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Does This Look Like The Fa— WAIT A SECOND WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE BRO?!

 

Source - One of three men originally charged in the killing of a Centerville man whose body was dumped in a river has pleaded guilty to lesser charges in exchange for his testimony, according to prosecutors and court records. Daniel Lee Slaton, 36, was sentenced March 22 to 30 years without the possibility of parole for aggravated battery, kidnapping and tampering with evidence in connection with the 2012 beating and strangulation of 25-year-old Justin Arthur Klaffka, court records show. The other charges of malice murder, felony murder and aggravated assault were dismissed, while the charge of kidnapping with bodily injury was reduced to the lesser charge of kidnapping, court records show.

Goo! It’s pretty rare when a case comes up and a dude testifying against his own brother in a murder they both committed is completely overshadowed by something else but that’s exactly what happened here. Yeah yeah whatever, someone died, it happens, what the fuck is going on with your face man? That eye looks like it’s hitting Turn 2 at Daytona and making a bee-line for the back of his head or something. Pretty sure there’s an indent of another nose right to the left of his original nose. The soul patch / mustache combo looks like it was shaved by… well I guess by him actually since it’s so off-center. Just a scrambled mess of a face all the way around. Probably wasn’t too hard for the prosecution to figure out this Rooster Cogburn bastard didn’t pull off the caper of the century.
By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Just Some Dude In China Who Got Hammered Drunk And Decided To Crawl Across Some Power Lines

 

SourceThe list of things not to do when you’re intoxicated is a long one, starting with “Drive a car” and “Draw a penis on someone’s face,” but “Hang from power lines” has to make the top five. A reportedly drunk man in China somehow escaped injury after climbing a power pole and making his way onto the cables, hanging there for more than 15 minutes. The man — who later told firefighters he’d been “in a bad mood” — drew a crowd, which gasped and shouted as he fell onto a second set of wires, eventually dropping unhurt onto an inflatable cushion. Medical staffers said his only injury was “the excessive alcohol in his body.”

 

Living in China officially makes people lose their goddamn minds. Every facet of their society is full of people who take ordinary tasks and just butcher them beyond all comprehension. Like forget about the guy who had a few drinks at the bar and 2 hours later was blackout drunk dangling from power lines, how about the guy who went up there after him? Dude what the fuck is wrong with you? You gonna carry him down or something? Just throw 110 lbs of dead-weight Chinaman on your back and scale back down a telephone pole? Maybe crescent kick him in the face and hope he falls and doesn’t snap a wire and electrocute you like you’re Cyrus in Con Air? Hey here’s an idea, how about you get a tranquilizer gun, shoot Mr. Miyagi in the face, let him drop and hope he doesn’t knock out your cable connection for too long. Anything else is just wasted energy.

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Trestman Making The Bears Pick Locker Room Assignments At Random To Promote More Team Unity

Source - The Bears have a new coaching staff and several new players. But that’s not the only reason that introductions will be necessary this week when the team begins its voluntary offseason program. In an effort directed by first-year head coach Marc Trestman to build team unity, players’ lockers have been randomly moved around, mixing members of the offense with their counterparts on defense. Previously, lockers were arranged by position group.

“The locker room was set up in a way that segments were together,” Trestman said. “We’ve all been in places like that. I just see our segments being together in meetings all the time and I want the guys to have an opportunity to get to know their teammates a little bit better. So it was basically just throw them all in a hat and pull them out and see what showed up.”

 

Look Marc Trestman looks like a great coach. Definitely the right guy to bring in and innovate and revitalize the offensive side of the ball. And I don’t know anyone who is against creating more team chemistry wherever possible. But this shit feels like Summer Camp. Jay have you met James Anderson yet? No? Well that’s no problem, you guys are locker buddies now. Martellus have you met Lance Briggs? No worries now he’s your best friend and you’ll be bunking together. The whole thing seems too forced. The guys that make up an NFL locker room are grown men. If they get along, which most of them will no account of being a team, great. If some don’t, oh well. You don’t need to hold Ice Breakers like it’s the first day of school. Not to mention the old way of grouping players by position makes sense. Those are your most direct professional colleagues. Cutler and Josh McCown should be sitting next to or near each other. They share the same craft. Just like James Anderson and Briggs should sit near each other so they can have easy access to one another. There’s just no need to go out of your way and force relationships that wouldn’t spring up organically.

Of course this is probably just an over-reaction and means nothing but if they start busting out name tags and singing Kumbaya and shit it might be time to worry.

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Fast And The Furious, Volume: Russia

 

Sweet rice burner dude. Really tore up that Russian Wal-Mart parking lot like a fucking champ.

Just a side note, there’s something intoxicating about that sound when he hits the wall. The lights and the hood smashing together at the same time. Just one of those unexplainable things. Kinda like how if I could get high on gasoline all day long I would in a heartbeat because it smells so damn good.

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Oh Nice, Flash Mobs In Chicago Are Back, Really Missed Those

:28 seconds for the most stuck up woman of all time.

