So yesterday I had a post about MJ getting kicked off a golf course for wearing Cargo Shorts and much to my shock and horror there were actually a good amount of people who said Cargo Shorts aren’t that bad and that they wear them all the time. I thought we were better than this stoolies? I thought we were trendsetters, the guy at the party that chicks look at and say “Whoa, look at that funny/fashionable guy with small hands, I want to suck his cock”. Well guess what, that isn’t happening with Cargo shorts. Fact.
Now I’m not saying No one should wear cargo shorts. That would be ridiculous. But regular, self respecting men between the ages of 16 and 40 should never in a million years wear Cargo shorts. Here’s the list of people that can wear cargo shorts and get away with it. Also take everything I say here and multiply it by 1 billion for cargo pants. Cargo pants are fucking psycho.
1. Young Children – 12 and under, totally fine especially considering the fact that their mom is dressing them anyway. Its cargo shorts by default. When I was growing up whatever Old Navy/Gap had was what I was wearing. My mom was on autopilot. If it was on display at one of those two stores it was in my closet.
2. Black Men with 6 NBA Championships – Pretty self explanatory. Unless you’re Michael, Scottie or Robert Horry (minus Scottie and Robert Horry) you shouldn’t be wearing Cargo Shorts.
3. Homeless People – All that change needs to go somewhere. If you’re homeless its not that you can wear cargo pants/shorts its that you should wear cargo pants/shorts. In the homeless world you’re an outsider if you don’t.
4. People in the Military/People who do Safaris for a living/Fisherman – Now this is where regular people get lost on the Cargo short debate. But Big Cat, its functional to have extra pockets. No it isn’t. Unless you’re carrying around Lures or K-Packs or extra bullets for your machine gun you don’t need 8 pockets on your pants. You’re a man. You need to carry your wallet, your keys and your phone. Everything else is an accessory and unnecessary. If you want to wear Cargo Shorts go be weird and hunt Rhinos in Africa.
5. Dennis The Menace or any member of the Littler Rascals – If you’re Dennis the Menace you can wear cargo shorts to keep all your packets of gum/fireworks/slingshots etc in. If you’re not Dennis the Menace, don’t wear cargo shorts.
6. Unattractive Lesbians – Unattractive Lesbians can wear cargo shorts because Unattractive Lesbians can wear whatever they want to wear. I don’t fuck with Unattractive Lesbians. I value my life far too much to do something stupid like that.
7. Fathers who have given up on life – When I was a kid my dad used to wear cargo pants. You know why? Because his life fucking sucked. He had 3 kids always bothering him and hassling him and not letting him live in peace. He did it because he had to carry around things for his dickhead children that couldn’t be responsible enough to carry things for themselves. And you know what, as soon as we all grew up he stopped wearing Cargo Pants. It was like he was openly admitting that the Cargo Pants/Parenting period of his life were his darkest times. He just went into survival mode. Nothing else mattered. I get that.
8. People at airports – This is a tricky one. I would never wear cargo shorts at an airport but I understand why people do. The airport is one of those weird places where there are no rules/norms on what you can and can not wear. Everyone is miserable. Everyone hates each other. Fashion and not looking like an asshole doesn’t count in the confines of the airport. Its sort of like stepping into the Brakus’s Coliseum in Best of the Best 2. No rules. Survival of the fittest.
That’s it. Do you fall under any of these categories? If the answer is yes then go right ahead, wear Cargo Shorts and 8,000 pockets all day everyday, but if you don’t, just realize you’re being judged by everyone in society. And for anyone who is saying, Oh Big Cat, you’re such a fucking snob, how dare you, just realize that yes I am a snob with some things but that’s a good thing. If you can never be a snob that means you’re poor and pathetic and have nothing to be snobby about.
baconbit says at November 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm
i give up on life, rock the cargos
thedude98 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm
its pretty questionable to write a huge blog about typical shorts people wear. questionable.
jimmy2times says at November 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Been saying this for years, no one has gotten laid rockin cargo short since nam…. except MJ.
urlacherchi says at November 29, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Tremendous Blog. A+
pj18 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:07 pm
No one has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since nam.
pawts says at November 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm
enjoy your skinny jeans and fanny pack……i’ll stick with cargo shorts
twankdeuce says at November 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm
no one has gotten anything wearing cargo shorts…except a loss of respect. A+
tornopen says at November 29, 2012 at 12:10 pm
what the fuck are they talking about?
