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Guinness Is Super Pissed At Me For Not Taking Him To Dog Day At The Cell

 

 

This is Guinness.  Guinness loves to frolic at the dog park with other dogs, a really social pooch.  If you’re wondering what kind of dog Guinness is, he’s half Blue Heeler, quarter Labrador and quarter Boxer.  Now I know what you’re thinking: “Guntsoxdave, only an asshole would name their dog after a beer you lardass.”  You’re probably right, but that’s neither here nor there.  Do you know how pissed Guinness is at me right now?  Poor guy feels betrayed.  His master and best friend neglected to take him to dog day at the Cell.  Sure, I completely checked out of baseball weeks ago and have turned my attention to Northwestern, the Bears, being the most diehard fair weather Blackhawks fan possible, but I still feel like I let Guinness down, even though anyone who brings a dog to a Major League baseball game is a giant asshole, as much of a good business idea as it may be.

 

Regardless of me being a poor owner, let’s take a look at some of the other pups at the park this Monday.

 

 

I think this is a hairy version of a Chihuahua or some shit.  Whatever it is, it isn’t a dog.  It’s owner though?  Would smash.

 

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Remember how I said that if you bring your dog to a baseball game you’re an asshole?  Well that counts for double if you bring this dog:

 

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How pissed off is this old guy?  Looks miserable.  Probably thinking to himself “goddamnit please just euthanize me, I cannot take one more second of my asshole master, his twat wife and little shithead daughter any longer!”

 

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This guy looks like he is probably a pretty good athlete.  In fact I bet if you stuck him in RF in place of Viciedo the Sox would improve defensively tenfold.

 

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Is this a dog or a fucking horse?  Fucking thing is a monster.  I don’t watch the Sox unless Sale is pitching anymore, but I heard that this guy took a massive dump in the bullpen and Ventura mistook it for Belisario on Monday.  Pretty easy mistake if you ask me.

 

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Oh herro! Can I take your dog for a wok???  This is the exact kinda dog I picture when I think of the old Asian dog eating stereotype.  If I were these dogs I’d almost rather be butchered up in the back of a Chinese restaurant than have to sit through 9 innings of September White Sox baseball, but it also looks like they’re super fucking dumb and are acting happier than a pig in shit, so hey, what do I know?

 

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Holy shit this dog means business.  Something tells me he’s not too far from home either and probably lives just a couple of blocks south of the Cell.  For whatever reason I have a feeling his owner’s name is Tyrone, G-Ice or something of the sort, and he’s entered into nightly contests against other dogs where he has won Tyrone and G-Ice a lot of money.  Intimidating as fuck.  This dalmatian doesn’t know what it’s getting itself into, but if the dalmation is a female you can count on this rot weiler being balls deep by the 7th inning stretch, only to never talk to her or their litter of puppies ever again.

 

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And so concludes my blog about bringing dogs to a baseball game.  Oh, and by the way, Chris Sale is ridiculously good at pitching, fuck you guys:

 

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By whitesoxdave posted September 10th, 2014 at 11:15 AM

Reports Saying The NFL Is About To Raise The Testing Threshold For Marijuana, Would Immediately Bring Back 20 Players This Season Including Josh Gordon

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*Furiously clicks to fantasy league, sees that Josh Gordon was picked up 3 days ago, pounds fist on table*

 

My guess is that scene will be playing out across America about 10 trillion times today.

 

 

 

Hey guy, relllllaxxxx

 

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By Big Cat posted September 10th, 2014 at 10:55 AM

Cheesies Pub And Grub In Lakeview Is In Trouble After Tweeting Out A “Knockout Discount Deal” And Calling It The Ray Rice

 

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(Source) The tweet comes after NFL running back Ray Rice was released by the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the league Monday after a shocking video surfaced showing the football star knocking out his then-future wife in a casino elevator in Feburary. Cheesie’s has since apologized on its social media account, stating that a “disgruntled ex-employee” posted the tweet. Cheesie’s general manager Chance Lydick said once he learned of the tweet it was immediately deleted from the bar’s Twitter account.