(Source) More than two dozen teens were arrested Saturday night after dozens of groups began randomly attacking pedestrians on Chicago’s Magnificent Mile. Police responded to reports of disturbances around 6:30 p.m. Saturday near Michigan and Chicago avenues. They said a number of teens took to the streets and started fighting. Police said 28 teens were arrested during the incident and charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct and battery and later released, according to Police News Affairs. Eleven other teens were charged with misdemeanor charges after they allegedly attacked a group of women on the Chicago Transit Authority’s Red Line, police said.

“You have over three to four hundred teenagers with mob action, jumping on individuals that are downtown,” community activist Andrew Holmes said. “Multiple people have been arrested and I caution those parents that get this call about your child being arrested — maybe you need to check your child.” Officers began breaking up the attacks by ushering teens to the Red Line. Chaos continued underground but many attackers reportedly left the area. “I just saw a cluster run down to the Red Line,” CTA passenger Amanda Dobson said. “I didn’t know what was going on. I just kind of stepped back and let the police do what they needed to do.”

 

2 things from this story/video. 1) These flash mobs fucking suck. I mean I don’t really care, because anyone who knows Chicago knows that if you’re standing outside the McDonald’s/L Stop on Chicago Ave you’re in the wrong place. But they still suck. But as bad as they are, and they are bad, I honestly don’t think I hate anyone in the world more than this chick.

“I Pay 17 THOUSAND dollars in property taxes”

This chick can go right ahead and fuck herself. Honestly. There is nothing worse than the guy/girl that finds it necessary to let the world know how much money they make. It might be the scummiest move of all time. It’s number 1 on the “I’m a raging asshole” list. I wanted to hate these teenagers, I clicked play on this video fully intending to do so, but I just ended up boiling over with rage looking at this stuck up chick’s face. She pulled the impossible. She made me forget about a bunch of punk teenagers marauding around the city intimidating tourists. Way to go lady. You are somehow worse than a flash mob. I don’t know how you did it but you did. Kudos. That’s a special level of douchebag rarely attained.
h/t thatcher.
By Big Cat posted April 2nd, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Vanessa

Introducing Vanessa from UIC. UIC and U of I pulling out the big guns this week. Wonder if Depaul, Columbia and company can make a run at the end of the week…

We need more Smokes to start coming in. Shoot us a line at Chicagotips@barstoolsports.com and include a Facebook link with a name and we’ll take it from there. 100% anonymous on your part.

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 5:30 PM

The NBA Just Retroactively Charged Taj With A Flagrant On LeBron From Last Week’s Game

 

ESPNThe NBA upgraded one of Taj Gibson‘s fouls on LeBron James to a flagrant, but it wasn’t one of the two fouls James complained about after the Chicago Bulls snapped the Miami Heat‘s win streak March 27 at the United Center. Gibson caught James across the neck and shoulder on a play in the fourth quarter, and James said after the game that he didn’t consider Gibson’s foul to be a basketball play. He also complained about Kirk Hinrich taking him to the ground in the first quarter. Neither of those plays was called a flagrant, although Gibson’s was reviewed. It was a Gibson foul with 2:37 left in the first quarter that was upgraded, and the upgrade was met with surprise in the Bulls’ locker room Sunday night after their win over the Detroit Pistons. The South Florida Sun Sentinel reported the upgrade Saturday.

 

Unbelievable. Just a total give-in move by the league to appease it’s superstar because he whined and complained on his way out of the UC last week after he lost a tough game and got his streak snapped. And what’s really nuts is it wasn’t even the exact foul LeBron was talking about, the “non-basketball play” in the 4th quarter. It was a hard foul in mid-air in the first quarter on a drive to the lane. A play that is not a flagrant foul by whichever definition you use to determine flagrants. A play that happens to LeBron and any other attacking player at least once a night. It’s almost like a little kid pestering his parents for ice cream all day long while the parents are running errands and the parents eventually just give in and buy him a cookie. No it’s not ice cream but here’s a little something so you’ll shut the fuck up.

I enjoy watching LeBron play as much as anybody else in the league. Even more than D-Rose. He is a once in a lifetime talent and a champion. But he acts like neither.

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 12:10 PM

Hot Chicks And Hula Hoops That’s What Big Cat Does

 

I think people know by now I’m a man with simple tastes. I enjoy vomit videos, I own a handclaw, and I fancy myself somewhat of a Hula Hoop connoisseur. So naturally if a Hula Hoop video happens I need to be there. My wheelhouse is small, I can’t miss a fastball right down the middle.

 

Now to this film. I like it. I don’t love it but I like it. Ass was an A+, special effects/music/and actual hooping was a B-. I’m a firm but fair judge. You can’t just blow wind in my ear for 2 and a half minutes and expect me to throw around A+’s. I need to be touched physically, aurally, mentally, and spiritually. This didn’t go all the well.

 

Final Grade B+

 

 

PS
Professionally, I’m ok with this Venn Diagram.

