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Wait, Did You Guys Think I Actually Forgot Ashley Greene’s Birthday Today? HA

My number 1? Forget her birthday? Fuck no. I’ve been thinking about sniffing her hair all day long.

 
*I totally forgot. Worst internet boyfriend ever.

By Big Cat posted February 21st, 2013 at 8:25 PM

If You Refuse To Drink Iced Coffee In The Winter Then You’re A Soft Human Being

 

 

This has bothered me for a while. People who refuse to drink Iced Coffee in the winter. People that say because its below 50 degrees they can’t have Ice in their drink. Its fucking crazy to me. And let me be perfectly clear. I drink both hot and iced coffee. I like them both. Its a mood thing. So I’m not trying to be a Hardo saying I drink iced coffee all year around, but I definitely drink it in the winter whenever I want. I just don’t understand how people can shut off drinking Iced Coffee for 5 months of the year.Why would you refuse something so delicious just because its cold and the drink is cold too? Iced Coffee is the best. Its the perfect blend of refreshment/stimulant. Doesn’t give you that dry, dehydrated coffee taste in your mouth that hot coffee does, and you can drink it at any pace you want. Half the time I get a hot coffee I end up with that last quarter of lukewarm liquid. Iced Coffee lasts for hours. I’m a man of leisure, I want my drink to be enjoyed at a leisurely pace.

 

So someone please explain it to me. Its 20 degrees in Chicago today. I had an iced coffee this morning. It didn’t make me any colder than I already was. It was like drinking a bottle of water or a nice cold beer. Who gives a fuck how cold it is, Iced Coffee is delicious 24/7/365.

 

Barstool Results On Iced Coffee Debate

 

Mo and Pres – Both said I was a lunatic and they drink coffee seasonally. Pres even has an exact date. He says Oct 5 – May 5th is all hot. So if May 4th is 100 degrees outside he will still drink hot coffee. But yeah, I’m the lunatic

Neil – Said he almost always drinks hot Coffee, even in the summer as long as its not over 90 degrees. Said if he drinks iced coffee he drinks it too fast and his stomach hurts.

KFC - Had the second biggest Hardo reply. Said Coffee Drinkers are “Mental Midgets” and that coffee does nothing.

Feitelberg – Had the number 1 Hardo reply probably ever – Said he doesn’t drink coffee because he “runs on pure adrenaline 24/7″. Who are you trying to impress bro?

Kmarko and Jmac- Are with me, agree that Iced Coffee should be enjoyed anytime anywhere. I always knew those guys were sneaky brilliant.

By Big Cat posted February 21st, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Is Scottie Pippen Serious With This Dress Shirt Right Now?

What the fuck Scottie? You’re standing next to the Chicago’s Number 1 Lady Killer. Act like you’ve been there before. You look like a child. Clean that shit up.

 

 

By Big Cat posted February 21st, 2013 at 8:53 PM

Pro Tip – If Your Girlfriend Owns A Furby, At Some Point In Your Relationship She Will Definitely Use It As A Weapon Against You

 

MOON TWP. — A Moon Township woman has to learn how to play nice with her toys, according to a township police report. Moon police said Ashley L. Trimmer, 27, of 416 Fifth Ave. got into an argument with her boyfriend of eight months, William Ley, no age given, about 1 a.m. Wednesday at their home. Police said Trimmer picked up a Furby, an electronic robotic toy that looks like a cross between a hamster and an owl, and hurled it at Ley’s head while he was sitting on the couch. Ley suffered injury to the right side of his face, police said. Ley told police Trimmer then picked up a Sony PlayStation handheld remote control and hit him on the left side of his face. When officers arrived, they found Ley outside bleeding from his face with a red mark and swollen bump on his head. Trimmer was charged with simple assault and released on $2,000 bond. She is scheduled for a preliminary hearing on Tuesday.

