Mr. T Proves Yet Again That He Is The Most Electrifying Man In The History Of The World, Hawks Right The Ship
Right the ship is probably the incorrect saying here. It probably should read “Hawks do what they’re supposed to do and beat a terrible Calgary team”. Minus the two seemingly softies that Kiprusoff let in and a handful of Kane – esque moves last night was pretty boring. Emery looked good when we needed goaltending in the worst possible way, but then again the shots went 35-16 in our favor. Iginla, in his alleged audition, was essentially invisible and overall it was a very run of the mill night at the UC. Another two points. Another game closer to the playoffs and hopefully getting Hossa and Sharp back. Then again, did anyone expect the Hawks to take top billing when this man was in the house….
First of all. I have a question. Is Mr. T the only man on planet earth who can wear an Old Navy sweatshirt, a pair of dirty champion sweatpants, and a bandana and still look cool? Its almost like he’s trying to look as homeless as possible knowing that he’ll still be badass. He’s spitting in the eye of fashion. Put Mr. T in a Pancho and a diaper and he’ll still be the toughest guy in the room. Oozing machismo out of his $14.99 Sweatshirt.
Second, his performance. One word. WOW. My guess is Mr. T has never played a game of hockey in his life. Every few years someone snatches him from Lake Forest, brings him down to the UC, puts him on the ice and makes him shoot the puck. Which is all the more impressive. Practice for Mr. T is just seeing something, pitying it, and then destroying it. Puck never had a chance. Pity, boom, slotted. Mr. T, American hero, true performer, Chicago’s finest.
Oh also, heels on the ice is the universal symbol for “I’ll try anything once”
Hey bro, you’re scaring us.
Bears Lose Jason Campbell To The Browns Where He’ll Team Up With Kellen Davis And Just Dominate The League
Tribune - If Jason Campbell was looking to compete for a starting job, he might have found the best possible opportunity, signing a two-year contract with the Cleveland Browns on Tuesday. Campbell has 71 career starts since he was drafted 25th overall by the Washington Redskins in 2005, including stints with Oakland and last season in Chicago as Jay Cutler’s backup with the Bears. “Jason is an established leader who has started a number of games in this league and has had success,” said first-year head coach Rob Chudzinski. “He brings us a veteran presence and a good set of physical tools. He played in a similar system when he was in Oakland and that will help in his transition.”
I kinda like the way the Browns attack free agency. Fuck all the boring scouting stuff like looking at and studying game tape, doing in-depth break downs of a player’s strengths and weaknesses and analyzing his skill sets. That shit’s played out. Just take a bunch of scraps, throw em against a wall and hope something sticks up there. Oh you think it was a mistake drafting a 45 year old rookie Quarterback in Brandon Weeden last year? You think he sucks dick at playing in the NFL? You think we’re embarrassed about missing the chance to draft Russell Wilson 2 rounds later? Well fuck that because we’re bringing in Jason Campbell and having ourselves a good old fashioned shoot-out in training camp. Winner gets to chuck the rock to Kellen Davis all season who couldn’t catch a cold in an AIDS clinic. That’ll show the haters. The march to New York starts in Ohio baby.
What a bunch of clowns in Cleveland huh? I guess this clip aired live during the game and then they scrambled to take it down when the game got replayed a few hours later. Hey good one guys! Way to protect that key demographic. You know, the 18-35 year old guys who watch taped replays of meaningless Spring Training games and just hate the fuck out of watching lesbians throat each other. Wouldn’t want to shove that in anyone’s face.
Weird thing is I would kinda get it if it were gay dudes. Like obviously it’d still be wrong to censor but I would at least understand where they’re coming from since 99% of the people watching are straight guys. But whose complaining about chicks kissing? It’s not even a “It’s 2013″ thing. It could be fucking 3000 B.C. and I don’t think anybody would have a problem with chicks making out at a baseball game. Throw a bunch of lesbo’s in the Roman Colosseum and I bet Commodus throws that thumbs up so fast he pulls an oblique muscle. Just whacky times we’re living in.
PS – For the record there was nothing more annoying than Facebook crusaders posting Supreme Court gay marriage stuff yesterday. Everyone and their brother coming out of the wood work acting like they’re on the front lines. Hey idiots, we all agree. Only backwards thinking lunatics still think gay people shouldn’t get married. Get your ass to Washington and march and get off my news feed.
Nothing like a fake Bron injury when he realizes he’s about to lose.
And just like that it’s back to 1. Boston couldn’t do it. New York couldn’t stop them. LA had no chance. So naturally Chicago had to come in and save the day. Make it safe to watch ESPN again. Safe to listen to the radio without everyone on earth sucking Miami’s dick. Safe to live in this world without having to hear about how great Miami and Lebron are every second of every day. Someone had to shut up Lebron and Wade and Bosh and their silly little streak.
You’re welcome world.
Buckets. That’s what happened Bosh. Buckets.
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Hey it’s not a stereotype if it’s true.
PS – Bro put the fucking phone down. Relax for a minute. Breathe. A pole almost destroyed your face like 3 seconds ago. I swear you people are just so obsessed with technology it’s ridiculous.
Source - Casey Anthony is allegedly telling close friends that she is pregnant with another child and is thrilled at the chance to ‘prove’ that she is a good mother even after she was acquitted of killing her first daughter Caylee. The former murder suspect was in hiding since the July 2011 trial when she was found not guilty of killing her 2-year-old daughter, only appearing in public last week to declare bankruptcy. ‘Her eyes lit up when she told me that she was expecting, but she wouldn’t tell me who the baby’s father is,’ the source told The Enquirer.
Ohhh right, it didn’t work out too well for the last one. That’s a good reason.
