Hot Galleries

Who At Barstool Would You Most Like To See Infected With The Mumps?

  We’ve all heard about the recent mumps outbreak in the NHL.  Being the creative genius that I am, I gots to thinking:  “Who at Barstool would I most like to get infected with the mumps solely for my entertainment?”  I figured it would make for pretty good comedy.  I mean thousands of you blowhards [...]

Capture

 

We’ve all heard about the recent mumps outbreak in the NHL.  Being the creative genius that I am, I gots to thinking:  “Who at Barstool would I most like to get infected with the mumps solely for my entertainment?”  I figured it would make for pretty good comedy.  I mean thousands of you blowhards would probably watch a video of Pres playing rock paper scissors for 12 minutes and get a kick out of it.  Oh wait that actually happened.  But the mumps?  A virus that makes your head look like Glen Quagmire’s and your balls swell to the size of watermelons and getting it all on tape??? Yes please!

Being that it’s Wednesday and I have checked into Christmas mode and do not plan on performing any actual work the rest of the week, I figured I’d put my thoughts in blog form for the masses.  And we’re off!

Nate:

 

Capture

 

No offense to the lil guy, but I think if Nate caught the mumps it would be fucking hilarious.  Just imagine his squirrely ass strolling around the Beltway in his O’s hat and Nat’s shirt with a face that bloated 5 times the normal size.  He’d be a human caramel apple!

 

KFC:

Capture

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As much as I take pride in my ability to laugh at the misfortune of others, and as much as I hate KFC for making me choke down a spoonful of cinnamon for opening his big retarded mouth, I don’t think it’d be all that funny if KFC got the mumps.  Why?  I don’t even know.  Maybe it’s because I wish something more severe on him.  Yep, that’s it.  If it were gonorrhea or something funny like that then we’d be talking.  A+ comedy right there.  I’d turn it into a motion picture and call it “Cuncel da KFC”

 

Smitty:

Capture

 

By all accounts, Smitty already has the mumps.  So would it be funny if he actually got diagnosed with them?  Prolly not.

Feitelberg:

 

Capture

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full disclosure, I’ve never said a word to Feitelberg, but I do listen to KFC radio now and then and they always reference him nailing some chick in the ass in New Orleans or something, so it’s probably not too farfetched to say Feitelberg is already walking around Boston with an infectious disease or two anyways.

 

JJ:

Capture

Reasons why JJ should contract the mumps:

1.  He obviously doesn’t give a flying fuck about his health or general well being

2.  Mumps is deadly in extreme cases.  Since one of JJ’s favorite things to do is dome up his boyfriend Jeter, maybe Jeter would contract the deadly version of the virus.  One can hope.

Big Cat:

Capture

First things first: has anyone ever seen Big Cat and Cousin Terio in the same room together? Oooooh kill em Big Cat.  But back to the original topic - I don’t even need to go into reasons why it’d be great if Big Cat got intentionally infected by the mumps.  The guy does anything and everything to make people laugh.   Actually, I’m kinda surprised he doesn’t have the mumps already.  Now that Duncan Keith is rumored to maybe have contracted the virus, don’t be surprised if Big Cat is all of a sudden hanging out with his best friend “Sharpie” a lot more often after Hawks games.  Stay tuned.

Portnoy:

Capture

Pretty self explanatory, we all wanna see Portnoy get the mumps.  Something other than his fucked up shoulder needs to get him off his high horse.

 

Hank:

Capture

 

Don’t put it passed Portnoy to force Hank to get infected with the mumps.  Anything for the pageviews, right?

Trent:

Capture

Can’t wish anything bad on Trent.  Just can’t do it.  HE’S JUST TO GODDAMN NICE.  If I have one complaint about Trent it’s that he’s not a big enough asshole.  It’s almost enough to wish mumps upon him, but not quite.  Call me fat, Trent, one time.  It’ll feel good, I promise.

 

Please feel free to leave suggestions in the comment section below on who you’d most like to see get the mumps and why.

