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If You’re A Grown Man Standing Behind Pat And Konroyd During The Blackhawks Pregame Show, You Need To Kill Yourself

Look, I know last night was the first night the Hawks were home in Forever. Lot of excitement surrounding the team in the city in general and United Center in particular. But with that said, I think I need to make it loud and clear that if you’re a grown man standing behind Pat and Konroyd yelling into their ear before a game, you need to reassess your entire life. Ultimate Toad move. And I’m obviously not talking about kids or grown men that have kids and want their kids to get the full experience, that makes sense to me. I’m talking about the solo guy who gets their early to stand directly in the middle of the show screaming in everyone’s ear thinking that more than 1,000 people are actually watching the pregame show.

This Guy.

 

This fucking guy last night. Literally stood there for 20 minutes trying to get a “Lets Go Hawks” chant going. Waving to the camera with his stupid half nerd/half hipster glasses. Flashing his sweet Hawks Refrigerator Calendar that everyone got for free. Literally Endless.

 

So this is a PSA of sorts. If you were ever thinking about doing this, don’t. In fact, if you were ever thinking about doing this just walk outside the United Center and head west on Madison until someone shoots you, because your life has hit rock bottom already.

 

*If this guy is mentally handicapped in some capacity I still don’t take back this entire post, even r*tarded people know this is completely unacceptable behavior.

 

PS
Obviously the exception to this entire rule is silently holding a Viva La Stool sign. That’s both classy and sophisticated.

By Big Cat posted February 13th, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Scientists Discover Sea Slugs That Have “Disposable Penises”. I For One Could Not Be More Jealous

Asian penis, get it?

(Source) A sea slug that is able to detach, re-grow and then re-use its penis has surprised scientists. Japanese researchers observed the bizarre mating behaviour in a species called Chromodoris reticulata, which is found in the Pacific Ocean. They believe this is the first creature known that can repeatedly copulate with what they describe as a “disposable penis”. The study is published in the Royal Society’s journal Biology Letters. The sex life of the sea slug is complicated even before detachable organs come into play. I haven’t seen anything like this before”

Almost all of these creatures, which are also known as nudibranchs, are thought to be “simultaneous hermaphrodites”. This means they have both male and female sexual organs and can use them both at the same time. Bernard Picton, curator of marine invertebrates at the National Museums Northern Ireland, explained: “The genital apparatus is on the right hand side of the body. So two nudibranchs come together and one faces one way and one faces the other way, with the right hand side of their bodies touching. “The penis from one fits into the female opening of the other one, and the penis from that one fits into the female opening of the first one, if you see what I mean.

“They are both donating sperm to the other one.” But the finding that one species has added another layer of complexity to copulation surprised the sea slug expert. “I haven’t seen anything like this before,” he said. The Japanese team observed sea slugs that they had collected from shallow coral reefs around Japan. They saw the animals mate 31 times. The act took between a few seconds and a few minutes, after which the creatures would push away and shed their penises, leaving them on the floor of the tank. However, the researchers were surprised to discover that just 24-hours later, the sea slugs had regenerated their male organs and were able to mate again. Closer examination of the animals’ anatomy revealed that the sea slugs had a large part of their penis coiled up in a spiral inside their bodies, which they would then use to replenish their missing part.

 

Now I’m not positive I fully understand this article. In terms of reading comprehension I’m usually a pictures/tv show type of guy, not scientific journal guy. But if I’m understanding this correctly these slugs not only literally fuck themselves but they also can just get rid of their penis whenever they want and grow another one at the drop of the hat. How fucking awesome is that?

 

Scared of STD’s? Don’t want to get AIDS? No problem, just leave your penis in that skank you just fucked. Know that feeling the minute after you masturbate, when your computer screen is still open to the blaring porn and you sit there in utter disgust with yourself? Pffft, not anymore, toss that penis directly into the garbage can and get yourself a new one you didn’t just mutilate while watching youjizz. Shrinkage while swimming? Leave that dick in the ocean and grow a new regular sized one. Pair of jeans fresh out of the dryer too tight on your junk? Walk around penis-less until your jeans loosen up. Gay guy checking you out in the gym locker room? Toss him your old penis and tell him to hit the bricks. Seriously, the times when I could use a new penis are literally endless. It’s like owning a new pair of shoes. Why would anyone ever want to walk around with an old scuffed up penis when you can have a fresh one whenever you want?

By Big Cat posted February 13th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Sharks Center Logan Couture Tonight On KFC Radio, Special Mystery Guest (Bryan Beer) Next Week!


So tonight we’re getting into the interview game. Starting off with San Jose Shark Center Logan Couture. Extra bonus because Logan is currently in our city preparing to face the Hawks on Friday night. We’ll ask him things like. What does it feel like to be a millionaire? Does Tommy Wingels constantly talk about New Trier? And, you’re a professional athlete, what’s that like, probably fun right? You get it. Hard hitting stuff. Wachtdog is going to bark right in his face, and by that I mean I’m going to be like Chris Farley interviewing Paul McCartney, probably just mumble like a fat idiot for 10 minutes.

