— whitesoxdave (@chisoxbarstool) June 14, 2014
This is Guinness. Guinness loves to frolic at the dog park with other dogs, a really social pooch. If you’re wondering what kind of dog Guinness is, he’s half Blue Heeler, quarter Labrador and quarter Boxer. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Guntsoxdave, only an asshole would name their dog after a beer you lardass.” You’re probably right, but that’s neither here nor there. Do you know how pissed Guinness is at me right now? Poor guy feels betrayed. His master and best friend neglected to take him to dog day at the Cell. Sure, I completely checked out of baseball weeks ago and have turned my attention to
Northwestern, the Bears, being the most diehard fair weather Blackhawks fan possible, but I still feel like I let Guinness down, even though anyone who brings a dog to a Major League baseball game is a giant asshole, as much of a good business idea as it may be.
Regardless of me being a poor owner, let’s take a look at some of the other pups at the park this Monday.
I think this is a hairy version of a Chihuahua or some shit. Whatever it is, it isn’t a dog. It’s owner though? Would smash.
Remember how I said that if you bring your dog to a baseball game you’re an asshole? Well that counts for double if you bring this dog:
How pissed off is this old guy? Looks miserable. Probably thinking to himself “goddamnit please just euthanize me, I cannot take one more second of my asshole master, his twat wife and little shithead daughter any longer!”
This guy looks like he is probably a pretty good athlete. In fact I bet if you stuck him in RF in place of Viciedo the Sox would improve defensively tenfold.
Is this a dog or a fucking horse? Fucking thing is a monster. I don’t watch the Sox unless Sale is pitching anymore, but I heard that this guy took a massive dump in the bullpen and Ventura mistook it for Belisario on Monday. Pretty easy mistake if you ask me.
Oh herro! Can I take your dog for a wok??? This is the exact kinda dog I picture when I think of the old Asian dog eating stereotype. If I were these dogs I’d almost rather be butchered up in the back of a Chinese restaurant than have to sit through 9 innings of September White Sox baseball, but it also looks like they’re super fucking dumb and are acting happier than a pig in shit, so hey, what do I know?
Holy shit this dog means business. Something tells me he’s not too far from home either and probably lives just a couple of blocks south of the Cell. For whatever reason I have a feeling his owner’s name is Tyrone, G-Ice or something of the sort, and he’s entered into nightly contests against other dogs where he has won Tyrone and G-Ice a lot of money. Intimidating as fuck. This dalmatian doesn’t know what it’s getting itself into, but if the dalmation is a female you can count on this rot weiler being balls deep by the 7th inning stretch, only to never talk to her or their litter of puppies ever again.
And so concludes my blog about bringing dogs to a baseball game. Oh, and by the way, Chris Sale is ridiculously good at pitching, fuck you guys: