If it wasn’t for public transportation I’d be absolutely fucked. It’s the only way I really get anywhere because I’m too cheap to pay for gas and car insurance and frankly when you live in a major city there’s no need for a car anyway. But the thing about public transportation is that it’s a festering breeding ground for the insane, dilapidated vagrants of society. Here’s the 5 worst people you’ll encounter on public transportation as well as some honorable mentions.

In Through The Out Door People

I know this gets tossed around on Barstool all the time but people who try to enter a subway car before everyone else has gotten off are without a doubt are the actual worst and dumbest people on the planet. Horrid individuals in every sense of the word. Maybe the easiest thing to figure out in society and yet a handful of people still always fuck it up. Typically it’s small, ornery Asian women with a 25 shopping bag force field around her but it can literally be anyone. Your parents, your neighbors, the leaders of your community. Everyone’s a suspect. If you see someone trying to get on a train or bus before other people get off either call the police or roundhouse kick them in the face.

Old People/Women Who Expect You To Give Up Your Seat

 

I actually have tons of respect for old people. Sometimes I shit on them in the blog but that’s only because they’re easy targets and do funny, stupid things. But generally speaking they’re harmless and fun to listen to despite the fact that they smell just absolutely terrible.

But with that being said any old person who expects me to get up from my seat just because they’re old is outside their damn mind. Listen dude I know you’ve been riding the L since Frank Roosevelt was fighting the Germans from his polio chair but I fought for this seat. I earned it. You didn’t. Tough shit. So long as you’re not in danger of falling over on your head and getting a concussion I’m not moving an inch for you bro. If your bones can’t handle the pain of standing up buy a wheelchair or drink more milk.

Even worse than the old person though is the fat woman. I’ll get up for a hot chick but that’s because you’ll do anything for a hot chick. I’ll punch my mother in the face if a hot chick asks me too. But the heavy, mouth-breathing disgusting chick with a damp foopa and sweatpants who stands in front of you with that smug look on her face is what I’m talking about here. You know she expects you to give up the chair because in her head she’s a woman and that’s the just “the rule”. Psyche, that rule only applies to pretty girls sweetheart, just like everything else in the world. There’s literally nothing in it for me to let you sit down outside of getting your sweaty vagina out of my peripheral vision.

Person Listening to Music Too Loud

If I hear “Lamborghini mercy, Yo chick she so thirsty…” one more time from someone sitting 14 rows behind me I’m going to turn into Edward Nortan’s character from Fight Club and just start beating the shit out of myself in the middle of a train car. Knock myself out with a left hook to the brain trying to punch the insanity out of me. Either that or I’ll start cutting off my ears like Van Gogh so I can’t hear anything anymore but if that happens then I’ll never be able to hear music again unless I blast my headphones to the max and then I’ll be right back where I started except I’ll have turned into the person I originally hated. Vicious fucking cycle.

The Ethnic Food Eaters

Eating regular (read: American) food on public transit is totally fine. If you want to crush a $5 foot long or a sausage, egg and cheese on an everything bagel in 7 seconds during your commute to work be my guest. But don’t you dare walk into my car, sit down and try to devour a 3 course meal from Punjabi Paradise or wherever and in the process ruin my entire life and make me want to kill myself. Hey Rajnish I know you miss that bomb fish curry and lamb nutsack soup your Mom used to whip up after school back in Mumbai but to be totally honest bro your food is weird and it smells like shit. And ease up on the chili powder for christ.

Sitting Spread Eagle Guy

Oh what’s up dude you have a dick and two balls? Yeah me too, now sit down like a regular person before I start playing pop-a-shot and throw hammers at your testicles. You look like a fucking prostitute sitting like that. Clean it up. Unless you’ve got a baby’s arm between your legs or you’re a black person sitting full spread eagle should be punishable by death.

Of course there’s a sub category here and that’s the fat dude who can’t physically keep his legs together because if he tries his muscles will contract and he’ll sweat and convulse and pass out on the floor. I don’t hate this guy as much as the above guy but frankly both of them deserve to be dumped into a lake strapped to a tesla coil.

Honorable Mentions:

Personal Groomers: I actually totally understand this. I’m as vain as anyone and from what I can gather I’m fairly fucking ugly. I can only imagine what it’d be like being a hot person. I’d be dropping Blue Steel’s and Magnum’s 24/7.

Beggars: Honestly I expected this to make the original cut but beggers are so ingrained in our society at this point they’re sort of background noise more than anything. No I’m not going to give you my change because I don’t carry change because I’m not poor. Later.

Religious Guy: A rare site but a gem when you see them. Religious Guy can go one of two ways. He can entertain you with his bullshit rants about salvation and Jesus or he can make you want to commit holy murder and suplex him onto the 3rd rail. Really depends on the day you’re having.

Parents with Small Children: As much as I hate kids and babies there’s really not much parents can do. They gotta get somewhere, they have kids, it is what it is. I’m not above punching a kid in the face if he tries to touch me with his slimy fingers though.

Vagrants Who Slap You In The Face With A Sock Full Of Feces: Fresh on the brain from a few weeks ago. Admittedly a pretty rare occurrence as I’m not sure it’s ever happened before but an instant classic that definitely had to make the list. Nothing worse than having a peaceful day ruined by a sock full of feces blasting you across the face. Week ruiner.

Know any other public transportation people that make you want to kill yourself? List em below or hit up @stoolchicago with additions.