PS – Can you get mumps in the fingers?  If you can then the obvious answer is Charlie Wisco so he is unable to use Twitter for however long the virus lasts for

 

By whitesoxdave posted December 18th, 2014 at 1:50 PM

Guess That Ass

   

 

Capture

 

Read the rest of this entry »

By Big Cat posted December 18th, 2014 at 1:05 PM

Investigative Report Says Johnny Manziel And Jimmy Clausen Are Both Going To Fail On Sunday Because Their Names Haven’t Grown Up Yet

We're DOOOOOOOOMED

5

1

 

2

 

 

 

 

Quick, everyone get to your bunker, we’ve got HOT TAKES dropping from the sky!!! And here I was getting a little excited for the Jimmy Clausen era. Hey maybe he’s not that bad? Hey maybe all these years as a backup have taught him a thing or two? Nahhhh, sorry guys, Jim Clausen goes out and beats the Lions on Sunday. Jimmy? That guy fucking stinks.

 

 

 

Oh and this is the point of the blog where you might be saying to yourself, what about Johnny Unitas? Wasn’t that guy one of the best quarterbacks of all time? He wasn’t John, he was Johnny.

 

To which my reply would simply be, read the rules you moron, Super Bowl era ONLY!

 

 

3

By Big Cat posted December 18th, 2014 at 12:16 PM

Barstool Rundown December 17th

By Big Cat posted December 18th, 2014 at 11:55 AM

Devin Brugman Says Hello For The First Time In A Long Time

Where have you been?

Capture

 

 

Feel like Devin has been flying under the radar recently. No clue where she’s been, this was her first bikini pic in like 2 months*, so when it popped up late yesterday my ears perked up. Still one of the best around. Need her back in a big way right now.

 

 

 

*If I’ve learned anything about the internet in my time it’s that when a chick disappears like that it means only one thing, a selfish dickhead of a boyfriend just came in the picture. I don’t know who you are bro, but I hate your fucking guts.  Now lets all say a little prayer that this bikini picture signifies a break up.

 

6 5 4 3

9 8

By Big Cat posted December 18th, 2014 at 11:20 AM

Players Upset Over Cutler Benching Compared To Kromer’s Non-Punishment. Bears Locker Room Is A Total Lost Cause At This Point

It's all broken

Capture

 

 

LAKE FOREST, Ill. — A pair of accomplished and respected Chicago Bears players told ESPNChicago.com on Wednesday night that a portion of the locker room feels “confused and uncomfortable” over how coach Marc Trestman handled Jay Cutler‘s benching compared to the minor discipline offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer received last week. ESPN 1000 in Chicago’s John Jurkovic discusses the state of the Bears, Chicago’s decision to bench Jay Cutler, the team’s future at the QB position and whether the squad will clean house.

From a pure performance standpoint, neither of the players, who requested to remain anonymous, objected to Cutler losing his starting job to Jimmy Clausen for Sunday’s game versus the Detroit Lions. But while noting that a faction of Cutler detractors exists inside Halas Hall, the general belief is the respective punishments for Cutler and Kromer are gravely inconsistent, after the Bears’ offensive coordinator received “basically a slap on the wrist” for his very public indiscretions when he tearfully revealed in a team meeting on Dec. 8 that he was the anonymous source cited in a published NFL Media report highly critical of the quarterback.  Kromer coached the Bears from the sidelines during Monday night’s 31-15 loss to the New Orleans Saints, and is expected to finish out the season. This further magnifies the distrust between Trestman and the locker room, an on-going issue during much of the Bears’ disappointing 5-9 season, according to the players. Trestman is scheduled to speak publicly about the decision to bench Cutler following Thursday’s practice. Although ESPN Senior NFL Insider Chris Mortensen reported that Trestman informed Cutler of the move Wednesday morning, the coach did not reveal the switch at quarterback Wednesday afternoon, even when directly asked if planned to stick with Cutler for the final two games.

 

 

 

And this is exactly why you’re losing your job Marc Trestman. Of course the record and piss poor play on Offense and Defense has had a large part to do with the downfall of the 2014 Bears but more than anything, it’s stories like this that make it readily apparent that Marc Trestman is not an NFL Head Coach. Not even close. He’s lost the locker room. No one in that building respects him anymore, his decisions lack any conviction and every time he gets in front of the press he pulls his hat lower and mumbles into the microphone about practice and “growing the man”. It’s all a joke. A gross miscalculation by Phil Emery. Fuck I was way wrong, I thought Trestman was a great outside the box hire at the time, but now we know why he can’t hack it. I’m not a meatball, I’m not saying the Bears need a Ditka fiery type, Lovie Smith was as docile and stoic as they come, they just need a guy who can make a decision and be consistent. Not firing Kromer was a joke. Trying to save your job in Week 16 and starting JIMMY CLAUSEN is a joke. Getting in front of the media yesterday and pretending you didn’t just switch quarterbacks is a joke. It’s all a joke. A sad, disappointing state of affairs in every aspect. Some guy on twitter said I was a flip flopper because I want everyone fired only 5 months after having high hopes for the season. Well what I didn’t expect in those 5 months was for EVERYTHING to break. Because that’s what this is, everything is broken. The trust, the system, the locker room, the coaches, the GM, the players, the ownership, everything. It has all come unraveled and it is not a pretty sight.

