Source - A man faces multiple charges after police said he broke into Metro Fire House on Jefferson Street while intoxicated and masturbated on gear. According to the arrest report, 27-year-old Nicholas Gonzales shattered one of the bay window doors on the building, broke in, pulled gear out of lockers in a storage room and was found masturbating on the gear. Police said he was under the influence of alcohol and when asked why he broke in, he stated, “Because I wanted to.” Damage to the bay window door is estimated at $1,000. Gonzales is charged with burglary, public intoxication and criminal mischief.


I always love hearing all the people that scoff at stories like this. The uptight squares who think some bro getting drunk off his ass and breaking into a fire station and masturbating on everything in sight is the definition of rock bottom for a human being. What a bunch of miserable losers. Seriously I hope you guys enjoy your predictable, boring march towards death with your cozy, sober lives. Just know that while you’re at home watching daytime soaps and eating up microwave dinners like a bunch of sad suckers guys like Nicholas Gonzales will be out living the dream getting shitfaced and cumming all over fire equipment just for the fuck of it. It’s like that old hypothetical question, Would you rather live 80 boring years or 40 exciting ones? Well I’ll tell you what, I don’t know how long Nicholas Gonzales is going to live, but I’ll take a felony B&E and seeding my jizz all over federally owned property every time over a stale existence, doesn’t matter how long I’m around.