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This Bro Who Bodyslammed A Cactus Is Such A Pussy

 

So Mo posted this video earlier and we had it cued up to go out around the same time but somehow forgot because it’s Monday and shit like that happens. But regardless all I have to say is that this kid is the biggest pussy on the Internet for whining like a little girl after he jumped. Yeah I get that it hurts but guess what bro, you jumped on a fucking cactus plant. It’s going to hurt and hurt bad. I understand the initial reaction but after the shock just suck it up you coward. Like what was up with the yelling from 0:41-0:49? Kid sounded like the cactus was forcibly raping him or something. Newsflash dude, you did it to yourself. Deal with it like a man.

By neil posted February 18th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

French People Are Such Assholes For Bragging About This Video And Calling It The First Car Backflip In History

 

SourceThis is the heart-stopping moment a champion rally driver became the first person to perform a 360-degree backflip in a car. French daredevil Guerlain Chicherit, 34, sped towards a 25ft high ramp in his specially built Mini Countryman at an exact 37mph. He then hit the quarter-pipe and took off, soaring 75ft into the air and flipping his car a full 360 degrees backwards.

 

First, the obvious. This was not the first time a car ever did a back flip. The fact that the French are legitimately trying to convince people of that is fucking absurd. Such a France thing to do. I could find a thousand clips of funny cars blowing up and backflipping through the air and landing like 4 miles away from their starting point on Youtube in about 5 seconds. So drop that talking point right now you fucking liars.

And second, I don’t even get what’s so great about this dude? Like yeah the video is cool but he was going 37 MPH in a midget car. Literally anybody could do that. Whitesox Dave could do that and I don’t even think he’s tall enough to reach the pedals on a normal car. So who cares? Quit sucking your own dick for doing something anyone else could do. Like I said, that’s so France to brag and toot their own horn. Bunch of pussies.

By neil posted February 18th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Dude Almost Dies After Getting Locked In His Bedroom By His Crazy Wife And Trying To Escape By Climbing Down A Rope Made Of Bedsheets And Falling 7 Stories To The Ground

 

SourceAn eyewitness says a man who tried to break out of his own bedroom using a rope made of bed sheets is lucky to be alive, having survived a harrowing seven-story drop onto a pile of snow. Yekaterina Horoshko, who caught the entire incident on camera, told the local press that she spotted the 35-year-old man climbing out of his 8th floor apartment in the Estonian capital of Tallinn using a makeshift rope made from bed sheets that he tied together, Hollywood jailbreak-style. 

According to Horoshko the man was able to walk away from the fall thanks to the large amount of snow that had accumulated on the ground beneath him. A local police spokesman later confirmed the details of the incident, adding that the man was apparently attempting to flee his apartment after having been locked in the bedroom by his possessive wife. “He said his wife locked him up,” Officer Ilmar Kahro is quoted as saying. “Desiring to go meet friends, he decided to get out using a rope he made out of bed sheets. The rope proved too weak, landing the man in the house side bushes.”

 

How pissed off do you think this guy was that he survived? I’d be fucking furious. Not because he wanted to die or anything, but now this is just going to be one more thing he gets nagged about forever. Dude can’t question his wife’s decision making skills ever again because the second he does she’s throwing out the “Yeah well how about the time you tried to escape out of the bedroom window and you almost fell 7 stories to your death you fucking idiot? I told you to buy sheets with a higher thread count. Probably wouldn’t have fractured your spleen if you got the sheets I wanted”. Boom, roasted. There’s no comeback for that. Like at least if you fall to your death you get the last laugh. Get to implant that in your wife’s brain and haunt her forever. Now you’re just some loser who gets pushed around by his woman to the point where you have to try and kill yourself just to get a little freedom now and again. Definition of a no win situation.

By neil posted February 18th, 2013 at 4:15 PM

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Parent Who Started Stripping At An Elementary School Assembly For Black History Month?