How insane is this bitch saying how psyched she is about her chance to “prove she is a good mother”? Like that may be the most delusional fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life. As if she’s coming off an ACL tear and can’t wait to show the naysayers she can jump off her knee again or something. It’s like that scene in Knocked Up when that chick gets all mad at Seth Rogan. “Casey did you even read the baby books? Says right in there you shouldn’t get pregnant again when there’s a good chance you, uh, killed the first one”. Pretty much Being A Parent 101 stuff right there.
PS – Awkward City for that new kid growing up right? You know when your buddy is dating a girl that’s tapped in the skull and everyone talks about her when she isn’t around? Take that and multiply it by a billion for Casey Anthony’s kid 2.0
Bringing us back after a couple days of our Chicago Bliss smokes is Kelly, a transplant from Michigan who now models here in the Chi. And yes when we have Maxim girls as smokes we get a little lenient with the rules of only allowing candids.
Know a girl that should be a Smokeshow? Hit up our inbox at [email protected] and include a Facebook link. All submissions are 100% anonymous on your part so start nominating.
Airport Security Apprehends Chinese Woman Who Was Hiding Tadpoles In Her Mouth That She Received As A Gift From A Friend
Source – When airport security found a bottle of liquid in the woman’s carry-on luggage, they informed her that she’d either have to immediately drink or dispose of the liquid. The woman tipped back the small bottle and drank its contents, but security became suspicious when she refused to swallow. The woman eventually spit out was she was holding in her mouth: tadpoles! She told security that they were a gift from a friend she had been visiting while in China, but she was eventually convinced to discard of the small animals.
Wait a second. So this lady refused to swallow her drink of water before boarding a plane and it turned out there were tadpoles in there? Like inside here mouth swimming around? And she received them as a gift from a friend so she didn’t want to throw them away? What the fuck is wrong with this bitch? If my friend gave me tadpoles as a gift I’d hold them down and squish them up against their face. That is a terrible gift to give somebody. Like thanks a lot bro, now I have to look after and care for these spermy looking frogs for the next few years of my life. Sweet. Oh but first I have to throw together a makeshift aquarium in my fucking mouth so these assholes can swim around while I’m on my flight. As if flying could get any worse. Now my skull is a fish bowl for the next couple hours. Yeah fuck that how about I just re-gift this immediately, roll these suckers up and throw a 2-seam frog ball at your face. Fuckin’ dick.
I guess this is what it’s like to be trapped in inception. Because I’m 99.9% sure this is my idea. Someone is waiting for me to fall asleep at night and stealing my dreams. My stalking of GUTS champions is well documented at this point. This can’t be just a coincidence.
Anyway, paranoia of some Indian dream catcher/witch doctor aside, this is absolutely hysterical. Here are my top 5. If you want to see the rest you can go to the page here.
Once a rocker, always a rocker.
Never has a nickname worked so perfectly. You want to get Crazy? You call Cam. He’ll take you to a Carousel and shit will get “Outrageous”.
I almost didn’t include “The Maniac” in this post but then I looked at that picture again. A picture where your face is in a mirror so its really two faces even though its still only 1 picture? Maniacal.
If Chucky is a Parent Pleaser then he has the most forgiving parents in the world.
The Destructor – Tears up BMX Tracks, takes pictures holding guns, sneaky might be Jewish and REALLY proud of it?
Dynamo – Chase your dreams bro. And when you get them, make sure you put them on Facebook for the entire world to see.
Source - A wounded squaddie who had just lost both legs in a Taliban bomb blast begged a medic to show him her boobs — to help relieve his agony. Private Emily Tomkins refused, but saved his life earning a bravery award for her heroics in Helmand, Afghanistan. Emily, 21, initially gave the man a shot of morphine, but explained she could not risk giving any more despite his agony. Then he said: “Well do something useful and show me your boobs.”
Is this chick seriously winning medals and getting recognition for her service right now even though she didn’t show this soldier her tits? Hey sweetheart, thanks for your sacrifice but homeboy just lost his fucking legs to a bunch of lunatics in the Taliban. He’s probably feeling pretty down on himself right about now. Would it kill you to put on a little bit of a show? Maybe just a quick flash to start like the girls on Czech Streets and go from there? Maybe let him cup his hands in there and do a little motorboat for the cherry on top? Honestly it’s not that much to ask. A Morphine high only can only take you so far when you’re dealing with the fact that your femur is pulling a double shift as your feet from now on. Show some appreciation for crying out loud.
I fucking love this. Right in your face. Doesn’t even try to pretend to be humble for one millisecond. ELEVEN rings. That’s ELEVEN. 10+1. And if you don’t believe him, here they are right in your face to see.
Just makes you think, if you had to write a book right now, what would be on the cover? I can’t even think of one thing I have ever done. Honestly, gun to my head my cover would probably be my 16 inch Softball Championship trophy from last year and maybe a blog that I put some effort into and my X-Box because its the most expensive thing I own now that my Avalon died. That’s it. Sobering to say the least.
Update – I guess its his twitter avatar too. Fucking love it. So cocky.
If North Korea Wasn’t Making You Shit Your Pants Before You May Want To Get A Fresh Pair Of Briefs Ready
Holy fuck is that a computer inside of a tool box? You guys steal that from a welding garage or something? That thing’s impressive as fuck. I mean I’d hate to piss of North Korea anymore at this point. These aren’t just empty threats. Not anymore. They’re bringing video games to life and building super computers from scratch like it’s the 70′s. And is that a Logitech mouse with the red ball cap I see there? Is it? Oh man these guys are serious. If there’s one thing I know it’s a Man is only as Powerful as his Mouse. Trackpads are for suckers. Logitech is for nuclear armed maniacs who wanna watch the world burn. RIP South Korea.