If I am playing golf in the summer, everyone wears cargo shorts.
What should I wear, those douchebag tight plaid shorts?
You kids today are so fucking gay with your skinny jeans, and ridiculous graphic t-shirts. Yeah, real tough with a sparkly snakeand chinese writing t-shirt. Do you feel pretty? Or douchebags who just cover themselves in oversized team jerseys. Yeah, you look cool in your Rondo jersey that goes down to your knees.
Maury Ballstein says at November 29, 2012 at 12:10 pm
cargo pants hell no, cargo shorts yes. Great blog nonetheless.
herbie versmells says at November 29, 2012 at 12:11 pm
i’m pretty sure its in the constitution that if you see someone wearing cargo shorts paired with socks and sandals, and a chain wallet, you are legally allowed to murder that person
pj18 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Tornotool if people wear sparkly snake shirts and Chinese graphic tees than those are the only people gayer than you and your cargo shorts.
ellensmistress says at November 29, 2012 at 12:12 pm
@tornopen you mad bro? Rondo wasn’t even born yet when you were probably rocking your Cargo Shorts and Mullet in the 80s
nepats1001 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:13 pm
What else is there to wear besides cargo shorts? jean shorts? fuck no.
carlsweetchuck says at November 29, 2012 at 12:13 pm
I love cargo shorts, and I’m not taking fashion advice from a fatso who recently posted a pic of his bumpkin shirt about to explode.
Jabo says at November 29, 2012 at 12:13 pm
fanny packs are the shit, fuck you pawts
You Bleed Like Mai Lee says at November 29, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Cargos are the shit – In what other article of clothing can you carry 4 beers in complete comfort?
dadtime says at November 29, 2012 at 12:17 pm
I thought this site was for the common man, by the common man. What about construction workers?
Very insulting.
shermfloaters says at November 29, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Was a 12 year old – Cargo shorts
Was a teen – Cargo shorts
Love to Fish – Cargo shorts
Now a Dad – Cargo shorts
And when I’m a dusty, musty 80 year old I’ll wear cargo shorts to carry my drooping balls in. Cargo shorts for days!!!!!!
That all being said – this blog had my howling. Well done Hobbit Hands, well done
valbroski says at November 29, 2012 at 6:21 pm
This anti cargo shorts crusade is played the fuck out. What’s next big cat, a nickelback sucks blog?
ande12333 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:21 pm
what about camo cargo shorts?
“camo shorts go with anything i wanna weeeeaaaarrrrrr” – wiz
billman says at November 29, 2012 at 6:23 pm
Hilarious post. Lesbians are spot on
animalman says at November 29, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Cargo shorts and cargo pants aren’t the same thing. If you can’t wear cargo shorts what the fuck are you supposed to wear in the summertime? Jorts? Or gym shorts? No thanks, I’m not at the gym and I’m not black.
annarborisawhore says at November 29, 2012 at 12:26 pm
@ tornopen: you sound like a fucking idiot. Golf course is one of the last places you should be wearing cargo shorts unless you golf at some shitty par 3 course that only has 9 holes (which i guess would explain why “everyone” wears them their). And in what world does not wearing cargo shorts mean graphic t shirts. If anything people that wear affliction shirts DO wear cargo shorts. And who the fuck are these oversized jersey people?? Where does this go on and how does it relate to not dressing like a child or a Dad who threw in the towel?
TheUglyShtick says at November 29, 2012 at 12:27 pm
they are goddamn pockets. Jesus.
5MinuteMajor says at November 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm
“Fathers who have given up on life” Isn’t that redundant?
CptBuck says at November 29, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Fat people love cargo pants.
#19 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Well I guess I’m a tool for not wanting to wear shorts that are tight and squeeze the shit out of my sack.
animalman says at November 29, 2012 at 12:36 pm
I love how you say chicks won’t suck your dick if you wear cargo shorts and then feature a dude wearing cargo shorts with a smoke show wife. You just made the perfect argument for me sticking with my cargo shorts.
wilburham says at November 29, 2012 at 12:38 pm
if you work a job outside with your hands that requires tools, cargo shorts are a must
urlacherchi says at November 29, 2012 at 12:39 pm
animal man, you serious? That’s that cunt who had 8 kids and made a show out of it. She is so far from a smokeshow.