 

h/t Joe

By Big Cat posted April 2nd, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Bubba Watson’s Hover Craft Golf Cart Is Awesome But It Makes Absolutely No Sense Whatsoever

 

Bubba touched on this but he completely undersold it, this hovercraft makes no sense for 1 reason. Why would anyone play golf when they can ride around in a Hovercraft? Once you put me in a hovercraft I’m staying in that hovercraft for the rest of time. Fuck getting out every 175 yards (yeah I drive the ball 175 yds, kinda impressive right?) to hit my ball. Its hovercraft and then nothing else. So this is completely impractical. It makes no sense. No one golfs in a hovercraft. You hovercraft in a hovercraft. It would be like having sex and stopping every minute to read a book. You don’t do the best thing in the world and then stop to do something else. Hovercraft beats everything. Hovercraft is basically the apex of civilization.

 

I will say one thing, I wish Rodney was alive for this, he loved mixing golf and technology.

 

 

PS
I’m starting to get a little over Bubba Watson and his golf bro’s whole schtick. Not there yet, just saying we’re trending that way.

 

h/t dan

By Big Cat posted April 2nd, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Some Homeless Who Lived In The Woods Won $50,000 Off The Illinois State Lottery

Source - A man who lives in a tent in Bloomington, Ill., won $50,000 off of a $1 scratch-off ticket from the Illinois State Lottery. Tribune columnist John Kass interviewed a DeKalb pastor Greg Davis, who was in line behind the homeless man named Dennis when he cashed in the winning ticket. 

Dennis hands her over the ticket. He spent his last dollar on that ticket. And he said to the girl, ‘Did I win anything?’ He had a very gruff voice. She looked at it, her eyes got wide. Really wide. As big as saucers. “‘Yes, sir,’ she said. ‘You just won $50,000.’ I thought the man was going to have a heart attack. ‘Wow,’ he kept saying. ‘Wow’ and ‘Are you sure? You’re not kidding me, are you?’ ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘$50,000.’” But Dennis didn’t believe it. So another clerk came up and examined the ticket. And that clerk said, yes, Dennis had won $50,000.

 

How sweet is that homeless’s tent house he built in the woods? Got a fire pit, some chairs to lounge in, a laundry area, what appears to be a baby stroller of some kind for whatever reason. Damn dude, you’re not homeless. You’re just poor as fuck. Like “I literally spent the last dollar to my name on a lottery ticket” poor.

Anyway, I wonder who’ll make their fortune last longer, Dennis the Homeless or the Dominican in NYC who won $338 million KFC’s been blogging about? If you think about it a homeless guy with $50,000 to blow is basically the same thing as a Dominican who just won $338 million. Dennis wants a trailer. The Dominican wants to pay child support, pay for everybody in New York’s rent and throw ballin’ Dominican block parties. In the end they’re both going to spend most of their dough on strippers and speed balls and nobody’s going to be shocked when Dennis is living in his tent again or the Dominican’s kids don’t have fresh clothes and school supplies come September. Gun to my head I say they both go out together on the same night, hit rock bottom and spend their last dollar on a losing lottery ticket and wind  up right back where they started.

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Is Obama The Only Black Guy In America Wearing Asics?

This  is from last year but he tweet this unreleased picture yesterday.

 

I don’t know why I have a problem with this but I do. Missing layups didn’t bother me. I figured Obama sucked at basketball. He probably hasn’t been honestly guarded in a game of pickup in over a decade. He plays at the White House or the East Bank Club, both can’t be considered intense games especially when everyone is probably taking it easy on him.  But this. This is inexcusable. No black guy should ever be wearing Aasics, period. Aasics are for 50 year old Suburban dads that have given up on life. They’re for overweight people who have need extra arch support for their fat gross knee’s. Not black guys and especially not the president. I just can’t have this.  Putin is hanging out with Seagal while Obama is rocking clown shoes and mom jeans. It’s embarrassing. I feel like less of a man, less of an American. Honestly, what’s the point of having a black president if he isn’t going to wear fresh kicks and be fresh to death? Black people are trendsetters. That’s what they do. If America wanted a nerd they would’ve elected Romney. Nothing worse than false advertising. I feel cheated.

 

Update – I can’t believe I spelled Asics, Aasics. Probably kills all my credibility as a journalist. Fucked up Big Cat, fucked up big time.

By Big Cat posted April 2nd, 2013 at 10:10 AM

This Guy Absolutely Crushed His Interview About The Possibility Of A Gay NFL Player With Adrian Peterson

Skip to 0:20 for the questions and the interviewer eating face


“Down goes Frazier!”

For those scoring at home any interviewer worth his salt would have a) Not fallen on his face and b) Stopped AP in his tracks the second he said the first gay player didn’t have to be black or white, he could be “Hispanic or Asian, who knows”. Uh, Asians don’t play football AP. Everyone knows that. Read a book bro.

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 9:37 PM

These Deer Are Pretty Gay

 

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just might have been a good idea to throw in a jab or a hook or something so it doesn’t look like you two are re-creating the Frank Ocean – Chris Brown fight from a few weeks ago. Treat it like boxing, stick and move, stick and move!

By neil posted April 2nd, 2013 at 9:30 AM

Swag On A Hundred Million

Don’t know this guy’s story. Don’t even want to know. Because honestly, he’s more bad to the bone than I’ll ever be, and I just need to accept that and move on.

By Big Cat posted April 2nd, 2013 at 9:08 PM
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