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Probably The Sickest Avalanche Escape Video You’ll See All Day

Flip at 0:55

No biggie. Just escaped an avalanche that would’ve killed and buried me under 50 feet of snow for like 3,000 years by doing a backflip and then outracing it down a mountain. Ho hum.

PS – Shawn White should try this.

By neil posted February 12th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

This Carlos Marmol Situation In The Dominican Is Pretty Fucked

ESPN ChicagoChicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Marmol said Monday that he is angered by accusations of domestic abuse by a woman in the Dominican Republic, and he professed his innocence at the Cubs’ training camp facility. ”I gave a ride to this girl that I know, and she said I tried to have sex with her,” Marmol said. “I never did that.” ”I am frustrated a lot,” Marmol said. “I didn’t do anything. This is very frustrating. I gave her a ride to a party that is close to my house, and that was all. I am very [ticked] off. My lawyers and I went to the police, and we are trying to get her to go to jail.”


If I was a baseball player from some poor country I think I’d return home in the off-season about never times. Just send some Christmas cards to people and give some loot to my poor friends to build a dirty baseball field in some parking lot and slap my name on it. Donate a few empty milk jugs for baseball gloves, some wiffle ball bats and a few dozen tennis balls then wipe my hands clean and never come back. Because when you go home this is the type of shit that is going to happen literally every single time. You give a girl a ride home from a party thinking you’re being a nice guy and she’s 100% thinking how to extort you and get her slutty hands on your money. And I bet it wasn’t for that much either. Like $3k or something which is basically infinity dollars in the Dominican. And you have to pay it or go through the bullshit of defending yourself like Marmol’s doing now. Yeah fuck that. I’ll stick to living in America thanks very much.

PS – I guess the bright side of this is compared to Ugi Urbina watching his Mother get kidnapped then going to jail for attempted murder by machete a simple extortion case is a walk in the park.

By neil posted February 12th, 2013 at 3:30 PM

Big Cat’s 10 Year Basement – Short And Sweet

Topic of the Day at Barstool and a lot of people have been asking me what mine would look like so here it is. Short and Sweet

You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.





Chef (9 points) – I’m lazy as fuck. No way I’m cooking

Internet (16 points) – Have to gamble somehow

TV (7 points) – Have to watch the sports I gamble on somehow

Model Train Set (2) – Can’t believe no one has picked this yet. Little known fact about Big Cat, I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a model train set guy. Always. Literally been a dream of mine forever. But having at least some rational thoughts left in my brain I understand that if you’re a model train set guy you’re also most likely a pedophile and a total creep. Well nothing is creepier then spending 10 years by yourself in a basement so that kind of overshadows the model train set right? Like If there was ever a time for me be a Model Train Conductor, this would be the time. Might even use my extra point on a Conductors hat and whistle like Bobby Bacala, really get the full authentic experience. Toot Toot!



Done and Done. My life literally would not change, except for the fact that I would have an awesome Model Train. Don’t even need the money really, just get to finally be a Model Train guy.  Long overdue for me.


For anyone who says I’m just picking Model Train set to be different have one single moment of honesty with yourself. You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to be a model train conductor if all social norms were thrown out the window? Please. Anyone who hates on model trains is an ignorant boob.



UPDATE – Guess internet and computer were two separate items. HUGE Mistake on my part. My trusty 3rd grade reading comprehension really failed me on that one. Kind of a waste of 16 points right there. Oh well guess I’ll just stare at my wireless router whenever I get bored with my train set.

By Big Cat posted February 12th, 2013 at 4:10 PM

Welcome to Barstool Sports, Bacon!

What’s up Stoolies?  It’s been a while.  A long, quiet while.  Here we are, the day that pitchers and catchers report to their respective Spring Training destinations, and there is hardly anything to talk about on the South Side.  It hasn’t been like this in YEARS over the course of a whole offseason.  Honestly, I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. It’s a good thing because the Sox return a solid middle of the order to go along with a top pitching staff, but at the same time there was literally NOTHING to blog about this offseason, other than the departure of AJ to Texas.  I’m gonna miss that bastard, but he’s in the rear view mirror now; Tyler Flowers is gonna get his fair shot as the Sox backstop.  If he fucks up, Josh Phegley is next in line down in Charlotte.

