San Antonio, Texas (Source) – Sheila Eubank, a 48-year-old San Antonio woman was jailed Wednesday after she pretended to have been kidnapped to get a day off from work and a little attention. According to San Antonio police, on October 10th, an officer reportedly found Eubanks laying motionless in her vehicle, bound with a rope. Eubanks allegedly told the officer that she had been kidnapped by an anonymous knife-wielding man, who jumped into her car and forced her to drive to an ATM machine to withdraw her money. The man then forced her to drive him around for 12 hours while he conducted alleged drug deals.

Investigators say detectives found inconsistencies with Eubank’s story, especially when they found a lottery ticket in her purse that had been purchased at around the same time she was being held by a kidnapper, according to her story. Detectives checked surveillance video from the store that sold the lottery ticket and saw Eubanks purchasing a lottery ticket by herself. She was seen in the video being polite and calm.  She did not appear to be distressed or anxious, according to police. Confronted with the evidence police had, Eubanks admitted to making up the entire kidnapping story.  She stated that she made up the story in order to get a day off work and a little attention. Eubank was booked into the Bexar County Jail and charged with aggravated perjury. Her bond was set at $10,000.

First of all Sheila looks like someone. Its fucking killing me. All I’ve got is some weird cross between a cabbage patch kid, the chick cop from Beverly Hills Cop, and the weird stalker chick from Flight of The Conchords.

Secondly, I don’t think I’ve ever sympathized with a “Does This Look Like The Face Of” Person as much as I sympathize with Sheila Eubank. Hates work, gambling addiction that fucks up her fake kidnapping, everything about her. Honestly, show me a cubicle monkey that hasn’t dreamed of hatching up some crazy plan to miss work and I’ll show you an overachieving cocksucker. Fake sickness. Fake flat tire. Fake cable guy. You name it and I’ve done it. Ive tried to get hit by cars. Ive fake slipped on ice. Done the old CTA emergency. The whole nine. So to punish Sheila Eubank for something like this seems pretty silly. Any real person trapped in a cage for the rest of their life knows that its not a matter of if you’re one day going to fake your own kidnapping to get out of work its a matter of when.


Wisconsin stoolies may be the only people who remember this but whatever happened to Audrey Seeler? Feel like that chick was maybe going to be hot, even though she was psycho beyond belief.

Double PS

If you don’t think I’m telling pres that Pulaski Day is the holiest day of the year for Chicago you are outside of your mind.