Source - “It had been going as a terrific event. The cafeteria was full. We probably had about 200 students in there from throughout the school,” Ron Lesko of the Albany School District told News10 in Albany, New York. Just a benign school assembly early on a Friday morning, no more, no less. That’s when 24-year-old Aydrea Meaders, pictured here, got on stage and started to dance. At first, it was routine dancing with the kids. But then things went off the rails. 

“Suddenly she stepped to the front of the group threw off her coat and stripped from the waist up,” Lesko told News10. Within seconds, school staff rushed her Meaders stage and called the police. She was charged with seven counts of Endangering the Welfare of a Child and one count of Public Lewdness. Friday mornings, always tough. Which do you think is the best part: That this was an assembly celebrating Black History Month, or that this story actually led the local news in Albany?

 

See this is why we shouldn’t be singling out any race and giving them a whole month to celebrate themselves. Sure the first week of black history month you can kick off with MLK, Rosa Parks, Miles Davis, and all the other heavy hitters. Maybe throw the Obama’s in there at the end of the week and really bring the house down. But then what? Suddenly you’ve exhausted all your can’t-miss presentations and you gotta start digging around for second class performers. Before you know it you’re only half-way through February and Aydrea Meaders and her cross-eyed face are stripping naked at 10 in the morning and getting locked up for 7 counts of child endangerment. Sometimes it’s better to tell every kid they can become President instead of hitting them up with the truth that they’ll probably just end up as a stripper instead.

PS – Sasha and Malia must be the worst classmates during Black History month. Probably act smug as a mothafucker.

PPS – And for the record White history month would be the most depressing shit ever. White people history is like 90% racist landowners and terrible athletes who never played against minorities. Super embarrassing.

By neil posted February 18th, 2013 at 9:35 AM

If You Weren’t At The Jewel Osco On 95th Street On Saturday Your Entire Weekend Was A Failure

And here I was thinking I had a great weekend. Thought meeting up with friends, eating some good food, boozing, catching a concert and watching sports all day yesterday was a grade A couple of days. But little did I know my weekend fucking sucked. Because while I wasting money on worthless shit like “having a pretty good time” Iron Mike and Evander Holyfield were down at the 95th st Jewel Osco hugging it out and chugging BBQ sauce together. Literally the apex of awesome. If you don’t have FOMO nightmares about this for the rest of your life you were either there in person or you’re a goddamned liar.

By neil posted February 18th, 2013 at 10:50 AM

The Problem With Danica Patrick Isn’t Danica Patrick Or Sports Fans In General, It’s ESPN

Sneaky use of Pink for Danica failing. I am Woman Hear Me Roar! First thing I’ve ever liked about ESPN

 

 

So unless you live under a rock you probably know by now that Danica Patrick won the poll on the Daytona 500 over the weekend. And every regular person is saying the same thing, why is everyone talking about this, she’s never won anything, who cares? Well the reality is, No one actually does care. No one actually is talking about this. No one I know. No one you know. No one anyone knows. But that’s not what ESPN will have you believe. Because according to them this is the biggest news in the world. Every Sportscenter, every half hour on ESPN News, First Take, Around the Horn, Sportsnation, literally every program.

 

And that’s the thing, I don’t blame Danica Patrick or anyone I know, again because no one in the world is actually talking about this. I blame ESPN. It is 100% their fault this has become a thing. That a driver who has yet to win an actual race in NASCAR is a topic for discussion. It’s the same reason why we watched Tim Tebow throw into a trash can at Jets Camp. Or why we kept on “talking” about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens for years and years after anyone actually gave a fuck. Or why we watched Michele Wie shoot 20 over par on a Thursday at TPC Sawgrass. Or why every August we have to hear about Brett Favre throwing spirals to High Schoolers in Mississippi. Its all manufactured by ESPN. This is what they do. They create stories. Blow them up. Then talk about them as if they’re just responding to the sports nation’s “buzz”. They pretend to just be reporting on what every casual sports fan is talking about.