Though 2012 was a good year, the Sox still choked in magnificent fashion.  In my journalistic opinion, I seriously believe it was because they didn’t have that X factor.  I’m not talking about some stud, 5 tool player;  I’m talking about the Aaron Rowand type who would smash his face to smithereens diving for a ball, a Willy Harris who would pinch run and swipe an important base, or Carl Everett who would take the pressure off the team by making boisterous claims doubting the existence of dinosaurs to the media.  There was none of that last year, and having said that, I am going to make a bold prediction:  Gordon Beckham will have an X factor type year.  He’s going to be that adhesive that binds together the Sox stars and utility players, and I’m calling his first career All Star selection come July.  Chalk it up, Mark it down.  Book it.

There are a few things that need to happen in order for this to come to fruition, however. He needs to stop putting so much fucking pressure on himself.  When he’s struggling, it seems like every at bat he’s in a complete mindfuck; not because the pitcher is out thinking him, but because he’s out thinking himself.  Like Benny “The Jet” Rodriquez said, “Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. Just have fun.”  Believe me, Gordon – I feel like the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders, too; I have the constant pressure of laying around, eating potato chips, and guessing asses all day, and sometimes I just don’t know if I’ll make it out alive. And how do I take the pressure off my daily grind you ask? Just like all you guys do: I read the Stool.  And that’s what Bacon’s gonna do. He’s gonna read Barstool Sports. In a matter of days he’ll be making fun of KFC’s double chin and doubting Neil’s existence – that’s a promise from whitesoxdave to you guys.

Now I’ll be the first to admit, my internet stalking skills aren’t as sharp as they should be for a Barstool writer.  The extent my stalking covers is clicking through girls “Summer 2012 <3″ albums on Facebook before I go to sleep at night.  Lucky for me, and unluckily for Gordon, I have access to one of the sickest, most demented internetters of all time, Big Cat.  Now I know Big Cat is a Cubs fan, but I’m sure he’ll welcome the challenge of internet stalking Bacon with open arms.  He’s that dedicated to his art of internet stalking, and an art form it truly is.  Thanks ahead of time, Big Cat.

So welcome to Barstool, Gordon.  It’s a sick, twisted world, but I’m sure it’ll be your second love after your new fiancee.  Have a good season, Bacon.  Go Sox and Viva la Stool!



Big Cat’s Note


By whitesoxdave posted February 12th, 2013 at 2:00 PM

Barstool Local Smokeshow Of The Day – Stephanie

Introducing Stephanie from Purdue. If Stephanie looks familiar it’s because we featured here way back last July but I got a bunch of nominations for her because she’s a drop dead 10 so I pretty much had to bring her back with some new pics.

Know a girl you want to see as a Smoke? Send us a Facebook link to [email protected]

By neil posted February 12th, 2013 at 5:30 PM

D-Rose Says He’s Not Coming Back Unless He’s 110% And I’m Totally Fine With That



(Source) Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose said Monday that he’s “far away” from returning from ACL surgery, and he vowed he won’t return until he’s “110 percent.”

Rose’s rehab has progressed to the point that he’s taking full contact, and although some have speculated he’ll return shortly after the All-Star break, Rose was more cautious.

“I don’t have a set date,” Rose told USA TODAY Sports. “I’m not coming back until I’m 110 percent. Who knows when that can be? It can be within a couple of weeks. It could be next year. It could be any day. It could be any time. It’s just that I’m not coming back until I’m ready.”

Asked how close he is to 110 percent, Rose estimated “in the high 80s.”

One source told’s Scott Powers that the chances of Rose playing this season are “50-50.”