 

THEN. Next week, we have a special mystery guest lined up, not really a mystery because I’m terrible at keeping secrets, GUTS All-Star, bull rider, greatest athlete in the history of the world, Bryan “Wild Thing” Beer II (he goes by II and not Jr., such a boss move). I talked to Bryan last night on the phone, basically the biggest moment of my life, and he is going to have some stories for us. He still has the Crag, still has the shoes and uniform, and confirmed that yes, if he had wanted to he definitely could have gone pro in all 4 major sports.

 

So here we are. Professional Athletes. GUTS legends. We’re trying to grow this radio show each week. Thanks to everyone who has watched/listened so far, hopefully getting these interviews will make it that much better.

 

I’ll post a live link to the show tonight at 7 pm central time here so anyone who wants to watch can.

If you have a question you want Logan to answer, let us know.

@LoganCouture
@KFCBarstool 
@Jfeitelberg
@BarstoolBigCat

By Big Cat posted February 13th, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Jealousy Is What Makes You A Hater

“You’re So Right”

 

At least she’s drinking Diet Coke?

 

 

h/t jf

By Big Cat posted February 13th, 2013 at 10:50 AM

Reader E-Mail: I’m Gonna Go Ahead And Say This Is The Most Badass Helicopter Paint Job Of All-Time

Check out what some troops overseas did to their helicopter. This very special Mi-24 helicopter is presently flying in Afghanistan, where it is no doubt causing quite a stir. Afghan’s probably shitting their pants when they see this thing flying in the sky. #VivaLaStool

Angelo

 

Feel like we should fly this thing right to the border of North Korea and just scare the shit out of Kim Jong Poon and his shrimp sauce cronies thinking they’re all tough for detonating a nuclear weapon the other day. Hey bro we literally got thousands of nukes plus this badass fucking helicopter. Maybe think twice before you try and puff out your chest next time.

PS – Just a heads up to Angelo we’re not actually fighting the Afghans and trying to make them shit their pants. Pretty much on the same side at this point. Literally training their police forces and shit. The less pants shitting the better.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 12:15 PM

Texas History Teacher In Hot Water After Lassoing A Student In Class And Injuring His Neck

Source - A history teacher was trying to teach lasso techniques used during cattle drives. He asked for student volunteers, and had them run… then tried to rope them. “[The teacher] was visiting with the students, telling the students about how Cowboys would corral maverick steers back into the herd,” explained Garland Independent School District spokesman Chris Moore. The 13-year-old volunteer ended up with bruises. 

“This is not something that we feel was malicious, it was not intent,” Moore said. “Extremely unfortunate, and extremely poor judgment.” The Garland ISD has launched an investigation and suspended the teacher, they say for precautionary reasons. The Rowlett Police Department is looking at possible criminal charges of injury to a child. The district says the unnamed teacher feels badly and agreed to never use the lasso in class again. The student’s parents tell News 8 the bruises around their son’s neck were worse on Tuesday. They said they can’t believe something like this could happen at school.

 

How about this little asshole complaining about getting lassoed in class when he straight up volunteered for it? Classic teacher’s pet. Always sucking-up and get brownie points but the second you lasso and severely bruise their neck and treat them like a tied up steer they go crying to Mommy and Daddy. Hey kid, quick word of advice: If you don’t want your history teacher throwing a rope around your head and dragging you around class making a fool of yourself don’t raise your hand like a little suck-up when they ask for someone’s help.

And if we’re being honest I think the parents are even worse in all this. Like how can you possibly blame the teacher and say you can’t believe this could happen in a school. Yeah I can’t believe it happened either because I have a hard time believing a 13 year old could be that stupid. Newsflash guys, your kid’s a fucking idiot. Maybe throw him in a SPED class or something to catch him up to speed on how not to violently hurt his vertebrate from self-induced whiplash or something.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

Fetish Porn Mogul Arrested In His San Francisco Dungeon Sex Lair With Cocaine And Illegal Fire Arms

via - Peter Acworth, CEO of San Francisco fetish-porn giant Kink.com, has made a fortune from BDSM and maintained a surprising respectability while doing it. Now we’ve learned that Acworth was arrested earlier this month for cocaine possession, by police investigating a report that people were shooting firearms inside the company’s Mission District headquarters. Leave it to San Francisco to combine gun culture and S&M. The arrest is a rare misstep for Acworth, a Brit who has has built a paradoxical image as a peddler of exotic smut like “Electro Anal Exploration” and “Maitresse Madeline’s Small Penis Humiliation POV,”

 

Holy shit no way. Some guy living in San Francisco whose made millions of dollars wrapping people up in balls, chains and whistles in his underground dungeon fuck lair had cocaine and some illegal firearms? Get the fuck out, really? Are you serious?