bobcabbit says at November 29, 2012 at 12:39 pm
I’m with tornopen on this one. Seriously what else do you wear when its 95 degrees out, regular khaki shorts or worse the $75 plaid Polo shorts because you are going sailing? I don’t know how they do things in Chicago but if I am doing anything in the summer two pockets is not enough. You got the wallet in one, phone in the other. Where do you put your keys, tin of Kodiak, pack of Backwoods, flask? Walking the shit factory of a dog I have need at least 2 plastic bags at all times as well. Is this really what the world is coming to? For gods sake
bobcabbit says at November 29, 2012 at 12:41 pm
and I dont care if he is MJ – he has enough money to pay someone to set him up with a pair of pants that fit him
englewood joyride says at November 29, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Better than wearing fucking jorts. Cargo shorts are the shit, you can fit so much shit in your pockets and they’re comfortable. Don’t understand why so many people hate them.
aboveaverageage says at November 29, 2012 at 12:45 pm
@cargo short defenders: you realize the only options aren’t cargo shorts and “sack squeezing shorts”/skinny jeans/basketball shorts, right? They make regular shorts that have pockets for your wallet, phone and keys. They don’t, however, have room for your stupidity.
Finn McCool says at November 29, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Cargo shorts fine most places but not a good look on the golf course. Clean it up. Get a pair of proper golf shorts. Also, there are options besides jorts and ballhuggers. You know, regular shorts without the pockets on the side.
crash1600 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Cargo pants are an abomination. Khaki shorts come in many colors, plaid shorts are cool, lax shorts are fine, and long jeans/khakis are all viable alternatives. I don’t get people who cannot imagine wearing anything but Cargo shorts.
Tins go in the back khaki pocket in the summer.
Fratoholic says at November 29, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Stunning how many gdi’s there are on barstool. If you wear cargo shorts you are a fucking loser. The northeast really has to catch up with the rest of America
EZBreezey2222 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:47 pm
im going to take advice on what shorts to wear from a guy who goes grocery shopping sans cart/basket and just carries all his shit in his arms up and down the isles? i think not.
bigstick says at November 29, 2012 at 12:48 pm
Cargos are the best when golfing. With amount of golf balls I hit in the woods I need all the pockets I can get.
urlacherchi says at November 29, 2012 at 12:48 pm
@aboveaverageage, exactly what I was thinking. Its not cargo shorts or jorts. That’s not the debate.
pedrofartinez says at November 29, 2012 at 12:49 pm
what a fucking hipster
Minibarbaric says at November 29, 2012 at 12:52 pm
For ANYTHING not professional dress, cargo shorts are good. Anyone rocking purple starfish shorts (could never quite figure out the fixation with something that was a word for the human asshole) can’t come down any clothing, let alone cargo shorts.
cawk gawd says at November 29, 2012 at 12:52 pm
everytime i go to 6 flags i rock my cargo shorts, once a year but having those buttons for my valuables on roller coasters is a must
bequigs says at November 29, 2012 at 12:54 pm
the only pair of shorts i wear are my cargo shorts, and i own plenty of other pairs of shorts…so fuck you
pj18 says at November 29, 2012 at 12:55 pm
What do you mean what else would you wear? Wear cargo shorts without the fucking cargo pockets you retards aka regular khaki or dark shorts. Very simple.
Frayed jorts are legit.
rayallensmom says at November 29, 2012 at 12:58 pm
have fun in your jorts big cat.
freda_felcher says at November 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm
nobody has gotten a bj in cargo shorts since nam
billman says at November 29, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Hey guys, They make shorts other than cargo and Jorts
animalman says at November 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm
@urlacherchi Oh shit, true. I couldn’t see her face with the huge sunglasses and let’s be honest, all I did was stare at her tits.
tornopen says at November 29, 2012 at 1:12 pm
if any of you really think cargo shorts are bad fashion, chances are pretty good, you like to suck a dick (not that there is anything wrong with that, free country).
Wearing cargo shorts/pants to take the kids hiking or make a Costco run (yes, that’s what married fathers do, we go to Costco), or sit around the soccer field with other parents is cool. Wearing cargo pants to your niece’s baptism or friend’s wedding is white thrash.
And before you all shit on the married fathers who are sitting in their little white collar cubicle jobs, go fuck yourself.
What do you think your college degree in MIS/CS leads you to? Stable job to support a family. Bar hopping with friends get real old once you hit 30. Frat boys don’t live forever.
