Chicagoist - A man was recently spotted trapping pigeons in Uptown and putting them in a white pick-up truck, and residents familiar with Ald. James Cappleman’s (46th) hatred of the birds immediately pointed to him as the bird thief. It seemed like a strange, paranoid reaction at first, with people thinking Cappleman had the birds “disappeared” in some Jason Bourne-esque conspiracy. But the alderman has since admitted that, yes, he invited Indiana farmer Herbert Govert to come take a few of the birds out of the neighborhood. Activist group Showing Animals Respect and Kindness (SHARK) had offered a $1,000 bounty for the identification of the pigeon-napper, as Cappleman’s office had refused.


This is a prime example of why environmental groups are all out of their minds. Like this animal activist group SHARK (fierce!) is offering $1,000 for reporting anyone capturing pigeons and sending them to a farm in Indiana that actually wants them. How is that in any way logical? I guess their argument is it isn’t natural? Well you know what the least natural thing on the planet is you hippie dickheads? Fucking cities. Cities are vertical slabs of concrete built on horizontal slabs on concrete where steel cars pump out exhaust which pollutes the air of the people walking on cement sidewalks. I mean I love it. Think it’s awesome. But it’s anti-nature. The only animals that belong here are dogs period.

You ever see birds flying free on Planet Earth then go downtown and see them circling above like Japanese fighter pilots ready to shit on everybody walking down Michigan Ave? They’re fucking pissed. It’s constant warfare with those ornery bastards. Shipping them off to a farm is the best thing for all parties involved. There’s literally no downside. But of course environmentalists have to beat their chest and get all bent out of shape when you try to do anything mutually beneficial that they didn’t think of. Naturally.