them. They aren’t dwarves so they don’t get dwarf perks but they’re still really really short. Either they wrestled in high school in the 115 lb division or their life completely sucked.

Group 3 – 5’4”-5’5” – This is the dangerous group. This is where the Napoleon complex comes from. These are the guys that are short but in their mind think they aren’t that short because they compare themselves to Group 1 and 2. These are the people that consistently LIE about their height (for those of you who aren’t so quick on the uptake, this is what we call in the biz, foreshadowing).

Group 4 – 5’6”-5’8” – Your short friend. Everyone has their one or two short friends. Cool guy. Never a threat when it comes to sports or girls because he’s the short friend. Nothing wrong with this guy. Just shorter, weaker, and probably dumber than you.

Group 5 – 5’9”-6’5” – Normal people. Height is never really mentioned in this group unless you’re on one end of the spectrum or the other, and even then its not that big of a deal. If you fall in this category you have probably never thought about your height in a good or bad way. Its just a thing.

Group 6 – 6’6” and up – The freakishly tall people. If you fall in this group people notice your height. Whether you want to admit it or not, its true. To be successful in this group you need to either be a phenomenal athlete (preferably basketball) or have an enormous penis. If you lack both of those things and you are over 6’6” your life probably sucks.

So now that we have that cleared up, on to Schefter and whether or not he is a midget.

Exhibit A – Schefter vs Tour Bus

I did some research and on average tour bus tires are 42 inches or 3 ft 6 inches tall. So that leaves us from Schefter’s upper tricep (bro do you even lift?) to his head. I measured that same distance on myself (I’m 6′ 2.5”, nbd) and that distance is 18 inches. So giving Schefter the benefit of the doubt and saying he is also 18 inches from tricep to top of his head that would mean he is roughly 5’0”-5’2”. Mad short.

Exhibit B – Schefter vs Ray Rice

2 things here. Ray Rice says he’s 5’8”, which I don’t believe. Obviously its better for Ray Rice to say he’s slightly taller than he is. Back in college recruiting that could have been the difference between a scholarship to a big conference and playing in the MAC. So I’m saying Ray Rice is actually 5’6”. So that means Schefter is also 5’6”, case closed right? WRONG. Have you ever seen someone so blatantly stand on his toes more than Schefter is right here? You can literally see him working for every last inch. Which also means that Schefter is CLEARLY extremely self conscious about his height. And what do self conscious people do when they’re being self conscious? They Lie. See me and my weight for example. So this picture proves that Schefter is under 5’6” and that he’s a LIAR.

Exhibit C – Schefter vs regular guy while Schefter stands on a stack of phone books.

Adam Schefter could say, “this is me doing an interview on a stack of phone books” and it wouldn’t be more clear that he is standing on a stack of phone books. Nice try bro. I may be dumb but I’m not stupid.

So in conclusion, Adam Schefter is 5’4”, tops. That’s really fucking short and would explain why he never stands up for anything, is always tweeting self righteous stuff, and wears dark suits to deflect his midgetness. And the thing is, I actually don’t hate Schefter. That’s pres’s thing. But at least be honest about your height bro. Lying to google is not a good look. Just makes you look silly and insecure, which is actually somewhat redundant when talking about a Michigan grad.

Was this the most in depth investigation ever done on the Stool? Feel like I should win an Emmy for this one. At least get nominated.