What do you think all your little titty princess girlfriends want? They want to carry your babies and sit around and watch Homeland & Dexter with you on Sunday nights.
I am sure Big Cat and his boys are so cool rolling around chasing Chicago heffers sucking dick in a cubs jersey.
Falcon Boy 4 President says at November 29, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Surprised there were no “No ones gotten a hand job in cargos since nam” quote. Also cargo shorts are equivalent to the zip pants that can be shorts or pants
pj18 says at November 29, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Tornopen you just said there’s nothing wrong with sucking dick and you wear cargo shorts. You’re a fag.
pj18 says at November 29, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Falcon Boy – not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not but I said that as one of the first comments.
tornopen says at November 29, 2012 at 1:26 pm
@pj18 — i just don’t want to come off as some homophobic asshole.
billman says at November 29, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Tornopen, big cat specifically said fathers should wear cargo shorts. Settle down cheech, now one judges you, we know your life sucks
noonecares says at November 29, 2012 at 1:27 pm
ass in pic #4 made it move, hope that’s a woman
tornopen says at November 29, 2012 at 1:29 pm
pj18 — probably wears skinny jeans to the beach, and shops at vintage clothing stores, wool sweaters and some ironic hipster douchebag shirt.
tornopen says at November 29, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Considering Big Cat dresses like Turtle from Entourage (except with cheap walmart knockoffs)…. his opinion on this is shit.
NJD123 says at November 29, 2012 at 2:03 pm
As soon as you start giving a fuck about what other men are wearing, you might as well shoot yourself or embrace your gayness.
above_the_clouds says at November 29, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Reading these comments made me realize how out of touch with reality so many people are. I wear cargo shorts because what else can I wear, skinny jeans or jean shorts? Chinese graphic ts? I wear cargo shorts when I golf what else should I wear?
Who fucking wears cargo shorts golfing? Have you idiots never heard of khaki shorts? You don’t need to wear skinny shorts or cargos, they are pretty standard and normal. Wearing cargos right now is the same as the people from 10 years ago still wearing long jean shorts. It has past.
Here’s a look I bet a lot of you pull off: polo shirt, cargo shorts, and birkenstocks or doc martens, right?
annarborisawhore says at November 29, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Obviously a polarizing issue for the stoolies. We need a vote
wilburham says at November 29, 2012 at 8:21 pm
Fratholic you need to take a gun and blow your head off. You’d be doing our country a great honor
wilburham says at November 29, 2012 at 8:22 pm
Claiming the northeast is behind on anything besides college football is the most delusion statement ever written on the stool
BdayUmich says at November 29, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I rock the cargo shorts at least once a week living in Arizona and I really don’t give a shit who thinks I’m a tool. Comfortable, practical and the 100% opposite of those metrosexual skinny jeans gay guys wear. Only guys like above_the_clouds would take up rating guys… not hot chicks, but GUYS.. on what they wear. Dude is as queer as a football bat. Relax there Joan Rivers, I have regular shorts too. Go back to your recorded season 1 of Project Runway and stop worrying about what actual men are doing.
jackofspades says at November 29, 2012 at 8:32 pm
I just played Pebble Beach and The Wynn in Vegas…nobody was wearing cargo shorts…they’re actually not even allowed
shanno11 says at November 29, 2012 at 2:42 pm
cargo shorts are allowed when golfing. you can hold all your extra balls (that you will inevitably need after you shank yours into the woods) tees and ball markers while still hanging onto your phone, keys, and wallet comfortably.
pfo says at November 29, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Fact: over the pants hand jobs are about as far as one can go wearing cargos. If anyone achieves anything more they’re hookin up with grade A dirt legs.
crash1600 says at November 29, 2012 at 2:54 pm
If you need to hold extra balls in cargo shorts while golfing then you need to quit golf. Keep extra balls in the bag and one extra in your pocket. Phone, tin and wallet can go in the bag too, so that logic is completely flawed. If you wear cargo shorts to golf, you automatically suck at golf and life.
jackchop says at November 29, 2012 at 2:58 pm
If your trying to impress, cant wear the cargo shorts, gotta clean that shit up. If youre just pounding some beers, and not trying to look good (like if your not at a bar or something), cargo shorts are the way to go. Comfortable as hell and ultimate capacity for holding beers. Can’t go wrong there
tornopen says at November 29, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Big Cat giving fashion advice is like Neil giving you MMA training tips.
