Chicago TribuneIt wasn’t hard for authorities to track down a North Side man accused of trying to rob one fast food restaurant and actually holding up another one on Broadway this week after they found his gym bag with his identification inside, police said. Patrick Huston is charged with aggravated robbery of a Quiznos in the 3900 block of North Broadway and attempted aggravated robbery of a Subway restaurant in the 3800 block of North Broadway, police said. About 6:40 p.m. Tuesday, Huston entered the Subway and told a sandwich maker he had a gun, then reached into his jacket and said: “Give me all the money,’’ according to a police report.

The staffer could not open the register without a making a sale, so she went to retrieve another staffer and Huston left on foot from the eatery without taking any money. About an hour later, a man fitting Huston’s description entered the Quiznos and said: “I have a gun’’ and ordered a staffer to open the register. Huston took $250 and fled northbound on Clarendon, the report said. Video surveillance caught him fleeing the scene carrying a blue duffel bag, and officers looking for him found the bag in the 700 block of West Irving Park Road with medication, clothing and Huston’s name and address, according to the report. He was arrested outside a motel in the 6100 block of North Jersey Avenue after his parents told police that’s where he was.

Gotta love Patrick Huston going around trying to jack up fast food restaurants with a gym bag slung across his shoulder. Hey good diversion bro that’ll totally throw them off the scent of your chin fat. And see, this is why fat people will never be good at anything. Never trusting their instinct but always trusting their gut, if that makes any sense. I mean every burglar and robber in the world would’ve thought “”Hey I just tried to jack a Subway and they can’t even open the fucking register without me buying something, maybe I’ll abandon that whole approach.” But not Patrick Huston. Dude walks right out the door, smells that prime rib and peppercorn across the street gets back on the horse and tries again like nothing ever happened. Just straight up had his brain scrambled. That’s the curse of the fat man.

PS – Some parents huh?