 

This is one of those times where I want to defend the guy out of solidarity, I really do, we’ve all had crazy girlfriends before, the ones that just love to get in arguments, love the drama, love being that couple that always fights. There is nothing worse than accidentally dating that chick. But that’s the thing. Most of the time you find out you have a crazy girlfriend in month 3 or 4. They trick you at first. Seem totally normal only to have everything change once they’ve trapped you. But that’s where Bill went wrong. His girlfriend owned a fucking FURBY. He knew she was crazy from Day 1. I mean If you walk into a chick’s house and there is a Furby sitting in the living room, you turn around and walk directly out the front door. No ifs ands or buts. That’s a dealbreaker 10 out of 10 times. Because when a chick owns a Furby the only logical conclusion to the relationship is A) She beats you up with the Furby or B) She murders you, eats your body, buries the bones in the backyard and then masturbates her vagina with her Furby. That’s it. So frankly Bill, I can’t feel bad for you, in fact, you’re just lucky you’re still alive.

 

PS

Only thing scarier than a Furby was that Buddy doll. I’m pretty sure my parents got me one just to fuck with me. I would literally stay up all night staring at Buddy knowing if I fell asleep he would 100% murder me the minute my eyes were closed. Basically didn’t sleep between the ages of 5 and 7.

 

*I guess the Furby could technically be William Ley’s, but then again if he owned a Furby he probably wouldn’t have a girlfriend.

By Big Cat posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Bryan Beer II Is Not Just A GUTS Champion, He’s An American Legend

Move Over Seagal, Take A Hike Chuck Norris, There’s A New Sheriff In Town And He Goes By Bryan Beer II

 

Well that was certainly something. Bryan Beer II came on the show last night and it was basically everything we hoped for and more. Bullrider, Guts Champion, Orange Juice Lover, World class athlete, Tree Eater, guy is legitimately as American as America gets. For anyone who watched GUTS growing up, this is a must see. Someone said it perfectly last night but this was like a VH1 Behind The Scenes special, except instead of some shitty rock band you don’t care about it was one of the greatest Shows of all time. From the tryouts, to Mo’s height, to Mike Omalley, to what the Aggro Crag felt like, basically everything you wanted to know about the show as a kid, Bryan Beer told us.

 

And let me just say this. I hope someday that you all can experience what I experienced last night. That you can have the ear to ear smile. That you can stalk someone for 6 years, call his parent’s house and track him down on the internet, only to have him come on your Radio Show. A lot of friends told me they have never seen me happier. Probably doesn’t speak volumes about my life, that the happiest I have ever been is looking at a glowing piece of plastic from 1994 on a web chat but whatever. Bryan Beer is an American Hero and anyone who disagrees is a terrorist.

Click here to subscribe to KFC Radio on iTunes

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@BryanBeer2
@KFCBarstool 
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PS
I think I all but assured that Robby Lange will never want to meet me with some of the things I said last night. He’s Bryan Beer II 2.0 and he knows it.

 

 

By Big Cat posted February 21st, 2013 at 12:10 PM

Dude Gets Fired From Anti-Stress Ball Factory, Promptly Punches His Boss In The Face, Pulls Out Two Knives And Threatens To Start Cutting People Up

SourceDarren Baldwin turned on the warehouse manager who dismissed him, then clashed with a fellow worker who went to the manager’s aid. At one stage he pulled out two knives. Baldwin, 44, of Sidford Court, Blackpool, admitted affray and assault when he appeared before Blackpool magistrates. Tracy Yates, prosecuting, said when novelty firm SPS, said they were having to let Baldwin go from the temporary job, his manager who passed on the bad news was punched in the face.

She said: “Baldwin then produced two knives and the victim was in fear of his life. Baldwin showed the knives to his colleague and started to shout threats like ‘I will cut you up’.”

