Gawker - Let’s set the scene: It’s Monday, January 21, and an unnamed North Fort Myers resident is lying in bed relaxing after a hard day’s work. Just after 7 p.m., he hears a noise coming from his roof — he thinks it sounds like thunder. He goes outside to investigate the disturbance, when he sees 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni running on his house. Bruni leaps from the roof, tackling the man. Bruni is naked.

From there, Bruni runs into the house, hellbent on destruction. He sees a “large television” minding its own business and knocks it off its stand. He then spies a vacuum cleaner. How do you terrorize a vacuum cleaner? You don’t — you just empty its contents back onto the floor. That’s what Bruni does. From there, things finally start to get weird:

Bruni then headed toward the couple’s son’s bedroom, where several guns were stored, so the man’s wife fired three warning shots from a .38 revolver. The arrest report says Bruni fell to the floor – but then began pleasuring himself. He got up off the floor, ran into the son’s bedroom and began rubbing clothing on his face.


Definitely feel for the homeowner here. Nothing worse than trying to relax after a hard day’s work and getting interrupted with more chores and responsibility. All you wanna do is sit down in front of the TV, unbutton your pants, scratch your balls some and zone out and re-claim your sanity. Then boom, there’s the wife nagging you to take out the garbage. Your son whines begging you to fix his computer. A naked hallucinating lunatic jumps off your roof and spears you in the ribs, smashes your flat screen, empties the vacuum cleaner everywhere and jacks off all over your son’s carpet. Great now you have to clean that up. Oh and don’t forget the dog needs to go for a walk and the garage door isn’t closing right again. Seriously it never ends. It’s like Newman with the mail. A modern man just can’t catch a fucking break these days.

PS – Real blown chance for the wife to play hero and shoot the guy who was masturbating in her son’s room in the face. I mean I’m all in favor for death as a last resort but there’s times when justice can wait. Like when a drug addict madman is trying to bust a nut in your kid’s room for example.