 

So yeah, I sort of hate Danica Patrick for talking like this is some big accomplishment when in reality she should just say “I haven’t won anything, I don’t want to talk about this until I’ve proven myself in something other than practice”, but more than anything this just reminds me why ESPN is so fucking out of touch. Why they don’t even come close to speaking for the common man. Packaged garbage thrown in your face to make you think its important. That’s all it is and unfortunately probably all it will ever be.

 

 

PS
If I was Danica Patrick’s husband I would still drive the family car 100% of the time. Guys who have their girlfriends/wives drive are fucking weirdos.

By Big Cat posted February 18th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

Reader Email – Does Tucking Your Jeans Into Your Uggs Get You Laid At The Chicago Auto Show?

 Big Cat,

Saw this dad at the auto show today straight crushing it in UGGS. Jeans tucked in like you read about. I bet him and Rovell kick back with hard lemonades and exchange jokes at Northwestern alumni gatherings.

-Daniel

 

First of all. I kind of do think this gets this guy laid. Its just so outrageous that it may work. Straight up Peacocking. Like you’re a complete tool if you’re a man wearing Uggs, and you’re a complete tool if you tuck your jeans into your boots but both? That’s sort of a Power Move. Simple Algebra. Multiply two negatives and you get a positive. He’s the only one at the auto show rocking this look so the sheer novelty of it probably gets him a Blowjob from some horny soccer mom from Schaumburg.

 

More importantly though. Do people still go to the Chicago Auto Show? I used to go and I guess it was cool the first few times but once the novelty wears off it just becomes a bunch of poor people walking around sitting in cars they can’t own. Not to mention any car you want to sit in is gross because half of Chicago has touched the steering wheel with their greasy hands.  It would be like going to a bowling alley and sticking your fingers into every bowling ball without ever actually throwing a ball down the lane. Disgusting. Too many people, not enough cool cars, not enough dads with tucked in Uggs. Thanks but no thanks.

By Big Cat posted February 18th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

So It Turns Out Mississippi Forgot To Officially Abolish Slavery For The Last 148 Years And Finally Got Around To It Last Week

Source - Due to a procedural glitch the last time around, the Mississippi government this month formally ratified the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery. It comes a bit late. The amendment was adopted by the U.S. in 1865. But, like several other states whose delegations opposed the measure at the time — New Jersey and Kentucky included — Mississippi subsequently voted to ratify the amendment. The newspaper reported how Dr. Ranjan Batra, an associate professor at the University of Mississippi Medical Center, looked into the issue after watching the Steven Spielberg movie “Lincoln.” He, along with another UMC colleague, discovered that the state did not officially notify the U.S. archivist in 1995 as required. Batra’s colleague, according to the newspaper, then called the Mississippi secretary of state, who at last sent the needed paperwork to the National Archives. According to The Clarion-Ledger, the Federal Register wrote back on Feb. 7 to confirm that “with this action, the State of Mississippi has ratified the 13th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.” 

 

Hey running a state is insanely tough business. Can’t even imagine how much pressure that is day in, day out. You got Democrats and Republicans fighting each other over legislation every step of the way. Big business vs small business. Assholes that want to milk the planet of all it’s resources vs asshole environmentalists. People who believe in basic equal rights vs people who want to own slaves. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and sweep other issues under the rug for a while. Like here in Illinois the gay marriage fight and gun violence is dominating the news so other things will have to wait until the politicians sort that shit out. And in Mississippi they’ve been bogged down by discussing how great the incoming Ole Miss recruiting class is and coming in close to last every year in education rankings. Naturally you have to wait for those things to cycle out of the news before you can get around to outlawing things like owning black people as slaves. I mean if anything it was kind of a sweet gesture to pass the law during Black History month. That’s Southern hospitality at it’s finest.