 

Well I think it’s obvious whose at fault here. Because you have to be a fucking idiot to fire somebody from an anti-stress ball factory warehouse. Nothing in the world more stressful than getting fired and trying to find a job in today’s economic climate. Everywhere you look unemployment offices have lines around the block, families are struggling to get by, college degrees are becoming more useless. It’s chaos out there. I mean when you think about it the only person who should be fired here is the guy doing the firing. Seriously wake up bro. Practice what you preach for once. You want to create an anti-stress world? Stop taking jobs away from people and they’ll be a lot less of a reason for you to get clocked in the jaw and cut up with a couple of shipping knives.

PS – “Affray assault”? “Appeared before magistrates”? What is it still the 1700′s in England? Grow the fuck up you clowns.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Is This Chick’s Laugh Serious Right Now?

 

I feel like Baxter just pooped in the refrigerator. I’m not even mad at this lady, I’m amazed. Like any sane person would kill themselves immediately after becoming self-aware enough to hear themselves laugh like that. You ever go out in public to a stand-up show or dinner with a bunch of friends and you grossly over-laugh and react to something way more over the top than anyone else? Easily one of the most embarrassing feelings in the world. Made even worse by the fact that it’s a silent, awkward embarrassment. Can’t even laugh at yourself to release the tension. It just hangs there like a stale fart. Well this broad took all her stale farts and turned it into Spanish daytime sketch comedy television superstardom. Pretty amazing if you think about it.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Chick Working At KFC Gets Fired Over Fake-Licking Potatoes In The Shape Of A Boob Which Is Great Because For A Second I Thought She Almost Ruined The Integrity Of KFC’s Food Quality Record

Source - A KFC employee in Tennessee is out of a job after photos of the culprit making out with a plate of mashed potatoes ended up on Facebook. The mashed potatoes, which were apparently not served to some unknowing customer, had been arranged into the shape of a woman’s boob. In the photos, the former employee can be found licking what we’d have to consider the underboob of the mashed potato mammary before throwing it into an oven. 

“Nothing is more important to KFC than food safety,” he wrote to WJHL. “As soon as our franchisee became aware of the issue, immediate action was taken. The franchisee’s investigation confirmed the photos were taken after the restaurant was closed and none of the food was served. … Today, KFC Corporation is sending representatives from our Operations and QA teams to the restaurant to reinforce and retain on KFC’s high operating standards.”

Hectic day at KFC headquarters for sure. Man oh man did those guys dodge a bullet. Sure the restaurant was closed at that point and the food was going to be thrown away and not served to anyone and it’s probably harmless fun and some chick doesn’t have a job now. That’s all irrelevant. What matters is KFC made it through another day without a blemish to their reputation for food quality. Yeah every now and again they’ll be a rotting kidney in your leg and thigh meal or a raw chicken breast at the heart of your sandwich and you’re asshole with still explode as your shit your pants after every time you eat there. Big whoop that’s all part of the fun. Live a little. What isn’t fun is some high school chick turning into a lesbian and licking tater tits in the probably totally sanitary kitchen after hours. Grow up babe this isn’t a fucking game. People’s lives are at stake.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 3:40 PM

Derrick Rose’s Brother Rips The Bulls Inactivity Over The Trade Deadline

 

CHICAGO — Derrick Rose‘s brother and manager Reggie Rose said Thursday that the franchise hasn’t put enough quality players around the Chicago Bulls star to win a championship and that could be a “big factor” in whether he returns this season from a knee injury. Reggie Rose said he was speaking for himself and not his brother. “What have you pieced together? Have you made any moves? Have you made any trades to get better? You know all roads to the championship lead through Miami,” Reggie Rose told ESPNChicago.com. “What pieces have you put together for the physical playoffs?

Joakim Noah is a great player. Luol Deng is a great player. But you need more than that. You have to put together pieces to your main piece. The players can only do so much. It’s up to the organization to make them better.” The Bulls stood pat at Thursday’s trade deadline. “It’s frustrating to see my brother play his heart and soul out for the team and them not put anything around him,” Reggie Rose said. Pulling off a trade would have been complicated for the Bulls, who are hard capped at $74 million in payroll this season. “In order for us to do something we’re not in a position to take on any real salary, so we’re kind of limited in what we can do,” Bulls vice president John Paxson said last month on “The Waddle & Silvy Show” on ESPN Chicago 1000. “I think our team has grown. It’s not always pretty. Let’s face it, we’ve had some ugly games this year, and that’s kind of who we are right now. But we do grind it out and play hard.

