SourceA 76-year-old Oak Forest man arrested this week for masturbating on a CTA Orange Line train. William Papagianis was charged with aggravated criminal sexual abuse, a felony, and a misdemeanor count of public indecency stemming from both incidents, court records show. As prosecutors detailed the charges against him, Papagianis interrupted several times with shouts of “Lies!” Later, he told Judge Donald Panarese that he used to own several restaurants and was good friends with George Halas, the Chicago Bears’ late owner. “He and the Bears used to eat at my restaurants,” Papagianis said in a thick Greek accent. “I don’t know nothing about  it,” Papagianis said as Zahr detailed his background. “That’s a lie. Thank you.”

 

Listen when you’re 76 years old there’s literally nothing left to do. All your recreational options have been whittled down to board games, daytime TV, trying to get stiff enough to crank, or dying. If those are the only options you got left in the tank I’d say jerking off and dropping dead are neck and neck as the only plausible routes to go down. So if this dude wants to churn butter on the orange line let him have at it. Chances are his heart will explode through his chest when he pops and he’ll die anyway so you might as well let him have his fun.

PS – Love how he name dropped George Halas in court as a sign he’s innocent. No offense bro but you’re dating yourself by a couple decades.