We’ve all heard about the recent mumps outbreak in the NHL. Being the creative genius that I am, I gots to thinking: “Who at Barstool would I most like to get infected with the mumps solely for my entertainment?” I figured it would make for pretty good comedy. I mean thousands of you blowhards would probably watch a video of Pres playing rock paper scissors for 12 minutes and get a kick out of it. Oh wait that actually happened. But the mumps? A virus that makes your head look like Glen Quagmire’s and your balls swell to the size of watermelons and getting it all on tape??? Yes please!
Being that it’s Wednesday and I have checked into Christmas mode and do not plan on performing any actual work the rest of the week, I figured I’d put my thoughts in blog form for the masses. And we’re off!
No offense to the lil guy, but I think if Nate caught the mumps it would be fucking hilarious. Just imagine his squirrely ass strolling around the Beltway in his O’s hat and Nat’s shirt with a face that bloated 5 times the normal size. He’d be a human caramel apple!
As much as I take pride in my ability to laugh at the misfortune of others, and as much as I hate KFC for making me choke down a spoonful of cinnamon for opening his big retarded mouth, I don’t think it’d be all that funny if KFC got the mumps. Why? I don’t even know. Maybe it’s because I wish something more severe on him. Yep, that’s it. If it were gonorrhea or something funny like that then we’d be talking. A+ comedy right there. I’d turn it into a motion picture and call it “Cuncel da KFC”
By all accounts, Smitty already has the mumps. So would it be funny if he actually got diagnosed with them? Prolly not.
Full disclosure, I’ve never said a word to Feitelberg, but I do listen to KFC radio now and then and they always reference him nailing some chick in the ass in New Orleans or something, so it’s probably not too farfetched to say Feitelberg is already walking around Boston with an infectious disease or two anyways.
Reasons why JJ should contract the mumps:
1. He obviously doesn’t give a flying fuck about his health or general well being
2. Mumps is deadly in extreme cases. Since one of JJ’s favorite things to do is dome up his boyfriend Jeter, maybe Jeter would contract the deadly version of the virus. One can hope.
First things first: has anyone ever seen Big Cat and Cousin Terio in the same room together? Oooooh kill em Big Cat. But back to the original topic - I don’t even need to go into reasons why it’d be great if Big Cat got intentionally infected by the mumps. The guy does anything and everything to make people laugh. Actually, I’m kinda surprised he doesn’t have the mumps already. Now that Duncan Keith is rumored to maybe have contracted the virus, don’t be surprised if Big Cat is all of a sudden hanging out with his best friend “Sharpie” a lot more often after Hawks games. Stay tuned.
Pretty self explanatory, we all wanna see Portnoy get the mumps. Something other than his fucked up shoulder needs to get him off his high horse.
Don’t put it passed Portnoy to force Hank to get infected with the mumps. Anything for the pageviews, right?
Can’t wish anything bad on Trent. Just can’t do it. HE’S JUST TO GODDAMN NICE. If I have one complaint about Trent it’s that he’s not a big enough asshole. It’s almost enough to wish mumps upon him, but not quite. Call me fat, Trent, one time. It’ll feel good, I promise.
Please feel free to leave suggestions in the comment section below on who you’d most like to see get the mumps and why.
PS – Can you get mumps in the fingers? If you can then the obvious answer is Charlie Wisco so he is unable to use Twitter for however long the virus lasts for