I took last week off to hunt big exotic game in the Serengeti, so my apologies to the 5 or 6 of you that actually want to read about the Cubs. We just got swept by the hopelessly bad Diamondbacks so let’s just not go there right now. Instead, I want to introduce this past weekend’s biggest hardos – a vague, impromptu designation that means exactly what you think. Let’s take a look at our nominees
(1) Sand Volleyball Charity Try-Hard: As some of you know, Jay Cutler hosted a charity volleyball tourney this past Friday. And as you can imagine, Barstool was put in the group of death for pool play. After all you gotta make it fair for everyone. Anyways, we’re playing the U.S. Men’s National Team, or something like that, and just getting the ever god loving shit kicked out of us. Granted, being 10 hard ciders deep didn’t help the cause. (Bonus hardo of the week nominee: commenter ripping the consumption of free hard cider when only other option was water.) But I’m not here to make excuses. I’m here to shame a professional volleyball player running a train on us at a 6 on 6 charity sand volleyball tourney at North Avenue Beach on a Friday morning. This guy basically fired off 10 straight aces as he should because remember he does it for a living whereas Dante Big Cat and myself DJ, write blogs and make sausage for a living respectively. Sick serves bro. In any event, after 10 straight aces, the guy said, “Wow at this point I think I just feel bad for you guys” and proceeded to send the next serve 75 yards out of bounds. As in “Here you go, little brothers. I’m getting bored playing with you.” Well let me ask you something you awkwardly tall, socially inept, 130 pound wanna-be European mother fucker – when’s the last time you vine’d a Yabo? Or when’s the last time someone asked you if YOU knew Big Cat? Or got a snapchat from WhiteSoxDave? Or got mentioned by KFC on twitter? Yeah that’s what I thought you little bitch. Now go fetch me another ice cold cider.
(2) Colby Lewis Enforcing Un-Written Rule That’s Un-Written Because It Doesn’t Exist: This one’s pretty ugly. Colby Lewis was doing his best Colby Lewis impersonation Saturday afternoon in Toronto, which meant drastically laboring through 5 innings of ugly, agonizing, awful baseball. It also meant starting shit with Colby Rasmus over a 5th inning bunt single during a 2-0 ball game. You see, Rasmus is what some people would call a pull hitter. (Insert spray chart.)
And typically you shift against a pull hitter like Colby Rasmus. Right? So that’s what Texas did, and this is what happened:
Colby Lewis let cooler heads prevail though, and issued an apology immediately after the game. Haha just kidding. He kept bitching because that’s presumably what people named Colby do when things don’t go their way. They bitch.
“I told [Rasmus] I didn’t appreciate it,” Lewis said. “You’re up by two runs with two outs and you lay down a bunt. I don’t think that’s the way the game should be played.” … “I felt like you have a situation where there is two outs, you’re up two runs, you have gotten a hit earlier in the game off me, we are playing the shift, and he laid down a bunt basically simply for average,” Lewis said.
How selfish! Nevermind that Lewis was about 15-20 pounds away from being able to make the play. We’re talking about unwritten rules here and unwritten rules don’t give a fuck about things like average or sound strategy. At least of course not while Colby Lewis has a say in the matter.
(3) Fernando Rodney For Reasons Other Than How He Wears A Baseball Hat: 5 out saves are tough to come by, which is generally why you reserve any and all choreographed celebrations for that 5th and final out. After all, no one gets laid for holding down the 8th inning lead when there are 9 innings worth of baseball. And even more so when you play for Seattle. Don’t tell that to Fernando Rodney, though, who spared no time in stringing his bow and arrow routine against the Angels this Sunday after pitching out of an 8th inning jam. Rodney didn’t just celebrate though – he taunted. Specifically, he taunted Mike Trout and the rest of the Angels dugout because why the fuck not? If you want to be the best, you have to beat or taunt the best, so going after Mike Trout makes all the sense in the world. Only problem is Rodney had to face Trout/Pujols/Hamilton to seal the win. Wonder how that turned out?
Wait for it…
That’s the perfect fairytale ending in my book. The lesson? Knock that shit off.