Here’s what I don’t get about BDSM people. I understand the fetishes and getting tied up and whatever. You wanna get kinky and shit be my guest. I’m more of a missionary for 7 1/2 minutes and go to sleep kinda guy but I’ll admit I’m probably boring and you freaks get off on getting choked with dog collars wrapped around your neck while someone whips you in the balls. Whatever, that’s fine. But what’s the allure of starring in something like “Maitresse Madeline’s Small Penis Humiliation”? Seems like a lose-lose situation to throw that information out there. Like the word “humiliation” is right there in the title. I’ve had a lot of humiliating sexual experiences and absolutely none of them make me want to sign up to star in a movie about it. If someone asked me to be in a movie called “Flabby Blogger’s Pre-Mature Ejaculation Chronicles” I’d turn it down in a heartbeat. For one it’s embarrassing and two it’d be like 4 hours long. Probably make a Lord of the Rings style trilogy out of all the terrible sexual trysts I’ve had. Why someone would volunteer for that shit instead of burying it into the far corners of their brain and pretending like it never happened is way, way beyond me.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 1:35 PM

Is It Weird That I Like The New Courtney Stodden Song / Video?

 

Not joking I think that’s an okay song. Nothing special but not horrendous. Obviously doesn’t hurt that she’s a huge whore that’s wearing pretty much nothing and apparently banging some random scrub but I’m kinda into that hook. It’s catchy. Though I probably shouldn’t be surprise because guess who produced the track? Whose the mastermind behind the hit? No, not Timbaland. Not Kanye. Mothafuckin’ Doug Hitchison that’s who. Literally everything that dude touches turns to gold except literally everything he touches. Can’t go wrong with the Hitch.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Lilly

Introducing Lilly from Orland Park. This is what’s known in the business as knocking it out of the park. Absolute dime.

Know a Smoke? E-mail us at Chicagotips@Barstoolsports.com with a Facebook link and we’ll take it from there.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Sweet Guitar Dude, Totally Not Creepy At All

Is it just me or is the chick in the first picture with the mini skirt kind of a smoke? I think I could get down with a guitar looking that hot. Little weird that they put a couple of Mr. Marcus’s condoms on her feet for socks but still I wouldn’t mind climbing the stairway to heaven with that broad. Very least she blows the second girl and her heinous jean skirt and cut off shirt out of the water. Seriously clean it up babe, you look like a whore.

PS – The must be a staggering amount of dead bodies in that guy’s basement.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

Rural Indiana Christians Want To Host High School Prom For Straight Kids Only

 

I think these people have a point here right? I mean prom kinda sucks already. The build up of renting a limo and getting all your friends together is fun and the after-party is what everyone’s looking forward to but prom itself is pretty lame. Basically the same as a school dance except there’s tuxedo’s, dresses and some shitty chicken parm and runny caesar salads. After 10 minutes nobody really gives a shit about being there anyway. The least you could do is keep all the gays from showing up. Nothing ruins a good time like a bunch of homos in their Borat costumes blowing each other’s dicks on the dance floor. Not trying to walk around Adam and Steve running a train on each other in the lobby just so I can take a picture with some chick I hope to have pre-marital sex with later on. That’d be disgusting and pretty un-God like for sure. It’s like the girl said in the video, nothing but respect for the homa-secks-uals but frankly it’d just be easier if all 6 of them just had their own prom and left the totally non-crazy, perfectly sane, not at all backwards thinking and stupid people in town alone.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 10:15 AM

This 73 Year Old Dude Who Robbed The Harris Bank In Niles So He Could Go Back To Jail Is My Hero

Huff Po Chicago - After spending most of his adult life behind bars, 73-year-old Walter Unbehaun decided to rob another bank in hopes of getting caught. He felt more comfortable in prison, court documents allege, and wanted to spend his final years there. So the balding, gray-haired South Carolina man leaned on a cane as he walked into a bank in suburban Chicago over the weekend and used a novel stickup line: He had just six months to live, so he had nothing left to lose, according to a federal complaint citing his post-arrest interrogation. Unbehaun also allegedly lifted his coat to show a teller a silver revolver shoved into his waistband. Investigators say Unbehaun, of Rock Hill, S.C., walked out of the Harris Bank in Niles on Saturday with $4,178 in his pockets. He wore no disguises, so law enforcement quickly tracked him down using surveillance-camera photos of him holding up the bank, the complaint said.

 

Brooks was here baby! Walter Unbehaun doing it big in the free world sticking up banks, going back to jail and loving every minute of it. Always wondered why Brooks never did that in Shawshank. Like once he got out life sucked but he never did anything about it. Just walked around almost getting decapitated by cars, double-bagged groceries and fed pigeons. What the fuck kinda free life is that bro? Your store manager boss is a prick, why don’t you stab him a few times in the abdomen and go back to jail with all your friends and tar roofs and shit? It’s not like the place burned to the ground and you’re the only one that got away. Its still there. If you’re so mopey just commit another felony and go back you pussy. At least this Walter Unbehaun guy didn’t live out his days stuck in the hell that is the modern world. Bro got out of that game and retired off to prison paradise like a boss. We should all be so lucky.

By neil posted February 13th, 2013 at 4:10 PM
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