Buckle Up Guys, I Found The New Worst Person On Earth, Fox News Reporter Tells Everyone How Awesome He Is Because He Waited Until His Wedding To Lose His Virginity
Well looks like I found the new worst person on Earth. If we are all regular guys then this kid is a straight up alien. I’m going to warn everyone before we get into this, its bad, like real bad. So bad I may even be done with Rovell. Its like smoking weed and doing heroin. Rovell is weed and this kid (@scrowder) is heroin. I may never be able to get high off Rovell again.
Breath Big Cat, Breath. Here we go….
(SOURCE) As anyone who’s read my abstinence column here at Fox News Opinion could guess, my wedding is something that I’ve looked forward to for quite some time. After having tied the knot at the end of August, I can now say beyond all shadow of a doubt, that it was everything I’d hoped and prayed that it would be since childhood. (I’d also prayed to be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop sticky hands, but… I was an idiot.)
Hold On. You dreamt of your wedding day since your childhood? Did I read that right? My fucking god man. You know what I dreamt of when I was a kid? Being a professional athlete, or president, or an astronaut, or a fucking DOG. Yeah, I wanted to be a Dog, still do actually, you know why? Because Dogs get to fuck things and don’t dream of wedding days. I dread my wedding day. DREAD it. Every guy does. And you’ve been writing in your diary since you were 5 about where the guests were going to sit and the eggshell white table clothes. Hey bro You know how I know you’re ga….. ah fuck it lets keep moving.
Let me preface this column by saying this: my wife (I have to get used to saying that) and I not only waited sexually in every way,
O/U how many times this guy said Fiance in the past year? 1.3 trillion
(no, we didn’t pull the Bill Clinton and technically avoid “sex” sex,) but we didn’t shack up as live-ins and most importantly, we courted each other in a way that was consistent with our publicly professed values. We did it right.
Who the fuck publicly professes values? Oh yeah that’s right, people who think they’re morally superior to everyone else, that’s who. You know what my values are? Get rich. Did I do it RIGHT Steven? Stupid question, there can only be ONE right and that’s Steven Crowder’s right.
Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.
ON A PLANE??? TO PARADISE???? WITH A BABE?!?!?!?? SO COOOOOL MAN!!!!!!!!! WHAT’S THAT LIKE???????? I WANT TO BE YOU.
Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.
You know what, I have to say, I am feeling a little judged here. Wait, no I’m not, because no one has ever read a fucking article on the internet and thought, damn this guy is really judging me, I’m so hurt. How self important are you bro? Do you read everything as if the person is talking directly to you? Jesus, just kill yourself.
We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.
Hold on you can’t tell me you’re some holy christian and then start talking all Jewy to me. I swear to god if you tell me later in this article you had some lox and shmear at your wedding and did Hava Nagila I’m going to flip my shit. Fucking hypocrite.
Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.
This is the worst type of person. The vegetarian who can’t just be a vegetarian but has to tell you why you’re a bad person for eating meat. Or the sober one that looks down on everyone who gets drunk. Fuck you man. Having sex doesn’t make you pathetic or a floozie it makes you a HUMAN BEING. Honestly, this might the most self righteous thing ever written. Trying to not only rationalize your stupid set of “principles” and “morals” but to put everyone else down in the process is such a dickhead move. Have fun on your death bed when you’re sitting there saying to yourself, that was awesome the time in college I didn’t fuck that chick because I thought I was better than everyone else. That will be a blast.
I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to), but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”
Promiscous Charlatans? You mean normal people that like to have sex? Fuck you man. Using the King’s English can’t hide the fact that you’re a fucking weirdo. I may be dumb but I’m not that dumb.
I’d like to tell you a story of our morning after, however. One that transpired into one of the most glaring EPIPHANIES I’d ever had.
As my wife (again, still not used to that) and I ate breakfast at a local inn, we overheard the table next to us discussing their very own wedding from the night prior. What a coincidence! “The thing is, nothing’s really changed,” the bride said. Puzzled, my wife asked, “Did you get married last night too? So did we!”. “Congratulations!” the other dame said. “Yeah we did, just last night.” “Where’s the groom?” my wife innocently… scratch that, naively asked. “Oh, he’s sleeping. There was no way he was coming out with me this morning!” She paused and smirked. “Let’s just say that he’s got a lingering headache from a really good time last night.”
Oh you mean he had fun on his wedding night? A night when ALL of his best friends and family are together for probably the only time ever? What an asshole.
My heart sank. Firstly, that poor schmuck’s “good time” was simply getting snookered.
Whoops, my bad guys, this guy isn’t gay, he’s just British. Easily confusable.
Not enjoying the company of close family and long-lost friends with a clear head and clean conscience. He probably won’t remember any of it. Instead, he got smashed. He was “that guy”… at his own freaking wedding.
And you’re “That Guy” in life. And what the fuck is a “long lost friend” anyway? You mean people on facebook that I stalk and will never speak to again? Yeah pretty sure that’s why the internet exists, dummy.
Then I realized something. Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together.
Could’ve just saved anal for your wedding night, that would’ve worked too.
The people next to us that morning? Well, theirs was just one big party. And the morning after? Just another hangover.
I hate Big Parties, the worst.
Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.
You know what I know? That you’re life is so miserable that you resort to silently measuring yourself up against complete and utter strangers that you have 4 sentence conversations with? Way to justify no one having any fun at your wedding bud. Newsflash, all your “friends” hate you because your wedding sucked for them and they still had to get you that Salad Bowl from Crate and Barrel.
Do yours the right way. If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way. If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.
…Or just seventeen seconds of sex.
Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.
You’re darn right you just became my number 1 most hated person on planet earth. Thanks for playing Steve, now kindly go walk into oncoming traffic.