Chicago - Four Chicago Bulls championship rings were stolen last week from a Bronzeville home, police said Wednesday in an alert. A Bulls employee discovered the rings missing from his home on the 4300 block of South Dr. Martin Luther King Drive on Nov. 13. The rings are from the years 1991, 1993, 1997 and 1998, according to police. They’re size 12 and are personally engraved. Police said contractors were working on his home when he discovered the rings missing. Anyone with information is urged to contact Area Central detectives at 312-747-8382.

Wait is this actually something of value to people? I don’t mean the guy whose rings they were obviously. It wouldn’t matter if I was a popcorn vender if those were my rings I’d literally murder my own children to get them back. Re-enact the story of Abraham and climb up a mountain somewhere dragging my first born along and just sacrifice him to the God’s so I could brag and show off my championship bling to everybody. But what good is this to the guy that stole it who now has someone else’s engraved championship ring? I’m dead serious I just don’t see the point in it whatsoever. It’d be like sneaking into someone’s house and stealing their fleshlight. Like no thanks bro that’s all you in there, you hang on to that. Whacky stuff.

PS – I wouldn’t even want one of MJ’s rings. There’s just no fucking point. It’d just sit there on my mantle as a constant reminder that I’m not a 6’6″ black dude whose the best basketball player that ever lived.