“You’re not jeopardizing winning a championship, but you’re jeopardizing Derrick’s career if he plays and gets hurt again,” the source said. “A lot of people are seeing him doing 1-on-1 or 2-on-2, but he’s not ready. He’s not 100 percent yet.


If you had told me two months ago that D-Rose wouldn’t be back this year I would have been pissed. My answer would have been, he should play when he’s ready, why bench him for the year if he’s ready to come back? But then you know what happened? I saw Iman Shumpert play basketball. I saw Ricky Rubio play basketball. I realized that not everyone is Adrian Peterson (does steroids) and can bounce back to 100% in under a year. So yeah, I understand this. D-Rose won’t be D-Rose this year. I know it, you know it, and we all know it. So if it makes more sense to shut him down and think long term I understand. I hate it and wish he could be back on the court tomorrow and I don’t agree with the assessment that the Bulls have no chance this year, but I understand the decision.



Gun to my head? I still think he’s back this year. I think this was just a move to temper the hype and readjust expectations. Which makes sense. He will physically be back on the court but he’ll still be far away from being 100% of the player he was pre-injury.

By Big Cat posted February 12th, 2013 at 7:06 PM

For The 2nd Time In As Many Years The Mascot For The Heart Attack Grill Dies Of A Heart Attack

Source - John Alleman died as he lived. For the last year and a half, Alleman served as the unofficial spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill — the infamous hospital-themed Las Vegas eatery that holds the world record for “most calorific burger.” Last week, Alleman, 54, suffered a massive heart attack and was rushed to Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas, where he remained on life support until he passed away this morning. According to restaurant owner “Doctor Jon” Basso, Alleman would visit the Heart Attack Grill on a daily basis, and often stood outside for hours trying to convince others to enter.

“I told him if you keep eating like this, it’s going to kill ya,” Basso told the Las Vegas Sun. “He’d say, ‘I just love your place, Jon.’ He’s the only person I know who was probably at the restaurant more than I.” “Patient John” would in time become the restaurant’s mascot, with his caricature on the Grill’s menu, and his own clothing line for sale through the restaurant’s website. “John was a fun spirited man who valued laughter above all else,” the restaurant wrote on its Facebook page. “He was loved deeply and will be missed.” Alleman is the second Heart Attack Grill spokesman to perish in as many years. 29-year-old Blair River passed away in March of 2011. His cause of death was never officially reported, but Basso said then that River succumbed to flu-related pneumonia.


I can already hear them now. The PC police and political pundits grabbing this story and waxing poetic about obesity and cheeseburgers and how fucked up it is that a restaurant that will literally kill you is named after cardiac arrest. But lost in all that is the fact John Alleman was a hero of sorts. A modern day rebel living the dream and doing what he loved. Some people get their rush riding snowboards down mountains or banging Thai hookers that may or may not have penises in Southeast Asia. John Alleman got his kicks eating Triple Bypass Burgers and Flatline Fries every day. Nothing wrong with that. Well I mean physically there’s tons of things wrong with that. That diet will in fact kill you pretty fucking quickly. There was probably a good amount of pain and regret for a few seconds there. But spiritually, the man died in a happy place. We should all be so lucky.

PS – Probably about time for an image overhaul at Heart Attack Grill. You don’t want a name like that to become too literal. Kind of the same principle that explains why Waffle House doesn’t call themselves Get Shot In The Chest And Legs At 3 AM. Probably better to just ignore the death inducing side effects.

By neil posted February 12th, 2013 at 9:35 AM

Does This Look Like A South Side Couple That Tried To Force 2 Teenagers Into Being Prostitutes?

Source - The couple, Matthew D. Casey, 23, and Kimberly Adams, 28, who live in the 1700 block of West 80th Street, Chicago, is also accused of forcing the teenagers to perform sex acts. Casey met one of the girls in January on the Red Line and the other on 79th Street within the last several weeks, according to the reports.  Both teenagers told police Casey threatened them if they did not work as prostitutes. The couple denied forcing the girls to have sex with Casey or other men, according to court records. Adams told police it was the girls’ idea to have sex for money and Casey received money for being their bodyguard. Casey told police he robs people, but does not commit other crimes, the reports show.