“Multiple sources” told Lydick that a disgruntled ex-employee was responsible for the tweet, he said. Although Cheesie’s social media manager was not believed to have composed the tweet, that employee was fired after the Rice tweet, Lydick said. The social media manager should have changed its passwords to restrict access to the account, he said. “We do not condone this behavior, we do not condone Ray Rice, we do not condone domestic violence,” Lydick said. “We pride ourselves on being the kind of place that everyone wants to be and now being associated with that is absolutely disheartening to us.” Cheesie’s will now hire an independent social media company to manage its accounts and it plans a charitable fundraiser with a domestic violence center.

 

 

Well that probably wasn’t the best way to get new business in the door! No one can beat our prices, not even Ray Rice who beats everything, including women, yeah! Come eat grilled cheese.

 

I will say this though, the apology seems like a little too much no? You’re a fucking grilled cheese place, you’re not the UN, hiring a social media manager to tweet out about french fries and sandwiches and giving money to a domestic violence center is going just a little too far. I mean I’m all for donating money but let’s call a spade a spade here, you’re doing it solely to clear your conscience. I really don’t think anyone was going to boycott you after one tweet either. You’re not the NFL or Centerplate. You’re a place that people go to when they’re drunk coming home from Wrigleyville. I wouldn’t even have the effort to boycott you if I wanted to. Sure the tweet was in poor taste but I just can’t muster enough outrage in my body to form a lasting opinion about Cheesie’s Pub and Grub and I don’t think I’m in the minority here.

By Big Cat posted September 10th, 2014 at 10:33 AM

Man Accused Of Serenading Woman With His Guitar At A Gas Station And Then Whipping His Dick

 

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UPDATE: The Edmond Police Department says they have identified the man who is accused of exposing himself while playing the guitar.Detectives are speaking with him but no arrests have been made.

EDMOND, Okla. – Edmond Police are searching for a man accused of exposing himself to a young woman. It happened Sunday evening outside of an Edmond gas station near Danforth and Bryant. Police say before the indecent act the suspect serenaded the woman with a guitar. Despite her surprise at what was happening, she managed to take a picture of the suspect and has now given it to police. Jenny Monroe, with the Edmond Police Department, said, “We always say follow your gut, your gut instinct.”

Police say the woman was vacuuming her car outside of the convenience store when a young man pulled up behind her. Monroe said, “She thought he was waiting for the vacuum as well.” According to police the man got out of his SUV and started talking to the woman. Monroe said, “He started talking to her, asking personal questions about herself, her name and that kind of thing.” It started out innocent enough but after a few minutes the conversation took a strange turn. Police say the suspect told her she was “the kind of girl” for him.

The woman says he also told her he graduated from UCO and he was a musician. They say he then pulled out a guitar and started serenading her. That was when she snapped a photo of the man. Monroe said, “Her gut instinct was that something was not right here.” What happened next shocked the young woman. Monroe said, “He pulled his shorts down and exposed himself, while playing the guitar for her.” According to the police report he then “asked her something about if she liked it.” The woman quickly jumped in her car and sped off. Police say the woman’s decision to snap the photo will hopefully help them to catch up with the man.

Monroe said, “In this scenario, having the picture puts us farther ahead in the case than it would if we just had a description of him.” Police say he appears to be a white male in his early or mid 20’s, approximately 5’09” 160lbs, blue eyes and brown hair. Police say the man was driving a tan Chevy Blazer. If you have any information you are asked to call Edmond Police.

 

 

 

 

Just a CLASSIC Guitar Guy. The absolute worst. You all know who I’m talking about too. He’s the guy in college that would sit in the middle of campus with his guitar out strumming to no one in particular and everyone in general. Hey look at me I know how to play an instrument come have sex with me. And that’s the problem with guitar guys, they all think because they can play the beginning of Smells like teen spirit or a little Dashboard Confessional that they automatically should get their dick sucked. Not saying chicks don’t get tricked by guitar guys all the time, they definitely do, but this instance is exactly why guitar guys can’t be trusted. Because the minute their sweet riffs aren’t working they whip their dick out and start acting like a creep. They have no plan B once their cheap parlor tricks run out. They think they are owed something because they know how to play a G chord. Get the fuck out of my face guitar guy. Go try and be funny for once instead of hitting on girls with smoke and mirrors.

