Soccernet – Fans of two-time defending Russian champion Zenit St. Petersburg are calling for non-white and gay players to be excluded from the team. Landscrona, the largest Zenit fan club, released a manifesto Monday demanding the club field an all-white, heterosexual team. It added that “dark-skinned players are all but forced down Zenit’s throat now, which only brings out a negative reaction” and said gay players were “unworthy of our great city.” Zenit were the only topflight Russian team never to have signed a minority until this summer, when they acquired Brazilian striker Hulk and Belgian midfielder Axel Witsel for 80 million euros ($105 million). French midfielder Yann M’Vila declined a move to the club in August after receiving death threats. The fan club insisted that “we are not racists and for us the absence of black Zenit players is just an important tradition that underlines the team’s identity and nothing more.”

Hey not trying to rain on the racism parade of the Zenit St. Petersburg fans but have you guys taken a peek at the sports world in America in the past, oh I don’t know, 65 years or so? Non-white athletes are fucking AWESOME. Seriously they dominate at pretty much everything so long as they don’t have to strap on a pair of ice skates. And I’m pretty sure the only reason they don’t crush in hockey around these parts is because there’s about 17 minorities total across the entire northern United States and Canada combined. I’m sure if there were more the puck wouldn’t be the only black thing on the ice when you watch the NHL.

And not for nothing but it isn’t exactly accurate to say “dark-skinned players are all but forced down Zenit’s throat now”. Um, you’ve signed two guys to your entire team that aren’t white. Two. And one of them is a Brazilian guy whose fucking name is “Hulk”. I’m no soccer expert but you might want to give that guy a fair shake before throwing on your KKK hoodies and chasing him out of town with pitchforks and tridents and shit. Maybe wait until he drops 5 goals and decapitates 2 defenders on Dynamo Moscow in the biggest game of the year before deciding you hate him so much. I bet you’ll be buying Hulk jerseys and old Eric B. & Rakim cassettes by Christmas.

Thanks Stephen for the tip