Chicago Tribune - After officers arrested Jerry Warren Jr. on suspicion of committing a Wicker Park robbery Saturday, the soon-to-be-22-year-old said he only wanted some birthday money, authorities said today. His plan didn’t work. Warren, who police say netted a whopping $4 in the robbery, was ordered held Sunday on $125,000 bond. He will have to post $12,500–3,125 times more than he’s accused of stealing–to leave jail. Warren, of the 2700 block of West Maypole Avenue, is suspected of robbing a 29-year-old woman Saturday in the 1800 block of West Ellen Street about 8 p.m. Saturday. After demanding money and being told that she had none, Warren made off with $4, according to a police report.

As the 21-year-old was placed in custody, Warren told officers he had been unsuccessful finding a job and just wanted some money before his Dec. 19 birthday, according to a report. ”I just wanted money for my birthday!” Warren told officers, according to a report. “I’m looking for work and can’t find any! Please! I don’t want to go to jail for $4!”

I’m not gonna hate on this guy one bit. After like the age of 12 the only birthday gift I ever wanted was money. Everything else is just your old relatives guessing what it is you like and failing miserably. I remember one year my Aunt Linda tried to surprise me with something cool around the time I was entering high school and she got me a Goldberg backpack. Not Goldberg as in a brand, Goldberg as in Bill Goldberg, the bald 50 year old wrestler who looks like he has a methadone addiction. Hey sweet gift Auntie Linda, too bad I’m 15 fucking years old. I’m having enough trouble as it is getting girls to touch my dick with my smoking hot Forest Green LL Bean with my initials on the back. I’m sure this black backpack with a hologramed picture of Bill fucking Goldberg is gonna help out a ton. Excuse me for a moment while I go upstairs to set this on fire and check ancestry.com right quick in the hopes that we’re not actually related.

So yeah I get where Jerry Warren’s coming from. Dude’s probably got some awful gifts recently and he just wants to commit petty robbery for a couple weeks until his birthday comes around on the 19th and he can ball out. Nothing wrong with that. Chances are he’s gonna have to step up his game and pistol whip some motherfuckers right after that so he can stock up for Christmas but whatever, just cross that bridge when you get to it.

PS – If someone has a pic of a Goldberg backpack hit up the tips inbox and I’ll send you a picture of Whitesox Dave passed out on a couch with birthday cake smeared all over his face. Searching high and low and can’t find one.