 

 

 

By Big Cat posted September 10th, 2014 at 10:01 AM

Jeremy Lin Spent An Afternoon Pretending To Be A Wax Figurine, Pranking People At A Wax Museum

 

 

Is it weird that I just assume this is what happens at every wax museum? Like who even goes to wax museums anyway? Hey lets go spend our afternoon looking at mannequins. Won’t that be such a hoot! Sounds awful right? So you can’t convince me that people don’t go specifically expecting this to happen. You go to a wax museum to get pranked by a celebrity not to actually look at wax. Wax Museum 101.

 

 

I love watching Asians get scared. I don’t know what it is. It’s like black people watching magic shows, something about it is so perfect. Their reactions are so genuine and shocked.

 

 

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This chick with the “I got dunked on by Jeremy Lin and no I want him to call me so we can fuck” face of the century.

 

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By Big Cat posted September 10th, 2014 at 9:25 AM

Britney Spears Went On Fallon Last Night And She’s Looking Hot Again

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Just when I think I’m out, she pulls me back in. Britney Spears is like an old sports star you used to root for as a kid. The memories and nostalgia are so deep and engrained in your brain that any performance is automatically elevated a few points. Like an old baseball player making one last comeback. She may not be able to hit like she used to but her mere presence puts asses in the seats. Just too much history to be cast aside. If you’re a guy in between the ages of 24 and 32 and Britney Spears wasn’t a part of your childhood in some shape or form then you’re not a guy. I’ll always be interested when they trot Britney back out for a shitty bit on Fallon. Always.

 

 

 

By Big Cat posted September 10th, 2014 at 8:40 AM

Foul Ball In Detroit, Time For A Tit Grab!

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Hot potato hot potato, whoops how did my hand up here??? Crazy how that happened!
By Big Cat posted September 9th, 2014 at 9:12 PM

Jerry Jones Being Sued For Sexual Assault By Woman Who Took Those Creepy Pictures With Him

 

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(Source) A former exotic dancer on Monday sued Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, accusing him of sexual assault after a June 2009 incident in a local hotel. Jana Weckerly, 27, from Ardmore, Okla., said Jones fondled her genitals, forced her to touch or rub his penis, and required she watch as the 71-year-old Jones received oral sex from another woman. Weckerly is seeking more than $1 million in punitive damages.

She was not available for comment Tuesday. Her Dallas attorney Thomas Bowers said his client is in counseling and is taking medicine to help her cope with trauma from the incident. Bowers would not say how Jones forced Weckerly to submit to the alleged assault.

The encounter between Jones and the three women was first detailed in a rambling manifesto by a Wichita, Kan., man, Frank Hoover, last month. He included three photos of the Cowboys owner and two women in sexually seductive poses. Weckerly did not appear in any of the photos. She took them with her cell phone. Jones said the photos “misrepresented” what happened that night, but would not answer questions about the incident. Jones did not immediately respond to requests for comment Tuesday.

The lawsuit also alleges Jones conspired to cover up the incident by forcing Weckerly to sign an agreement to conceal the alleged assault. Bowers said Tuesday the sexual assault happened in a bathroom of a local five-star hotel. Afterward, Jones and Weckerly went to a dance floor where the Cowboys owner allegedly continued his advances. “After apparently too much resistance from Weckerly, Jones did what perhaps billionaires do,” Bowers wrote in a news release. “He had his large personal security men lift Weckerly and the two other women from the ground and pack them out of the club.” Bowers said Jones started out as a friendly guy with a desire to party. At one point, he offered to put his Super Bowl ring on Weckerly’s finger. The attorney also said Jones posed with a kneeling woman after she spent “special time” with him. His shirt was out and his pants were unzipped.

 

 

 

Little good news bad news Double J. Bad news is you’re going to have to pay a pretty penny to get yourself out of this little bit of whatever the fuck went down. This has “settled out of court for undisclosed amount” written all over it. Now to the good news, what a fucking week to have this go down. Jerry Jones grabbing some Titties in the club is all the way down the list on shit people are talking about. So at least you’ve got that going for you Jerry, which is nice.

 

 

Forcing people to watch you get your dick sucked is such a savage move.

 

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By Big Cat posted September 9th, 2014 at 6:35 PM
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