Pretty nice looking couple, huh? Kind of looks like Keenan and Kel if Kel had a pregnant nose the size of a football and Keenan was a fucking cross-dresser.

Anyway all I have to say is this dude’s excuse to the cop’s is golden all the way through. Denies up and down that he forces teenage girls to have sex for money but comes right out and says he doesn’t have to because he robs people for a living. Could have went with the straight denial of any wrong-doing whatsoever, or maybe included something about having a job or volunteering for the community maybe. Nope, he robs people. Couldn’t have been him forcing those chicks to be prostitutes. Way too busy sticking up random motherfuckers for everything they got. Boom, Case closed. Verdict: Innocent.

By neil posted February 12th, 2013 at 12:05 PM

The SI Swimsuit Teaser Video Looks Cool If You’re Into Chicks In Bikinis Rolling Around In Sand And Stuff

Question, What the fuck was that guy singing about? I heard lyrics about Johnny Depp, the year “1992″, and mermaids all within like 45 seconds. Just be quiet and let the models roll around in the sand dude.

PS – Also I’m gonna take this opportunity to take back what I said last week about Kate Upton turning gross because woah:

By neil posted February 12th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

The Westminster Dog Show Has A Cankle Problem And Its Ruining My Dog Show Experience

So last night I was watching the Westminster Dog Show, which is phenomenal television by the way. Dogs being awesome. Learning facts about different types of dogs. Basically the best thing on TV in the middle of February when the Bulls are getting smoked by the Spurs and the Blackhawks aren’t playing. Except for one thing.  The handlers. Its like they purposefully went out and tried to find a bunch of 50 year old women in disgusting skirt suits to show off their cankles and nasty hair. Totally ruined my dog watching experience. Every time I saw a cool dog I had to look at a gross woman. Look at this shit…


And if it wasn’t peasant ankles in ripped stockings it was frumpy assholes.

Or gender ambiguous people wearing those black velcro shoes that are made for waiters and your grandfather.

What are you bro?

And all the while we have to watch these people run around, even though they’ve never done anything athletic in their life.

That’s an awesome dog right there, but all I could think about was why my middle school Librarian was trying to run in heels.

Sidenote – Love the white announcer using “How you like me now” except in the Super nerdy/white way with “What Do You Think About Me Now”.


So I don’t know what to say. I don’t know who I have to talk to to get this fixed but its a problem. The Westminster dog show is great and its being completely ruined by haggard middle aged women awkwardly trotting dogs around. If I’m looking at attractive dogs I need attractive women. I almost feel like Barstool should sponsor a rouge Dog League. An XFL to the NFL. A WCW to the WWF. We won’t have any breed restrictions either. Best looking dog matched with the best looking smoke wins. Flat out. Simple as that. Call it “Bitches and Bitches”. Instant goldmine.


I honestly think “Bitches and Bitches” would work. Then again, I also think the Frambulance (Firetruck mixed with an Ambulance is the best idea ever) but seriously, who doesn’t watch “Bitches and Bitches”?

By Big Cat posted February 12th, 2013 at 11:25 AM

Study Proves That Men And Women Can’t Be Friends Unless They’re Fucking. So Now We Have Science On Our Side


(Source) Women are more likely to consider their friendships with men as platonic and only hope that they develop into more if their own relationship is in trouble, researchers found. Their findings echo the plot of 1989 film When Harry Met Sally, in which Harry, played by Billy Crystal, tells Meg Ryan’s character Sally: “Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.” Scientists said the results of the study showed “potential negative consequences” for people in long-term relationships.