 

 

I know a lot of people are probably saying Reggie Rose? Who the fuck is he? Why the hell is he even talking? What’s the upside in this? Well if you don’t think this is D-Rose venting through his brother then you’re absolutely crazy. This basically isn’t even Reggie Rose. This is D-Rose saying get me a better team. And even though I think Pax and Gar have done a great job scouting and developing talent (Taj and Butler are two great examples), Reggie aka Derrick isn’t wrong here. Find me one team (besides the 2004 Pistons) that won a Championship with only 1 star. You can’t. Every team in NBA history wins with 2 guys. You think it was unfair that Miami teamed up Bosh, Wade, and Lebron? Please. Michael had Scottie. Shaq had Kobe. Larry had McHale. Magic had Kareem and Worthy. The list goes on and on. You need two bonafide stars to win, and as good as Noah and Deng are, they’re not superstars. That doesn’t mean this team can’t compete. I think presently constructed they can make it to the Finals. But the point still stands, if the Derrick Rose era Bulls are going to win multiple championships, they’ll need another piece.

By Big Cat posted February 21st, 2013 at 4:10 PM

This “Watch Dogs” Video Game Set In Chicago Looks Absolutely Ridiculous

 

I’ve mentioned this before but I’m as anti-gamer as anyone can be. Nothing against video games or people who play them and shit but I’m flat out terrible playing anything that came out after N64. As far as I can remember I’ve only played only one video game since I was in college and my roommates had an X-Box. Know what game that is? Motherfuckin’ Pacman. I play it all the time. Played like 5 or 6 games earlier today actually. Literally fire up at least a few rounds every day. That’s about all the technology I can handle.

But that being said this game looks fucking sick. The setting in Chicago looks amazing. Extremely detailed, all futuristic. I think I came my pants two or three times during that opening sequence. But the idea behind it is even cooler. You get to walk around the city with access to pretty much unlimited information about everyone and you can use that to be as good or as bad a person as you want. Obviously you gotta be a degenerate asshole and steal people’s money and try to get cops to chase you so you can blow them up with rocket launchers like in GTA but it’s nice that the option’s there. If you wanna go up to the Signature Room and throw someone out the window 95 floors to the pavement you can do it. You wanna ride around on the subway all day worried about your iPhone getting stolen and homeless people peeing on you, you can do that too. Just a never-ending story line that you make up as you go along. Like I said gaming technology isn’t my thing so y guy would probably end up riding the subway to my apartment and blogging and playing Pacman all day but for people who know how to play this is going to be a fucking blast.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Madison Dude Gets Busted Stealing 75 Chopsticks From Chinese Restaurant Which Raises The Question, Are Chopsticks The Most Useless Thing On The Planet?

Source - A Madison man had no problem with a police request to search him for weapons, because since when are chopsticks considered weapons? But there they were, all 75 of them, stuffed into the right pants leg of the suspect, who was being questioned after reportedly causing a scene at a restaurant near the UW-Madison campus. Michael Arms, 60, no permanent address, was cited for unlawful trespass after allegedly taking the Asian eating utensils from Hong Kong Cafe, 2 S. Mills St., Madison police said in a news release. 

“The owner said the suspect was asked numerous times to leave since he was just hanging out and not dining,” said police spokesman Joel DeSpain. “He eventually sat down on the dining room floor in the middle of the restaurant, asking ‘Why are you hating on me?’”