By neil posted February 18th, 2013 at 12:50 PM

I Don’t Even Wanna Know How Much These Bros Who Took Their Girlfriends To White Castle On Valentine’s Day Got Laid

 

ChicagoistEvery year for ages now the Internet enjoys a good chuckle when the reservation lines for a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at White Castle open up. “Because nothing says a romantic Valentine’s evening like creamy beef followed by severe intestinal cramps,” the commenters joke. But there is a reason White Castle pulls out the paper table cloths each year: people really enjoy the schtick.

 

Hope all the Casanova’s in that video like having ruby red blisters and bleeding scars up and down their dicks because there’s a 0% chance they haven’t been getting laid non-stop since Valentine’s day. I mean if there’s one thing any chick loves more than a romantic night out on the town with the man of her dreams it’s saving an absurd amount of money. Basically a chick’s wet dream to go out with their boyfriend and put back 10 pounds of food and only dish out like 17 dollars including tip. And like the chef in the back said, White Castle is more than just burgers. It’s fries. It’s shrimp. It’s chicken tenders. Basically a 5-star restaurant for 1/20th the price. Must have been a certified freak fuck fest once they got home and recovered from the sliders exploding out of their assholes.

By neil posted February 18th, 2013 at 1:30 PM

Pizza vs Burrito For The Only Meal You Can Eat For The Rest Of Your Life, Who Ya Got?

For this discussion the Burrito Pizza is illegal

 

So I was sitting at the bar yesterday watching my friends get drunk because they all had President’s Day Off and I don’t and the question came up, if tomorrow morning you had to pick one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? And just to qualify you can’t say Italian food or Chinese. Its one specific order, and that is what you eat for breakfast lunch and dinner forever. So say you want to eat Cereal, you can’t just have all types of Cereal, you would have to eat Lucky Charms or Frosted Flakes forever. Or if you choose pizza you get the same exact pizza every time. You can never change. Once you make your order, that’s your order for life.

 

So the consensus became that the two most logical choices are Burrito or Pizza.  So that’s the hypothetical. You have to either eat a Burrito for the rest of your life or Pizza. I honestly could not be more torn. I’ve gone through all my pro’s and con’s and I still can’t decide.

 

Burrito

Pro’s

-Delicious

-Nutritious – you can basically hit every food group on the pyramid with a burrito.

-Variety inside the Burrito (My all time burrito would be steak, chicken, rice, beans, peppers, lettuce, cheese, salsa)

-Relatively Inexpensive

 

Con’s

-Diarrhea

-People might mistake you for a Mexican.

-Sometimes too filling?

 

Pizza

Pro’s

-Who doesn’t love Pizza

-You may turn into a Ninja Turtle

-I don’t think I could ever get sick of Pizza

 

Con’s

-You’ll be fat

-Society hates fat people

-No one will fuck you because you’re fat.

 

 

So there it is. Gun to my head I think I’m going Burrito. Unlike some people who like to be “adults” and use “bathrooms” I’m not hung up on the fact that sometimes you accidentally poop your pants. Things happen. Not a lot you can do. So the Burrito Diarrhea isn’t as much of a drawback. Whereas becoming a fat slob who eats Pizza all day is a pretty big drawback. I’m already a blogger, I’d rather not fill in every stereotype of my already sad life. But let’s put it to a vote. Pizza vs Burrito for the rest of your life, who ya got?

Vote 1 for being fat and eating Pizza and 10 for pooping your pants and having Burritos

1 Stars2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (1,096 votes, average: 5.99 out of 10)
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By Big Cat posted February 18th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

I Need To Buy A Bulldog And A Leaf Blower ASAP

 

Full disclosure, taking a lot of heat from Pres about this Pizza/Burrito blog earlier today. I totally forgot that Dave literally eats Pizza for every meal. So when the Boss gets angry I just run the only play that has zero chance of failing. “Dogs doing cool things”. Like the Lombardi Sweep. You know its coming and you still can’t stop it.

By Big Cat posted February 18th, 2013 at 3:30 PM
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