Changing social patterns in the spheres of work, higher education and leisure activities have seen friendships between men and women reach unprecedented levels, they said. But a deeper-lying mating instinct, developed over hundreds of thousands of years of evolution, could make them more complicated than they might seem. In the study, 88 pairs of young male and female friends were asked to rate their attraction to each other on a secret questionnaire. Men – whether they were attached or single – were more likely to harbour an attraction to their female friends and want to go out with them than the other way around.

The men also assumed that the women were more sexually interested in them than they actually were – and the women tended not to realise this. Researchers found that single and attached women had the same level of attraction to their male friends – but attached women only wanted something more if their own relationship was on the rocks. Women were also less attracted to attached men, the study found. The authors of the research, from the University of Wisconsin, said films and television programmes had helped instill the idea that normal friends could become “friends with benefits” – that is, who have sex with each other.


University of Wisconsin doing god’s work right here boys. I mean obviously this isn’t exactly “groundbreaking” news. As a Badger myself I would have preferred we found a cure for cancer or something but this works too. Because even if it was something we all already knew, whenever you throw science behind it, its a gamechanger. I mean the study says as clear as day, you should stop being friends with girls and start being friends with benefits. Its the healthy thing to do. Not fucking your girlfriends is scientifically DANGEROUS for everyone involved. And next time some girl says “Oh my friend tried to fuck me, he’s such a dirtbag”, they’ll know, its not his fault, its a deeper lying mating instinct developed over hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. How can you argue with that? Its not my fault I want to put my penis in every vagina I see (no fat ones, but sometimes fat ones when I’m drunk), that’s just evolution. If you want to blame someone blame my ancestors, because I had absolutely nothing to do with it. My hands are scientifically clean.


Not to be mean here but how dumb are women to actually still think we want to be friends and  don’t just want to fuck them? Honestly. Even the guys who say they don’t want to fuck you are just playing the nice guy angle. Like whatever guy answered this poll with “Women give good advice”. That’s a guy currently HAMMERING the nice guy role. That guy will say women give good advice right up until he gets his boner sucked by some chick who fell for that line.


So listen ladies, If you’re an attractive female who is friends with a guy, he either wants to fuck you or he’s gay, simple as that, and to tell you the truth I’m pretty sure most of the gay guys want to fuck you too. So really, if you’re hot, everyone on planet earth with a dick wants to fuck you. Fact.

By Big Cat posted February 12th, 2013 at 10:45 AM

This Guy Selling Battletoads On Amazon For $349.95 Is So Dumb I’m Pretty Sure He’s Actually A Genuis


This is one of those times where someone does something so stupid that it instantly becomes smart. Three hundred and fifty dollars? That’s just an absolutely outrageous move. 350 dollars for Battletoads? That’s like 340 dollars more than it should be. But you know what? Now I want it. I’ve been 100% tricked by this price. I haven’t thought about BattleToads in over a decade, and now its all I can think about. I need to be Rash. I need to see Professor T. Bird. I need to spend 1,000 hours trying to finish Turbo Tunnel and failing every time. At this point, I’ve talked myself into this so much that 350 dollars feels like a bargain. I’m basically stealing BattleToads.


The answer to that 10 year basement hypothetical that KFC posted today is Battletoads and a loaded gun. I would spend 7 years trying to beat Battletoads and then kill myself. Literally get chills when I hear the music from Turbo Tunnel. If I spent as much time as I did trying to beat that level on anything else in life, maybe I wouldn’t be a professional blogger.



thanks to Isaac for the tip

By Big Cat posted February 12th, 2013 at 2:45 PM

This Dude Has The Best Job In The World


You know this guy had to be lying out of his dick to convince these girls to sign up for this. Probably shot them some line about how 4 girls bending over in thongs would provide the perfect acoustic environment for his drum solos and shit. Shouting out orders like “Suzie I’m gonna need to you bend over a little more and squeeze those buttcheeks together a little bit tighter please. I can’t hear your snare”. Hey, I ain’t mad at the guy. Play those ass bongos bro.

By neil posted February 12th, 2013 at 1:25 PM
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