 

 

I don’t have the answer for the Bears, if I did I would be a rich man, but I do know this, the current group of players, management and coaches aren’t going to do it. It’s time for a complete overhaul. A total bottoming out. That’s the only way out of this, because putting a bandaid on a wound this deep isn’t going to change anything.

 

 

By Big Cat posted December 18th, 2014 at 10:40 AM

Thursday Morning NBA Recap

  Everybody on the Internet is going crazy cause Doris Burke was dribbling in her heels on SportsCenter last night.  All I got to say is keep that handle tighter on the behind the back move or else I’ll take your milk money every time. The games: Atlanta @ Cleveland Love or hate Lebron you [...]

 

Everybody on the Internet is going crazy cause Doris Burke was dribbling in her heels on SportsCenter last night.  All I got to say is keep that handle tighter on the behind the back move or else I’ll take your milk money every time.

The games:

Atlanta @ Cleveland

Love or hate Lebron you have to respect his skills.  Otherwise you’ll be sitting on the hardwood like Thabo.

Read the rest of this entry »

By brian e posted December 18th, 2014 at 10:00 AM

Movie Theater In Texas Plans On Showing “Team America” In Place Of “The Interview”, Showing The Terrorists Who The Real Boss Is

America, fuck yeah!

team_america_world_police_still

 

(Source) After Sony canceled the release of the North Korea assassination comedy The Interview, a Texas theater said it would swap the film with Paramount’s 2004 film Team America: World Police for one free screening. “We’re just trying to make the best of an unfortunate situation,” James Wallace, creative manager and programmer at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema’s Dallas/Fort Worth location, tells The Hollywood Reporter.  American flags and other patriotic items will be given out by theater employees, Wallace says. 

The plot of Team America, co-written by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, revolves around Kim Jong Il, the father of current North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. The posters promoting the R-rated movie in 2004 included the tagline, “Putting the ‘F’ Back in Freedom.”  In The Interview, Seth Rogen and James Franco‘s characters are tasked with assassinating Kim Jong Un.

The Alamo Drafthouse movie theater in Dallas, Texas, will be showing Team America: World Police in place of The Interview on Dec. 27 at 7 p.m. Wallace says that the Dallas/Fort Worth location is the only location as of now that is planning to screen the replacement film.  In a note on its website, the theater added: “THAT is how true American heroes will be celebrating this year, but if you want to let the terrorists win…well, that’s your prerogative.” Sony canceled the release of The Interview earlier on Wednesday after the country’s five largest theater chains all decided against showing the film, saying in a statement: “We respect and understand our partners’ decision and, of course, completely share their paramount interest in the safety of employees and theater-goers.”

 

 

 

God I love Texas. Not actual love, because most of the time they’re crazy people that I don’t understand and don’t resemble anything close to normal human beings who live in the north, but on days like today, I fucking love Texas. This is what America is about, spitting in the face of our enemies, getting a large popcorn and a jumbo soda and saying “we ain’t scared”. Guarantee everyone who goes out to see Team America next week brings a gun too. Like in my head these Texans are all just going to sit in a movie theater with toothpicks in their mouth, cowboy hats, and shotguns. Just waiting for someone to make a joke about America or look at the flag sideways. And the best part of this is I’m pretty sure they don’t realize that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are basically mocking this exact type of mentality in the very movie they’re watching. Like people who think Colbert is real. That entire part is lost on them, but the part where they show the terrorists they aren’t scared of a little nerd asian hacker, that part they nailed.

 

 

 

 

PS

These are the times I wish Ali G was still alive, he would send an asian reporter to this event in a second. Probably dress him up like King Jong Un and have him wave a North Korean flag too. Just stir the whole pot until someone almost dies.

By Big Cat posted December 18th, 2014 at 9:21 AM
© 2014 Barstool Sports | Disclaimer | Copyright | Privacy Policy | Media Kit