Honestly I don’t know if this is a strength or weakness but I am now ready to admit that I am HORRIBLE at answering hypotheticals on the fly. The questions this week were, if you had to marry one pornstar who would it be and if you had to sex with a fruit which fruit would you pick. And my answers were AWFUL. Puma Swede? Having sex with Oranges? What the fuck is that Big Cat? Who says shit like that? I legitimately am concerned for myself. And this isn’t just me trying to come up with a crazy answer, its the opposite, about a month ago we shifted to no longer hearing the voicemails ahead of time, so this is basically word association, whatever pops in my head, stream of consciousness. And the results have been nothing short of horrifying.
Sex with Oranges and old pornstars is some deep seeded fucked up shit. Like way down inside there. Parts of my brain I didn’t know existed. Years of therapy couldn’t fix that. Even last week I said if I could have my wife be any profession in the world it would be a Limo Driver. A Limo Driver. Like my wife would wear one of those silly hats and stand with the sign at the airport. What the hell is that all about? If I followed through with my answers I would be married to a 40 year old former pornstar, and while she was doing airport runs in her limo I would be at home putting my penis into citrus fruit and playing with my toy trains. Come on Big Cat, you have to be better than this bro. You just have to.
I did nail that retarded baby hypothetical though. The answer is clear and if you disagree you’re just lying to yourself.
*Just went back and re-read this whole post to gauge where I’m at in life. My reaction…