 

I honestly can’t wrap my head around anything this guy did. Stealing 75 chopsticks is easily the dumbest robbery I’ve ever heard of. I mean right off that bat stealing 75 of them is mathematically retarded. Chopsticks are supposed to be paired so 75 makes zero sense. But secondly, chopsticks are fucking useless. There is no need to use them under any circumstance whatsoever. Eating fried rice with chopsticks is the food equivalent of bashing yourself over the head repeatedly with the Bible to learn about religion. And you know what’s better than stealing 75 chopsticks? Stealing one, single fork. That’s infinitely better and more useful than a billion chopsticks. Choosing chopsticks over a fork to eat your food is like being sober but choosing to fail at fucking a girl with whiskey dick instead of actually fucking her with an erection. It’s blasphemy. You might as well just gather broken branches off a tree and try to eat your food with that because that’s essentially what a chopstick is.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Peironnet

Introducing Peironnet from Northwestern and a Blackout tour vet from last spring’s show in Chicago. Peironnet just capped off an absolutely absurd smokeshow week top to bottom. I’m almost tearing up at the thought that we have to start all over again on Monday. Shoot us all your nominations to Chicagotips@barstoolsports.com so we can gear up for another killer week. Just include a Facebook link and a name.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Broke Into A Firehouse In Kentucky And Masturbated On All The Fire Equipment Because He “Wanted To”?

Source - A man faces multiple charges after police said he broke into Metro Fire House on Jefferson Street while intoxicated and masturbated on gear. According to the arrest report, 27-year-old Nicholas Gonzales shattered one of the bay window doors on the building, broke in, pulled gear out of lockers in a storage room and was found masturbating on the gear. Police said he was under the influence of alcohol and when asked why he broke in, he stated, “Because I wanted to.” Damage to the bay window door is estimated at $1,000. Gonzales is charged with burglary, public intoxication and criminal mischief.

 

I always love hearing all the people that scoff at stories like this. The uptight squares who think some bro getting drunk off his ass and breaking into a fire station and masturbating on everything in sight is the definition of rock bottom for a human being. What a bunch of miserable losers. Seriously I hope you guys enjoy your predictable, boring march towards death with your cozy, sober lives. Just know that while you’re at home watching daytime soaps and eating up microwave dinners like a bunch of sad suckers guys like Nicholas Gonzales will be out living the dream getting shitfaced and cumming all over fire equipment just for the fuck of it. It’s like that old hypothetical question, Would you rather live 80 boring years or 40 exciting ones? Well I’ll tell you what, I don’t know how long Nicholas Gonzales is going to live, but I’ll take a felony B&E and seeding my jizz all over federally owned property every time over a stale existence, doesn’t matter how long I’m around.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Michigan Hospital Being Sued After Complying With Request For “No Black Nurses” By Father Of New Born Baby

SourceHurley Medical Center’s CEO is breaking her silence following a lawsuit filed by a black nurse claiming racial discrimination. The nurse, who has worked at Hurley nearly 25 years, claims she was re-assigned because she is black. The suit says Hurley honored a father’s request, last October and into November, that no African American nurses care for his newborn baby in the hospital’s Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, or NICU. The lawsuit claims the nurse’s supervisor, the charge nurse, contacted a nurse manager who re-assigned the baby, later met with another supervisor to OK the father’s request and even had a staff meeting to let them know about the decision.

As much as I hate this Dad for being such a fucking asshat, I don’t really understand why the Hospital is getting sued here? Yeah the guy’s an absolute idiot but if he doesn’t want an African-American nurse who cares? So he’s a racist, big whoop. While he’s in the Hospital he’s their client (I think that’s correct?) so his wishes should be met.

And for the record, now that there’s a precedent set, when I have a kid I’m requesting ONLY black nurses. Every time I hear “black nurse” I think about Juanita from Billy Madison. Don’t even care that she’s technically a maid. Just a straight up loving and caring individual. She could bring me Snack Packs and fluff my pillows and shit while I watch Sports Center while her and the old lady go figure out that newborn baby business.

PS – I’ve never been more disappointed in the Internet than I was when I Googled around and this was the best Juanita picture I could find. Fucking pathetic.

By neil posted February 21st, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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