I’ve been seeing a trend in the national media where everyone is being completely biased and dumb. I’m hearing all this idiotic scuttlebutt from the interwebs and ESPN. Phrases like, “The NFC South is turrible.” And “We should restructure the playoff system to prevent teams with losing records from getting in!” And. ”Look at the 9-6 [...]
I’ve been seeing a trend in the national media where everyone is being completely biased and dumb. I’m hearing all this idiotic scuttlebutt from the interwebs and ESPN. Phrases like, “The NFC South is turrible.” And “We should restructure the playoff system to prevent teams with losing records from getting in!” And. ”Look at the 9-6 Eagles! They aren’t making the postseason and now all their fans have is the Sixers!” And. ”Remember how the Falcons had that dog murderer guy? Now this! Pfffffft”
Dumb… Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. It’s all malarkey and let me explain why. Because despite a 6-9, official (read: meaningless if you have a brain) record, the Falcons should be undefeated. Here’s why every single stupid loss that Roger Goodell recorded in his My Little Pony notebook is R.O.N.G. wrong
Loss Illusion of Atlanta not winning in Cincinatti (Week 2)
Explanation: Ginger Wizardry. Andy Dalton sprouts another red hair every time he casts an illusion that he’s a good QB. COUNT THE HAIRS, PEOPLE. Looks like an after photo from a Rogaine commercial exclusively for the soulless. Can’t trust that scoreboard.
Result: 24-10, kitty cats. But Falcons will only have an L until Andy Dalton runs out of Mana and the score goes back to the way it should be. Can’t be long now after that game last night
Loss Unfortunate experience involving the Vikings (Week 4)
Does anybody else think Bridgewater is weird name? Why aren’t there any Tunnelmountain’s running around?
Explanation: So errrybody gets to protest in the NFL except the Falcons? Not sure if you noticed but the TE, Levine Toilolo, got SWITCHED to right tackle in the 4th quarter of this game. Only stronger statement that could have been made is if they made Matt Ryan play left guard. All of the official reports claim the O-line was decimated but I’m pretty sure they were making a statement about that guy who was beating children All Day with foliage.
Result: 41-28 guys who pillaged and raped up and down the coastline of Scandinavia for 100′s of years… I guess that’s a Falcons L on the books but it’s a W for every kid who’s been beaten by shrubbery. And that’s what really counts
Loss Less than positive scenario involving the “New York” Giants (Week 5)
Explanation: ODB found a material that is basically just the mathematical equation that dictates the physics of friction and put it on his gloves. I’d call that cheating, no? Used to be you had to spread steck em on your paws and look like you jacked off an elephant. Now they just call it accessorizing with the less handsome Beckham. CHEATER.
Result: 30-20 Blue team from New Jersey that pretends they’re from NY just like every other loser from New Jersey. But really that’s a DQ for blatant cheating. I see you O’Dell (you Irish, bro?). I see you.
Loss Faaaabulous Sunday in the Georgia Dome with the Bears (Week 6)
Explanation: The Falcons underwent gender reassignment surgery that week to support LGBT rights. I watched the game. I saw the passes. I saw the lack of pressure on Cutler. The Falcons were girls. Limp wristed, full breasted ladies out on the field. Rashede Hageman was wearing Lululemons under his pads. Mike Tice gave birth on the sideline for Christ’s sake. But it was for a good cause. A pride parade marched through downtown Atlanta that day and the team would be damned if they didn’t give their hearts, minds, and testicles to the cause. It’s called being progressive fellas. Look it up.
Result: 27-13 to the animals that got attracted by all the menstruation. But you can’t hit girls that hard unless you’re from Baltimore so Bears lose.
Loss Joe Flacco isn’t elite (Week 7)
Explanation: Joe Flacco isn’t elite
Result: 29-7 Joe Flacco isn’t elite
Loss The Falcons couldn’t have possibly lost that game to the Lions in the Duchess of Cambridge’s backyard (Week 8)
Explanation: Real talk for a second… This was a shitty day. I woke up at 9 AM to watch this game (thanks Rog) and was still pretty drunk. Kinda one of those days where you realize you’re still buzzed but are like, “Shit, I might not pass a breathalyzer right now, but I’m not night time drunk so I’m heading in to the office”. Then you sit in your cube and feel fine for the first couple hours, but by lunchtime your hangover starts setting in and you want to die. Well that feeling started for me around halftime during this game and it was too early to make a beer run still. Watching a 21 point Falcon’s lead evaporate as a conga line trotted through my skull was incredibly painful. But being the mental pretzel twisting master that I am, I amplified the ringing in my head and rang that game right out of existence.
Help me out, J
Whitest guys ever dap!!!
Sorry you guys all had to play 16 games this year. Falcons only played 15. We didn’t even go to London, idiots.
Falcons are eating tapas while everybody else is playing checkers
Loss Cleveland accidentally not being Cleveland (Week 12)
Explanation: Merril Hoge fucked this one up big time. Cleveland’s most Cleveland team involves Johnny FUCKING Football and Hoge is out there saying he’s a 6th round talent. The Cleveland front office doesn’t understand things. Not letters. Not numbers. Not square peg goes in the square hole. So they certainly don’t understand football. And that makes them impressionable. You can’t put a voice of reason like Hoge’s into the mix and ruin a perfectly Cleveland team. Ain’t allowed. I’d like the Falcons to have a coach who understood that time progresses linearly at the end of games. Or a defense inside the top 30 in the NFL. But that’s not allowed to happen. And if that can’t happen, then the Browns certainly don’t get a whole extra talent scout in Hoge to convince them not to play JFF until so late in the season.
Result: 26-24 Dirt Colors. But between Hoge, Lebron, and the vaporizer in Josh Gordon’s locker they had three ineligible personnel on their squad. So no dice
Loss Spider 2 Y Banana Bite on Monday Night Football with the Packers (Week 14)
Explanation: Jon Gruden got a hold of the Atlanta playbook and changed all the play names to the stupid ones he uses on MNF. So Matt Ryan was calling for a Zebra Monkey Slant and Julio Jones was wondering if that’s racist or not rather than running the route tree that was discussed all week during practice. And it was all so Gruden could make out with Aaron Rodgers the whole game. Yuck.
Result: 43-37 Fermented Cow Fluid Heads. But Gruden’ s trickery was worth at least 7 points to Green Bay so I think we all know how that game would have shook out any other night. And we ARE talking about playoffs now. And those aren’t on Mondays
Loss We don’t care about the Steelers because all we have to do is beat the bad Saints next week and the bad Panthers after that and we’re in with home field (Week 15)
Explanation: The Falcons didn’t even game plan for the Steelers. Didn’t do it. Who cares? Do you think W’s outside the NFC South matter to anyone inside the NFC South during the regular season? Ha. Nope. The Falcons probably went bowling and ski balling and pussy crushing the whole week before that Steelers game. Still held it to within a TD too. Sorry for being awesome at football but not really sorry
Result: 27-20 Stealers. Stealers never win unless they’re part of Danny Ocean’s crew so the Falcons obviously couldn’t lose. Homophones will get you every time
Oh snap, crackle, pop. Did I just blow your mind? Hey where did all those L’s go? We’re running out of W’s now. Gonna have to dip into the M’s and flip them upside down. Pick your jaw up off the floor because the Falcons are busy sweeping their way to a perfect season and your big dumb mouth is in the way. #RiseUp