I can’t do it. I’ve sat on my hands long enough. In the words of Clayton Bigsby, if you have hate in your heart, let it out. Well guess what, I have a lot of hate in my heart and 99.9% of it is directed squarely at Darren Rovell. If you don’t know who that is then consider yourself lucky. You live an ignorant beautiful life, candies and gumdrops. You have no idea that there is a guy on ESPN/Twitter that is the worst type of person on the face of the earth. I wake up in the morning and the only thing on my mind is Rovell. He’s my Newman. He’s the the type of guy who thinks he’s better than everyone else. The friend of a friend you meet at the bar who tells you how much he makes within the first 5 minutes. The guy who name drops, “casually” lets you know he went to an Ivy League school and is always talking about some awesome trip or expensive meal he had. Barstool is the common man and Darren Rovell is the exact opposite. He needs to be stopped. He is everything that is wrong with the world.

So why is he terrible? Oh I don’t know, how about everything.

Like his “jokes”. Rick Reilly knows when he’s making corny dad jokes, he knows when he’s being an asshole. But not Rovell, Darren literally thinks he’s dropping LOL bombs on everyone’s face.

Or his humblebrags.

Oh really Darren, you had to tell us that the starter jacket you had when you were 10 years old still fits? Cool man. You know what clothing of mine still fits from when I was 10? Absolutely nothing. Because just like every normal person in the world I’ve slowly gotten fatter and fatter and grosser and grosser. Get fucked dude.

Oh but wait, if you thought the jacket was a humblebrag you were so so wrong. Because Darren Rovell complains about the hottest woman in the world stalking him. LOL Darren, LOL.

You know what my tweet would have been if I had taken a picture with Kate Upton? “Just met Kate Upton, literally jizzed on myself, probably going to get arrested”.

Or the fact that he created a twitter account for his ONE YEAR OLD daughter and uses it for even more shitty jokes. Let that sink in for a second. A twitter account for a ONE YEAR OLD. That is quite literally the douchiest move a person could pull. Unreal.

Or when he tells you that the Playboy Super Bowl party isn’t that good, mostly so he can tell you that he’s at the Playboy Super Bowl party and you’re not.

Hey Thanks Darren, closest I ever got to a playmate was back in 1999 when I “accidentally” ordered the Playboy channel and my dad almost murdered me.

Or when he just casually reminds everyone that he went to Northwestern.


And that’s where this hate hit an all time high. On Saturday he tweeted about Northwestern football not paying any of their pre-Big Ten season opponents.

And this perfectly encapsulate what type of person Darren Rovell is. Would he mention the fact that Northwestern doesn’t pay its opponents because its football program is a joke? That it makes no money? That the stadium is always half full? That if they could I’m sure they would? No, Darren Rovell wants YOU to know that he not only went to Northwestern, which means that he’s smarter and better than you, but also that Northwestern has standards, and ethics, and doesn’t pay its opponents like your stupid state school that has to pay money to bring in teams even though the football program makes a net profit of MILLIONS of dollars.

So there it is. I needed to get that off my chest. Pres has Schefter, I now have Rovell. And yes we hyperbolize on Barstool from time to time but this isn’t an exaggeration, Darren Rovell is the worst type of person on earth. Period.

The name Darren sucks too. Its like Derek. Never met a cool Darren or Derek. Just doesn’t exist.