SourceA Woodford County man tried to hold up a local pizza place Thursday, but failed because police say he was too drunk. Wearing a ski mask and sunglasses, police say 25-year-old Ryan Hopkins stumbled into the Little Caesar’s on the bypass in Versailles with the intent to steal. An employee told LEX 18 the man walked in before the restaurant had opened smelling of alcohol, and appeared extremely intoxicated. The employee said Hopkins said, “this is a hold up,” while badly slurring his speech. The employee asked him to leave the premises, and Hopkins walked out. Hopkins was later picked up by police, and charged with public intoxication. Police say he will not be charged with attempted robbery because he didn’t actually have a weapon.

 

Ah the old “Trying to rob a Little Caesar’s but you’re too shitfaced to pull it off” gimmick. Maybe the most classic catch-22 out there since being out of your mind intoxicated is probably the only reason anybody would ever walk into a Little Caesar’s in the first place. Although I’m pretty sure it isn’t illegal to say “This is a hold up” when you’re shithammered, don’t even have a weapon and you politely walk out. Actually seems like kind of a nice way to go about attempted robbery that keeps you in the clear legally. At the very least it’s about as equal a crime as eating that terrible fucking pizza sober.

PS – Watching a drunk dude fail miserably at robbing a shitty pizza chain with a ski mask and a pair of sunglasses just rocketed to the top of my bucket list.