honeybadger says at November 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm
HEY! QUIT TAKING THE HANDJOB LINE FROM SUPERBAD. YOU AREN’T ORIGINAL OR FUNNY.
shredding says at November 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Cargo shorts are for peasants
creepster says at November 29, 2012 at 4:59 pm
what other kind of shorts are out there? seriously. i usually wear a bathing suit all summer or cargos. im confused.
melvinbratton says at November 29, 2012 at 5:23 pm
All of you people defending cargo shorts are a bunch of mouth-breathing retards. Do you have any idea how fucking moronic you look wearing them? What does anybody actually need gigantic pockets on the sides of your shorts for? Are you keeping your pet lizard in there? Or is it your can of axe body spray? I never thought I’d read so many comments from people showcasing such stupidity, “what other kinds of shorts are there?” I don’t know, how about 90% of the shorts they make, you know, the ones without the stupid looking pockets on them. Whatever, I guess its hard for me to understand the appeal of cargo shorts, I didn’t go to public school.
Baby Faced Assassin says at November 29, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Clubber doesn’t strike me as the type to ever wear cargo shorts
Cool HHHWhip says at November 29, 2012 at 5:45 pm
I’ve been to Chicago several times…I’ll get my fashion advice elsewhere.
There are no Black People in Brockton says at November 29, 2012 at 6:29 pm
The guys who wear cargo shorts ARE the same guys wearing those sparkly affliction t-shirts.
There are no Black People in Brockton says at November 29, 2012 at 6:30 pm
Preach Melvin, preach. Fuck cargo shorts and public schools.
rpw50222 says at November 29, 2012 at 6:42 pm
People arguing that the only alternative to cargo shorts are jorts or skinny jeans befuddles me. Anything wrong with regular khaki shorts? of various colors? like with normal pockets and not the extra pockets on the outer legs? I haven’t had cargo shorts since I was 10 and won’t go back because they make more male clothes than just “cargo shorts, jorts, and skinny jeans.”
slutnuts4 says at November 30, 2012 at 2:45 am
actual golf courses dont allow cargos. and those who say carry extra balls etc. you have a bag for a reason. why do you want shit shifting around mid thigh in your golf swing. that said running errands in summer cargos/ khakis/ ball shorts; clean is all that matters
tornopen says at November 29, 2012 at 9:19 pm
@melvinbratton — how moronic do you look with those plaid gay ass fucking shorts?
westiesucks says at November 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm
As a man you need somewhere to put your tin
pj18 says at November 29, 2012 at 11:15 pm
Yeah Tornopen since you’re a fag and wear cargo shorts because apparently no other shorts exist other than jorts that means I wear skinny jeans to the beach. Good one.
toro says at November 29, 2012 at 11:59 pm
@fratoholic.. first off kill yourself for calling yourself a “Frat-o-Holic” and second off you and your homosexual pastel shorts and boat shoes can suck a cock
NJD123 says at November 30, 2012 at 8:01 am
Must be some northeast closet homo thing to not wear cargo shorts. As the man in Arizona and California stated, they are year round in certain areas. Florida they are everywhere.
And yes, we have “real” golf courses down here.
Do the extra pockets really bother your metrosexual selves that much? Fucking laughable bunch of women on here.
Finn McCool says at November 30, 2012 at 9:32 am
I believe that the regular style of shorts is known as Bermuda. They can of course be khaki or plaid or ball-hugging or loose fitting. Whatever way you go, cargos and jorts are a no-no for post-college non-rednecks. Let’s hear it for Bermuda shorts!
Medways Finest says at November 30, 2012 at 10:06 am
“I DIDN’T GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL” is the funniest comment I’ve read on here.
Guys legitimately commenting on another guy’s wardrobe is really really strange.
pippenainteasy says at November 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm
these comments have made me lose a lot of respect for the stoolies. you just can’t rock cargo shorts, cannot do it. and this dad, tornopen, talking about how it’s gay to go hit bars with your boys in khakis and trying to slay smokes, what the fuck? that’s what we call “the dream.” kids and a wife = cargo nightmare. smokes and booze= khaki dream.
amcgowan32 says at December 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Cargo shorts are for poor GDIs plain and simple
YESisfubar says at December 3, 2012 at 8:15 am
leave the cargos off the golf course
nugsanonymous says at December 6, 2012 at 12:34 am
these bitches would see past the cargos http://womenofnoshavenovember.tumblr.com/